A Lady Walks Into a Bar Holding Two Grapefruits...

It takes all kinds to make this big blue marble that we call earth what it is. As a server, I am constantly surprised by what customers expect me to do. No, I will not run to the store to buy you Ranch dressing. No, I will not cut off the crusts of your child's sandwich. No, I will not do the Hokey Pokey for an extra five dollars. (Ten dollars, yes.) I suppose I should just stop being surprised because every time someone does something that I think can't be topped, someone comes in the next week and tops it.

A few weeks ago a lady came into the restaurant. She was carrying a plastic bag from the grocery store when she walked in and went straight to the manager/owner of the restaurant. She reached into her bag and pulled out two grapefruits and handed them to my boss. "Hi there. I'd like a Greyhound, but I want fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice. And will I have to pay the same amount since I brought in my own grapefruits?"

What the fuckity fuck fuck hell is that shit about? Who does that? Is she for real?

She was for real. My boss took the grapefruits and said we would do it. Of course I charged her the regular price because now the bartender has to actually slice grapefruits and find a squeezer to make the cocktail rather than just pour some perfectly fine grapefruit juice out of a can. I wondered what else the lady does in her life that is just as fucking stupid.

At a Macy's: Hi there, I have a yard of white cotton fabric here and I wonder if you could make me some new panties.

At a car lot: Hi there, I have this old tire I found in a ditch and I wonder if I could buy a car but only pay for three tires.

At an airport: Hi there, I need to fly to Florida but I brought my own map. Can I get a discount?

At a funeral home: Hi there, I'm not dead yet but I have this refrigerator box that I want to be buried in. Can you store it for me until I need it and then you won't have to charge my family for a casket?

On the bus: Hi there, I only want to pay half because I am carrying my bike so I could have ridden it to my destination for free.

She enjoyed her first custom fresh-squeezed Greyhound and I asked her if she wanted another since we had only used one grapefruit so far. She looked at the menu and told me she wanted to try something else. "Oh, maybe an Old Fashioned, that sounds good. Hmmm, well tell me what's the most popular." I hate when people do that. Order what you want, not what you think you should order.

"Well, the Sidecar is popular or the Cosmo. But the Old Fashioned is too, so whatever you think you'll like..."

"Okay, I'll have the Old Fashioned then!"

Three minutes later I handed her the drink. She looked at it oddly. "Well, this looks interesting. It looks like something that an old person would drink."

I looked at her senior citizen face. "Yeah, well..."

"No, you know what it looks like? It looks like the kind of drink a priest would have when you have him come over to your house for a visit. Do you know what I mean? Doesn't it? Doesn't it?"

"Yes, ma'am. That's exactly what I was thinking. Do you need anything else?" This lady was weird with a capital Annoying.

The rest of her time in my station was uneventful. When I cleared her table, she had left her grocery bag on the booth seat. I picked it up and looked inside to find one single cucumber. I knew she would be disappointed to realize she had left It behind. It was either going to be her date later that night or she was on her way to a garden party the next morning.

Hi there. I want a cucumber sandwich. Will I have to pay the same amount since I brought in my own cucumber?



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