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Monday, April 18, 2011

Si, Señora. Soy Mexicano

Although it is not certain, I think I was verbally assaulted by a racist last night. One of my regulars who we all know at work as pretty much crazy was in my station. She is a performer and quite well known but last night she was there as a patron of the arts instead of standing on the stage and screeching out notes that were in her range about a decade ago, but now not so much. She wanted me to know that she had just enjoyed dinner at a Mexican restaurant and she had already sucked down two margaritas. In my attempt to make small talk, I told her that I love Mexican food. She seemed surprised. Like Mexican food was her little secret in the culinary world and she couldn't believe that anyone else had ever heard of the exotic treat "taco." "Sure, I love Mexican food," I told her. "After all, I'm from Texas and I am half Mexican." This comment too seemed to take her by surprise. I wasn't sure which part of the statement was so interesting. I certainly don't appear to be your average Texan since I do not have a drawl nor do I have a gun rack on the back window of my pick-up truck. "You're half Mexican?" She said this after sucking in her breath at an alarming rate. "I had no idea." Now if you knew me, you wouldn't necessarily think I was half Mexican either because I have fair skin and light eyes, but my last name is definitely of Mexican descent. That, and my clinical addiction to tortillas and Tequila should quell any questions about my heritage. Crazy Lady continued. "I can't believe you're half Mexican. You don't seem Mexican at all. You seem all regular." Wait, did this bitch just use the word "regular" to describe my race? Regular in the same way that "nude" pantyhose are flesh colored for white people and the way that Crayons used to have a color called "flesh" that was the color of white people flesh? Awww, hell no. I was about to reach into my pocket, pull out a handful of pinto beans and rub them all up in her gringo face. Do not make me add another tear tattoo under my eye because I may have to kill a bitch. (I will do the tattoo myself with a Bic pen, a needle and lighter.) As I walked away, I heard her say to the table next to her, "Can you believe he is half Mexican?" So now my race is a topic of conversation amongst my whole station.

I personally don't see race. I really don't. I guess growing up as a child who never knew which circle to fill in on the race section of the SAT's and crap made it something of a non-issue for me. I never wanted to check Caucasian and dis my dad or classify myself as Mexican and ignore my Mom, so I always put "other" and moved on. The next time I see Crazy Lady though, I will put on my best Cheech and Chong accent and drive to her table in a low-rider while wearing a big fucking sombrero. I want to make sure she is real clear on the stereotypes of us rice and bean eaters just like she has made it clear for me that all 70 year old female jazz singers in New York City must be racists who have no problem insulting me right to my half-Mexican face.



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26 comments:

Cary said...

puta!

Kara Hoag said...

Maybe she was just trying to figure out if you were her waiter at the mexican place as well.

Things like that can get confusing.

TwystiidTrixxi said...

Awww Bitchy ~ you even used the picture of the Mexican costume off the BuyCostumes.com website as your pic! That's sort of 'profiling'...

jdracecar said...

she seems not only racist but also a raging oblivious idiot! Haha, this post just reminded me how funny and awesome you are. Your admirerer,
"regular" "flesh-crayon" gringo,
JD

Practical Parsimony said...

I have known many "Mexicans" who were actually fair-skinned and had Caucasian features because they are descended from Spaniards and not natives of Mexico. (think I got that right) My children are mostly Irish with some Dutch ancestry, but have all three been mistaken for persons of Hispanic (Mexican) heritage by Mexicans. Obviously, none of my children look "regular" to Hispanics.
I wrote on my blog about the issues of looks defining me. I know I had Native American heritage from maternal and paternal grandparents. Yet, I am, according to whatever tests, about 99% Irish. But, I look so Native American. I have never bubbled in anything but Caucasian in the blanks.

Car Title Loans said...

I'm guessing she doesn't go out of the house on Cinco de Mayo then? I don't know how you kept a straight face on through all of this, because even the most level headed should be normal. And, who would have thought that such racism existed in one of the most diverse cities?

Tяainwяeck Tяagedy said...

I love this. Perhaps it's because both my fiancé and I are half Mexican and we hear crap like that all the time. I look black and he looks white and it's just to the point where we both hate hearing it from people. Sometimes I'll just start randomly speaking Spanish. They get the hint then.

Bagel Fairy said...

My grandma once said, "Was it a black neighborhood, or a regular neighborhood?" I would expect (although not condone) such a statement from a Depression-era white woman who grew up on a farm in Iowa, but not a jazz singer in NYC.

Sam and Tanya said...

I feel ya... I'm a blonde Cuban married to a blonde African. We confuse people.

witchybaiter said...

Well, you do hate to work.

Luna Moon said...

Well, if it makes you feel any better, some studies I've read say that biracial people are generally regarded by others as most attractive. So if you ever deal with more racists, know that you're at least more attractive than those fugly bitches.

Sweetpea said...

FYI on checking the appropriate box: I had to get cut open so our son could say hello to the world so he will be checking the Hispanic/Latino box although now-a-days they let you check more than one. So it's really a non-issue. Now my old school (i'm talking WWII era) in-laws are a whole different story.

Krissy said...

Damn! Now I'm craving a Califonia Burrito from the joint up the street.

Thanks, boo-boo

Gallo said...

LOl, Bitchy I am half mexican too. Living in Canada. And though I look more like a italian jew, I am proud of my heritage. But I get that all the time.

"You don't look mexican, You are white and tall and slim."

"Oh, what do I look like then?"

Idiots!

Greg Becerra said...

I like to give the benefit of the doubt and not jump to the conclusion that they are racist; they're probably just stupid. I'm all Mexican and fairly pale unless I get some sun. If people seem surprised I just tell them that I'm part of stage two of us taking over.

jean k said...

well said....I remember the flesh crayon....trouble was it didn't really look like anybody's skin tone...I avoided it at all costs...you are such a terrific and funny writer.....thanks for the reminder
...as well as the laugh and keep on...from a regular...reader! :)

Nightgaunt said...

Sorry for the headache, what a twit, though sadly the idiocy of that level seems to be a universal trait, as I've been verbally assaulted a few times for being one of those awful Caucasian sorts.
Alas, if only we could retort to such people the way it's so tempting to.

((I'm with Jean K though: That creepy flesh crayon resembled no skin tone I've ever seen in nature. Can't help you on the stockings though, I hate the stupid things as is.))

E.Rigby said...

I love mexicans! And I love you! You make me smile knowing somebody says what I think!

Zoogie2 said...

I'm half Mexican as well (with a dash of Native American - Apache) but my mom is paler than white out. I was one weird looking kid - dark skin but beach blonde hair. My hair is darker now and my skin paler because I work indoors all day, but people still ask me "what" I am. I reply with "human, you?"

I wish you could have revealed who this bitch is so that we could all bash her and then boycott her ass, but I get that you probably want to avoid a lawsuit. On the other hand, what better marketing for this blog than the headline: "Over the hill singer sues bitchywaiter"?

Anonymous said...

lol im half hawaiian and mexican but look white/chinese so i feel ya!!

Geneva said...

Nnnnice. Classic racist experience #13.

...oh, and I agree with Cary, fucking puta!

Gabriele Agustini said...

Great post, once again!!!!
Love ya, Bitchy!!!!

Sherry said...

> Crayons used to have a color called "flesh" that was the color of white people flesh

Personally, I think a 'flesh-colored' crayon should be a dull red. No? Maybe it's just me... And, yeah - utter fail on her part.

Pat the Rat said...

I am half Mexican and half Spanish born in the USA so I am really confused now. Dumb broad should stay home and keep her trap shut.

Tours of the Vatican said...

Funny how some people seem to think "because you're my server I can be RUDE to you!". I worked in an Asian cuisine restaurant, which happened to not have many Asians working there. People used to make remarks about how there were more Mexicans and white people than Asians working there (and it was not a traditional Asian cuisine place so it made no difference whatsoever who was making the food), it was funny at first but after a while it was just annoying.

Anonymous said...

I have to deal with my fair share of bullshit with ignorant people and it has gotten worse since going to school in the wonderfully self segregated University of Iowa. I am half mexican as well, but on my mother's side so I take my father's Czech name. I look like i'm mediterranean and have been asked are you Italian, Greek... and so on. Well I would tell people no I'm half mexican and some of the responses were priceless I got the usual "but you look white!" (Yeah I know I have seen myself in the mirror for 22 fuckin' years now, I know what the fuck I look like). To people flat out accusing me of lying. One of these girls did not believe me for three years until she saw a picture of my mom and grandfather (who look mexican). She actually cracked a racist joke 1st not knowing who they were... well after reading her the Riot Act and telling her that was mom and granddad she exclaimed "I thought you were lying this whole time!" Well I'm fed up with this bullshit and keep my heritage myself especially around other hispanic people who feel like they are the true judges of who can be hispanic. I was once told by a mexican girl that I'm not a true mexican because I don't look mexican. What the fuck does a true mexican look like? Possibly the worst part of it all is that racist pieces of shit will voice their feeling about "beaners" "wet backs" and "spics" to me because they think I'm a regular ol' white boy. I enjoy exposing there racist asses and I am proud that I was able to get one stupid racist bitch fired from a past job of mine because she thought she was safe confiding her true thoughts of mexicans to me. I'm not ashamed of my heritage I am very proud of all it from both sides of my parents but there is too much bullshit has flew at me from ignorant people that I just keep my identity to myself it has become wearing over the years and I only make my identity known when I hear racist banter regarding hispanics in general. END RANT