Is This Guy For Real?

There is an assumption that all actors are waiters and that all waiters are actors. It is also assumed that once you "make it" as an actor, you will never have to tie an apron around your waist or a noose around your neck because your time with a tray is behind you. Not necessarily. Sometimes, we actors get a six-week contract that lets us do a show and then it's back to the grind. I know plenty of people who have been on Broadway who were back in the restaurant business as soon as the show closed. But what about established Hollywood types who make movies? Why would they ever want to go back to waiting tables? If you know Justin Long, you can ask him because that is exactly what he did last month here in New York City. (Justin Long is that guy from the Mac vs. PC commercials. He's the cool Mac guy. I think he also tickled the fancy of Drew Barrymore for a while.)

He was eating at BLT Fish in March when he thought it would be fun to buy a BLT T-shirt and then pretend to be a waiter. Isn't that hilarious? OMG, Justin, that is so funny. A source (probably his publicist) tells E! News, "He just started picking up glasses, cleaning tables. One lady was asking him questions about the menu and he was just making up answers..." Again, Justin, stop being so freaking funny. My sides hurt. For real. Stop it. The source goes on to say, "He'd come back in the kitchen, grabbing menus, filling waters, asking questions. The chef was laughing at him. Justin was totally cool."

Okay, I call bullshit. There is no freaking way that he did that for an hour. Like we are supposed to believe that his friends he went out to dinner with were cool that he just made them hang around for an hour and watch him bus tables? They were like, "Okay, real funny, Justin. Can we fucking go now?" And we are supposed to believe that the chef at BLT Fish was laughing? I have never worked in any restaurant where the chef is going to let some random person, famous or not, hang out in the kitchen and make up answers about their food. And what about the waiters? After two minutes, I am sure they were all thinking "Okay, can you get out of the fucking way now because this is my job and I am at work, douche bag." Meanwhile, Justin was all, "Hey guys look at me, I'm a hostess now! And now I'm a dishwasher! And now I'm a bartender. I'm funny, huh? Man, why did Drew Barrymore ever leave me? " I'll tell you why, Justin, You seem like cocksmack, that's why.

At the end of this crazy hour of fun, he gave all of his tips to the employees. Because he's cool that way. I mean, how much did he make in an hour (if he really did this for an hour?) And who the hell gave him a tip anyway? Did he just take over someones station and then closed the checks for them? Did he do side work? Did he have to roll silverware at the end of the night? Nah, he just took the few bucks that people gave him and tossed it to the sad employees as if they should be so happy that he graced them with this event. It's a story they will all be able to tell their grandchildren some day:

(Say this in an old man voice):

Kids, when I was once a waiter in the Big Apple, this famous actor who did commercials for Mac computers thought he'd be funny and started waiting tables at my job even though he didn't know what the fuckity fuck he was fucking doing. He was totally in the way and he annoyed the fuck out of me. And then he gave me five dollars. He was total asshat and I never went to see another one of his movies again. I also threw away every Apple product I owned. The end.

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