There is the Fortune 500 and The Indianapolis 500 and apparently there is a card game out there called 500, but none of these 500’s are as important as the one I shall discuss today. Count von Count from Sesame Street gave me a ringy dingy and he tells me that his severe case of arithmomania has confirmed that this post right here is the 500th of The Bitchy Waiter. True, some of the posts have been very short and some have been very long. Some have been funny and others have been poignant. Some have been totally lame ass. Regardless of what the post was, each one was counted and we have reached a grand moment. I tried to organize a parade down Fifth Avenue for this auspicious fucking occasion but it turns out that the city of New York does not think this is any big deal. Little do they know, I have agonized for over two years to pump out “quality” material for the internet. Even on days when I have absolutely nothing of interest to say, I have managed to squeeze out some bullshit into the blogosphere and press submit. That takes some doing, New York City. I know that the whole reason my parade was shot down was because of this video I made about our mayor, Mike Bloomberg. He couldn’t take it. He’s scared of me and I don’t blame him. I’m one bitchy ass waiter. Yeah, he’s a billionaire and all powerful and shit but has he ever written 500 blog posts? I don’t think so. (Truth be told, I think he wrote a book but whoop de doo.)
How does one celebrate his 500th posting? I have not yet decided. I could go out and have an exorbitant amount of margaritas and/or mojitos, but how would that be different from any other Monday? Or Tuesday. Or Wednesday even. I could make a point to be super nice to all of my customers as a personal thank you for giving me so much writing material but that would just seem counterproductive and ironic. Perhaps it would make sense to just pat myself on the back for such a monumental achievement but if I really let myself think about it, I will realize that this is such a lame achievement that it would hardly be worth the energy of reaching all the way back there to pat.
Instead, I will just say thank you to all of you who bother to come here and read what I puke onto the keyboard. Although I know a lot of people land here by accident because they Googled “Jean-Claude Van Damme,” to them I also say thank you. But mostly thank you to those who bookmark this sorry ass page or are fans on Facebook or Twitter, for you are the reason that something gets written almost every day. And with that, this post itself is exactly 500 words long. Okay. Now it is.
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