To that restaurant owner, I say this:
What the hell, dude? Maybe you didn't hear, but New York City is having a direct hit of a freaking monster hurricane. This has not happened since before the Revolutionary War. (Not sure about that date but I do know it was a long time ago.) But you need to sell three more tacos tonight so you're good with making your employees come to work in a fucking hurricane? I bet you plan on having delivery open too, right? Because everyone knows how prudent it is to be on a bicycle when the wind is blowing shit sideways. No one is going to come to your restaurant tonight. The news media has made sure that we buy every loaf of bread and gallon of milk within a 125 mile radius so nobody wants to go out to eat tonight. We all have plans to make dried fruit sandwiches and cocktails by the light of our candles. Since you insist on being open during the worst natural disaster to hit the Big Apple since Rudy Giuliani, let me offer you some suggestions of what to do with your time since there will be no fucking customers:
- Take this time to pull your head out of your ass.
- Take every menu and clean it with a toothbrush so when your restaurant floods, at least you'll know your menus were clean when they flowed into the East River.
- When the storm hits, step into the walk-in cooler for safety but first alert your servers so they will know to barricade the door with a chair so your ass can stay in there while they swim back to their apartments.
- Clean out the candle holders because you aren't going to have any fucking electricity and you're gonna want nice clean votives when you need some fucking light to see your empty fucking restaurant.
- Ask your servers to save the liquor by putting it some place safe like their backpacks and purses.
- Have a sing-along of Dexys Midnight Runner's song "Come On Eileen" but just change it to "Irene" because it's close enough and that song is way better than "Rock Me Like A Hurricane" by the Scorpions.
- Play a game of Truth or Dare with your employees and when they dare you to go to the roof and hold a metal spatula into the air, just do it. I dare ya.
- Use the time to scrape all the gum from underneath the tables and then you can use it for the special of the day on Monday since all of your food is going to go bad when you lose your fucking power because of the hurricane.
- Grow some balls.
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