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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Last Bad Tip of 2009

I wanted to write about my last crappy tip of 2009 so that I can finally put that horrid awful year to rest. A few days before Christmas, I went to work filled with the spirit of the holidays. At least I am pretty sure it was the spirit of the holidays but it may have actually been the vodka gimlet I had before work. Anyhoo. The show I was working ended up being much busier than anticipated because people were apparently too fucking busy to pick up a phone and make a goddamn reservation. On the books we had about 40 people but by the time the show started we were up to 94. That is a lot of fucking people for two servers to deal with. Remember, we have to take their orders and get them two drinks all within the course of a 70 minute show. Bitches, it's hard. We opened the room early so we could get a head start on orders. I approached a table of two people who were waiting for four of their friends. Of course they wanted to wait for them to get there before they ordered even though I was right there with pen and pad in hand ready to bring them their drinks. They wanted water as they waited and also an order of the hummus. Great. Water. I have 47 people to get cocktails for before the show starts and these asses want water and they want it now. Fine. I got the water and put the order in for the hummus knowing full well I had no time to prepare the food until the show started. Every time I walked by the table the man gave me this look. Palms upward, shoulders shrugging, chin thrust forward, brow furrowed. If you recreate those four actions simultaneously, you will know exactly what he was saying with his body language. He was saying, "uh, excuse me, but where is my hummus?" My body language was saying "I am ignoring you." The friends finally show up and he still can't decide what he wants to drink. The show is starting in five minutes and it would be very helpful if he could just pull his head out of his ass and ask for a Stella or vodka tonic. He says to me, "I am still waiting on the hummus" but he said the word "still" like it had three fucking syllables. I responded with "I know." He ordered a beer but wasn't sure what he wanted for his second required drink. He would tell me later when I would have to climb over three chairs and whisper in his ear while the singer was performing two feet away from him. Yeah, that's much better.

I eventually got his fucking hummus to him and his second beer came out right at the end of the show because he had waited so long to order and finish the first one. The bill for the six people was $173.43. He gave me $177.00. This asshole tipped me three mother fucking dollars and fifty-seven crappy ass bitch cents. I am sure he was basing his tip on the fact that I made him wait for his food until the show started and that his second beer came out late. Never mind that the other five people in the party had no issues whatsoever, he had to wait for his hummus and therefore felt it was okay to tip me 2%. I swallowed my frustration and shot him the evil eye. Mentally, I twisted his nutsack and moved on. I was not going to let this douche ruin my holiday spirit. Or my vodka gimlet buzz.

Moving on to 2010...


Noelle said...

As a manager I like to say, "Oh This off sets the 50% tip you got off that super nice guy the other night."
Silently I'm thinking "What a F-er, and wish him bad karma for ever."
I just hate guests like that they think they are so entitled.

Wish I you could only wait on one of those a year.

dirtydisher said...

I just hope he knows what an idiot asshole his friends think he is. I hate going out with people like that. It's embarassing.

Buck Turgidson said...

You sound like a really shitty waiter: surly, bitter, rude, incompetent, etc.

Nevertheless, I would have tipped you $40 for a $177 bill.

However, that's the last time you'd see me. You see, most decent people--the kind you should VALUE as patrons--don't stiff you when they get shitty service. They just don't come back, which leaves you with all the assholes. What comes around, goes around.

Anonymous said...

What a fucking asshole ! I hope the hummus
gave him an all night diarrehea attack ! Your
too good bw if it was me I'd give him back his
change and say " Heyyyyy don't forget your change
you cheeeeeeeeeep bastard !!! " in front of his
group of friends I'm sure a few of them would
fork over a decent tip just outa embarassment
to being associated with this asshole. Your
way too good for those cheeeeeepskates Bw.
Kiki :) in Canada ps hi DD your right this blog is gr8!

Cielo Gold said...

Hey Buck,

Did you miss the title of the blog? It is "The Bitchy Waiter" after all.

Anonymous said...

As a bar owner, bartender and former waitress.....I applaud you. I actually love working in a bar vs a restaurant because I can be a little more "myself" with the comments.

I have waited on an individual for 6 hours of my shift and they have left me a quarter...I chased them out of the building with the quarter and told them they had forgotten it. He replied....oh, that's your tip. I handed it to them and said.."No, No, No...that is far to generous for 6 hours of being waited on hand and foot. You might need that for a parking meter or a gumball." His next visit I was tipped appropriately and he is now one of my most treasured regulars. lol.

Anonymous said...

I add comment from gratitude. Today was a difficult day. By accident I landed on this and attached blogs. Reading helped me to put my personal frustrations into a better prospective.

I have not worked as a server though I spent many many years on your piano benches with an omniscient view. Perhaps someday I will write a book from those observations, which most likely will be sympathetic account of what I have seen servers endure.

I no longer dine out frequently. I still enjoy a cigarette after dinner and this seems less publicly accepted as was sixty or seventy years ago.

Sarah said...

god I hate people. There should be a tipping and server appreciation class in all high schools. Seriously. I am so sick of people thinking that 10% is a good tip. I would never leave 10% even if I had terrible service.

The best is when people order like a hundred dollars worth of bar drinks with their hundred dollars worth of food and then tip 10 bucks. UGH, now I have to tip the bartender 10% of bar sales which is 10 dollars, and the bussers 2% of total sales which is $4. So now I am negative 4 bucks because of you, not to mention paying taxes on tips I didn't get in the first place.

If people would just always leave 15% I would be happy, I am not going to be one of those servers who asks for 20% (even though I deserve it because I always give impeccable, attentive, and friendly service), not from the rednecks in the south.