Miami Nice

It's amazing that I am writing today. I am not a great typist to begin with; I hunt and peck with my two index fingers. Today I have one hand permanently attached to a glass of champagne, so fucking kudos to me for this blog post. I am still in South Beach, Miami and wanted to give you some tips about the city, restaurant related and otherwise:

• When you walk down Ocean Drive and you hear them hawking two for one drinks, be aware that the drinks are at least $20.00 apiece and they are the size of a small baby.


• If you have an umbrella at the beach, make sure it is anchored securely. If it blows away, it might roll down the beach until it makes contact with the back of a very attractive young lady from Europe and she will be a bitch to you when you try to apologize. Even though the umbrella is rented and you did not have anything to do with how it was put in the sand, she will not care because her back is bleeding. Awkward.


• The tip is included at almost every restaurant. It is from 15% to 18% so look at your check and then tip accordingly. The waiter will not tell you this in the hopes that you will not see it and then tip on top of the tip. I would do the same thing if I waited tables here, but I am not going to fall for it. You shouldn't either.


• Have eye wash ready for when you see a size 14 woman walking down the street in a size 6 outfit. It will make your eyes burn. Hard. Especially if her t-shirt says "I have the pussy so I make the rules." You might want to throw up but don't do it, because you just spent twenty bucks on your mojito and you don't want to waste it.


• If you walk past The Tides Hotel on Ocean Drive, please go in and say hello to Jenny. She is a kick ass cocktail waitress who is working her way through medical school and she is totally cool. (Jenny, if you are reading this, send me an email and I will mail you a Bitchy Waiter necklace of your choice. Just tell me which one I was wearing the day we met so I know it's you.)


• If you see a guy walking down the street with a ring tail lemur resting on his head, he will let you take a picture of him. But he will then expect money. Fuck that. I love me some lemurs but I can just Photoshop myself with a ring tail lemur. (Truth: I suck at Photoshop, so if anyone can do that for me, I will love you forever. Thanks. I'm serious. I want that to happen.)


• Buy your bottled water at the Walgreen's or CVS because the ones at the beach are $3.57. These are the same ones that cost a dollar at the deli in Queens.


• When you check into your hotel room, keep your fingers crossed that the A/C will be broken because if it is they might upgrade you to a master suite which is totally kicking ass and I never want to leave it. Seriously. I have a fucking living room, a walk-in marble shower and two flat screen televisions plus one in the bathroom. Fancy fucking shit.


• Finally, if you are here to celebrate your 20th anniversary, everything will be better. The food will taste will better, the sun will be brighter, the drinks will be stronger, the ocean will be warmer and everything will be absolutely fucking perfect because you will know how lucky you are to have found the person you are meant to spend your life with. I may be a Bitchy Waiter, but I am one fucking lucky person.