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Thursday, June 2, 2011

Asshole of the Year

I encountered the biggest asshole of all time last night at work. This guy was such an asshole, that when he yawns, you don't see tonsils, you see a giant sphincter hanging there. He's such an asshole that when he burps, it sounds like a fart. He's such an asshole that he had toilet paper stuck in his teeth. He's such an asshole that even a proctologist would be frightened of him. He's been to the club before, but I have never fully witnessed the assholery that I had only heard about. One of the hosts calls him Kangaroo because he has an annoying habit of holding his short stubby arms in front of his body with limp hands that bounce around when he talks. Can you picture that? What a fucking Kanga-asshole.

I was stocking some glasses at the bar when I heard him speaking to the hostess in a way that only assholes speak. He wanted to go to his seat right that minute despite the performer still doing a sound check. The hostess politely explained that the room was not yet open for the audience. Now this hostess is the nicest of the nice. I have never seen her be anything but sweet to every single person she deals with. "Sir, you might like to sit in the front lobby. We have some seats up there," she explained to him. He didn't want to sit there. He wanted to sit where he was standing which was right in the middle of a walkway. And there is no chair there.
"I don't want to sit up there, it's hot. I want to sit here."
"We also have a seating area downstairs you might like."
"I'm an old man, I can't use stairs. I want to sit here."
"Well, we have fire codes that don't allow us to put chairs right here. Are you sure you don't want to sit in the lobby area?" Now keep in mind that the lobby is about 15 feet from where he was. It's not like he had to take a bus to get there.
"I told you, I don't want to sit there. I need a place to sit right this minute or I am going to pass out. Why can't you help me?"
"Sir, I am trying to help you, it's just that I don't have a place to put a chair here."
"Well, you're an idiot," he said.
I stopped in my tracks. My blood pressure shot up. My skin was crawling. I wanted to punch him in his pouch. Did he just call her an idiot right to her face? I glared at him. With a saccharinely sweet voice I yelled at him, "Sir, would you like me to get you a chair?" Now I said this in a way that only a complete idiot would miss the sarcasm. It wasn't just sweet. It was dripping in simple syrup, Splenda, agave nectar and brown sugar. Of course, he didn't get it.
"Yes, thank you for your help. This one doesn't have a brain. She's an idiot."
I grabbed a chair and threw it as his feet. "There you are so sir. Is there anything else you need? Is there anything else I can do for you?" The sarcasm was heavier than a brick, but he still didn't get it. "Would you like some water, sir?"
"Yes, that would be lovely," he said. He looked at the hostess as if to say "You see? This is how I should be treated."
"And would you like for me to put a lemon in it for you, sir?" Again, I said it it sweeter than a caramel apple dipped in powdered sugar and sprinkled with the fairy dust of a basket of kittens.
"Actually, make it a Pelligrino!" I told him that I would have to charge him for that and some of his asshole-ness made an appearance. "Well, you're going to charge me anyway, once I sit down for the show aren't you? Oh, never mind, just the water."
I handed him his water and told him, "If there's anything else you need, don't hesitate to ask me." I rolled my eyes at the hostess amazed that he didn't get that I was poring sarcasm directly onto his his bloated face.
Of course he eventually ended up in my station. "I just want to thank you for helping me with that chair," he told me. "It was nice to see someone with a brain. That one out there is an idiot."
"No, she isn't," I countered.
"Yes she is."
No, she isn't. I know her very well. She's a very good friend of mine and she is not an idiot."
"Well, I'm going to call the owners and tell them she's an idiot."
What an asshole. "Sir, if you call and tell the owners that you think she is an idiot they are going to disagree with you because they know her better than you do and they know she is not an idiot, but go ahead and call."
"Well, she certainly doesn't know how to treat people."
"Yes, she does."
"No, she doesn't."
"Sir. We are going to agree to disagree. I will go get your Pelligrino." I was done with him. Not one more word did I utter in his direction the rest of the night. However, I know his phone number. (Thanks, reservation book!) Very soon, there will be flyers posted all over the borough of Queens selling a brand new iPad at a very affordable price. On that flyer will be very explicit directions to only call after 10:00 PM. And the phone number on that flyer will be that of the biggest asshole I have ever met.

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miss tia said...

i wished in Queens so I could call the # on the flyer!

Kayla said...

I am always shocked at people who feel like they are entitled to directly insult people who do not give them what they want right that second because they are unable to. I'm an idiot because I can't present you with a unicorn and shower you with glitter and kittens? You're right. My apologies. I'll magic your unicorn right up.

bistis6 said...

And let's not forget that after he whined that he was about to pass out, he STOOD UP and talked to an older lady with a bad back to whom I given my stool. For 15 minutes! The BIGGEST kangaroo asshole in the universe.

Tammy said...

Although I am a tad worried that, with the year only half over, you may have been premature in awarding this person the title of "Asshole of the Year," it is clear he is a special kind of walking rectum who deserves some late-night phone calls. Yeesh.

Good for you for standing up for your friend, too.

Dee said...

Go Bitchy! Not a man to be messed with. (Just ask the crowd at Tortilla Flats)

Mary A. said...

You are my hero because:

1. you took him off her hands
2. you defended her when he was a dick.

Do you know how many people would have just let A-Hole trash their co-worker?

I pink puffy heart you right now.

jdracecar said...

You're my hero too cause you managed to be syrupy sweet with sarcasm, I would have probably been really mean to him with a giant attitude. Good for you. I hope you really do the flyers cause sometimes Karma needs a little helper!!

Cinoda said...

haha....Great way to handle this asshole. I have to remember that flyer tatic for the future!

ChiTown Girl said...

Bitchy, you freakin' ROCK!!!

Adam Hawthorne said...

I applaud your maturity, your approach is truly the best in these situations. I learned this after very professionally ejecting a man from my store for calling my pregnant supervisor a bitch in front of a large crowd of people.
The owner didn't share my opinion that violence of any sort (including verbal assualt) will not be tolerated since there are laws in place to protect employees from such attack.
Because he was treated as someone who had a bad experience in the store (despite his own full admission to the owner what he did) he got his butt kissed and generous invitation to shop any time.
And now I get the pleasure of his smug entitledment at least once a week and he talks very freely to other customers about me knowing full well that he can get away with anything.

On the plus side I live in a small town and he has no way of knowing that his daughter goes to middle school with my cousin. I have some pretty good confirmed stories about his little princess and some pictures of her debauchery that I printed out from Facebook.
Eventually one of these times that I overhear him referring to me as a jerk I'll show him some pictures of his daughter being the poster-person for jerkdom.

Practical Parsimony said...

Oh, dear. I would have tripped over his feet that were not under a table and spilled a nice sweet drink I would buy him like Tequila Sunrise right down the front of his shirt, starting at the collarbone. I was always surprised how good my aim was while fake tripping.

Adam, My director saw my ire over someone like that when I was working in research. She said as long as no one heard me, I could say anything I pleased because it would be my word against his. I upsetthe jerk/brat so that he had to leave work early that day. He was afraid of me after that.

Practical Parsimony said...

I am in Alabama, but I will gladly call his number if you send it to the email on my blog. I can call about 1 a.m. my time, so that will be 2 a.m. his time. Of course, I am not harassing him. My daughter lives in Brooklyn, so she is interested in this deal on the flyer.

Adam, go up to this guy and whisper that the manager wishes he would quit coming into the store. When he tattles, swear you did not say it, that he is just trying to get you into more trouble. I rarely advocate lying, but he is rubbing this in.

Eden said...

oh I need a new ipad. can you pass that number along :)

Kalei's Best Friend said...

You are pure class!. I love it!.

The Empress said...

What an inconsiderate cock nozzle! I hope you pissed a wee little trickle into his lemon water.

Please let us know how the special sales flyers go. No doubt he will be back again and bitching about that little incident too.

The Ranter’s Box

Becky said...

My sister lives in NYC...and I'm SURE she would be oh so very interested in a good deal like really should email me the number so I can know..... pass it along and all...:)

Vicki said...

You say you are bitchy but really, is standing up for what's right being a bitch? I'm just sayin...

You are a good man. =)

purplegirl said...

You should post e-mail his number to all your blog readers. I personally would be happy to tall him when I get off work at 2a.m. mountain time!

michelle said...

I've had assholes like this and wish I'd thought of the flyer idea!


KB said...

Catching up with some posts I've missed. I am so glad for you and her for sticking up for your co-worker. The flyer-ing thing us hilarious (do you actually do that? I doubt it as I sense you are sweet beneath the bitchy). The only problem with the flyer-ing is that this jerk won't realise why. He would be well served to understand that his asshole actions have consequences.

Anonymous said...

Sir, I love your post. I have met many like him, and I doubt that you may never meet anyone so horrible again. But I have a suggestion in the event that this occurs again. When you ask him if he would like a chair and he complies, ask him to follow you. take him to the lobby and pull it out for him, the nicest way you possibly can. you deserve an award for how you handled such a prick.