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Friday, August 31, 2012

One Cheap Bitch

There are a few things in this world that make my skin crawl:
  1. Snakes. I grew up in the country where Coral snakes and Copperheads lived under the same woodpile as the non-venomous garden variety. They all shared the same future though: head cut off with a hoe, no questions asked.
  2. People who complain about something but don't want anyone to fix the problem. Then don't complain. The purpose of complaining should be that you want a different action. Otherwise, it's just for the sake of complaining.
  3. Going out to dinner with a large group of people. Allow me to explain:
It's never easy, is it? I don't think I would like it even if I didn't have years of experience on the other side of the menu. In a group of ten people, there is always someone who wants to scam in order to save themselves a few bucks. "Oh, I have to catch a train, so I'm gonna just throw my money in now for everything I had. Here's a twenty, that ought to be enough," and they skedaddle their cheap ass outta there. Even Andrew Jackson himself knows that the order of nachos and two beers was more than twenty bucks. He rolls his eyes in embarrassment from having been inside that tacky whore's tacky knock-off Prada bag that she bought on Canal Street.
This happened to me last week. I went to celebrate a birthday with a friend. Drinks were had, jokes were made and mechanical bulls were ridden. At the end of the night, the patron saint of waiters gave us our check. Of course the cheapest people at the table grabbed it first. God forbid they should be the last one to hold it and have to pay an extra two or three bucks. The cheapest bitch of them all was a a friend of a friend who I have absolutely no allegiance to so I don't give a shit if her cheap ass reads this or not. After I finally commandeered the bill so I could make sure everything was happening as it was supposed to, I asked what everyone had put in. Cheap Bitch said, "I'm using a credit card and need to pay ten dollars."
"Ten dollars? What all did you have?" I asked.

"One margarita, that's it."

I looked at the bill in my hand. One small margarita was $9.00. (Truth be told, I didn't even know there was such a thing as small margarita. Mine was $13.00. What the fuck is the point of a small margarita anyway?) "So your margarita is nine dollars and you're going to leave ten? What about tax and tip?" I asked in front of the whole table.

"Yeah, my drink was nine so I'm leaving ten."

I hated this bitch. "So for tax and tip, you're leaving a dollar?"

"Well, what do you think I'm supposed to leave?" she wanted to know. Her head was swaying back and forth like she was daring me to give her an answer.

I gave her an answer. "Well, tax is about 8.25% so that means you are leaving about a twenty-five cents for a tip?" I didn't even mention that we all kinda figured we'd pitch in to pay for the birthday girl.

"Yeah, I'm leaving ten dollars."

"So you're alright with leaving a quarter for a tip?"

"I have a very limited credit card and alls I can afford is ten dollars!"

That ain't a credit card, honey, that's just sad. "Fine," I said and went on with figuring out the rest of the check.

When I finally got it all settled, she told me that she went on ahead to the waiter and paid her portion because she had to go. Maybe it was double fucking coupon night at the dollar store and she needed to get there by midnight to get that roll of toilet paper that was marked down to fifty cents. I went to the waiter to make sure she had paid and he told me she paid nine dollars. Bitch didn't pay for tax OR a tip. Nine dollars, period. I've met her once before and wasn't that impressed, but from now on she is dead to me.

How can people be like that? If you know that tax exists, you have to at least pay that part of your bill, right? Okay, so she didn't tip. No surprise. She also turned down a piece of birthday cake. I know it was because the restaurant was charging a $1.50 slicing fee per person and she didn't want to pay that. She also finagled for someone else to pay the $5.00 required to ride the mechanical bull. "Oh, I don't have my i.d. so they won't let me buy a ticket," she claimed. Birthday Girl told her she'd go do it for her and then just give her the ticket. She did, but then it was necessary to have her hand stamped to prove she were 18 years old. Cheap Bitch miraculously "found" her i.d. in one of her pockets after the five dollars had been paid. She did not pay it back, She rode the bull and I wish more than anything it would have bucked her cheap ass though the wall and into the men's room where she could have enjoyed a big bite of urinal cake.

The check was eventually paid and the waiter was very happy with his tip. There was no slicing fee though and I think it was because we offered him the last piece of cake. We gave him some cake, he left off the slicing fee. He left off the slicing fee, we tipped him better. What goes around comes around which is exactly why Cheap Bitch will get her karma some day. Like maybe she'll get a hell of a paper cut from her buy one get one free coupon for generic tampons. Cheap bitch.

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anne marie in philly said...

cheap cunt, pure & simple. and yeah, karma is a bitch; it will work its way around.

Ashleigh said...

I DESPISE going out in large groups be they friends of mine or not, groups amplify the general douch-baggary that seems to be a customers M.O. I spend the whole time stressing out about how people are ordering: "um,we're ready but can you skip me and come back after everyone else has ordered?" or the person who always thinks it's ok to re-write the menu to suit their "allergies". I obsess about how the group is treating the server and if they are running him/her relentlessly. and the whole time I sit and try to use my un-tapped super powers to mind feed the server my condolences that such a bunch of pains in the ass have landed in their section.all of this just builds to the worst part of the experience: the bill and the inevitable cheap asses, complainers, and people flat out refusing to pay for two martinis because they swear they only had one (yeah, who has only 1 martini?)by the end of it all I'm about to explode all over the place and usually end up paying 40 dollars more than had I just gone out alone to cover what others refused to. good times.

Practical Parsimony said...

I can tell when servers are stressed out with large groups. I DO have allergies and things I am not going to have on my plate. I mention I will tip well. It always feels tacky to say that. As I have said before, I make it crystal clear I am getting a separate check.

I had a friend who depended on my tipping more than she did, so she would say my tip could be for her, too. Hell no! I would never lay down money. I would purposefully tell the waiter this was my tip and hand it to him or her. So, her lone dollar for her meal looked really sad. But, she was into stiffing everyone she knew. Oh, she won a $750K judgment against the university where she taught by lying in court and laughing about it to me. So, she is walking in high cotton. I am just waiting for karma to kick in.

She accused me of being cheap because I would not put my generous tip with Cheap bitches always make it about themselves.

TheMeanager said...

It reminds me of thag one asshole who collects all the money and tells the server to put the rest on the card, only for him/her to be a cheap ass and tip on the amount of the remaining balance and not the tabs full total

Mandy said...

I hate going out in groups because of this! There is always some random non-server in the party making moronic arguments for why they don't have to pay their share. Or doing their math wrong. I went out to a B-day gathering once where the birthday girl had to pitch in because her stupid friends wouldn't pay up. Oh and this was at the restaurant I worked at at the time, being waited on by a friend. I would have been mortified if we'd left the tip the cheap asses wanted to leave.

Anonymous said...

I don't mind going out with my group of friends. They know I used to be a server and there would be hell to pay if they don't tip well. They have been informed of what I had to go through as a server, and they really understand what a tough job it can be. They know that saying "please" and "thank you" are just as important as the tip. Bravo for putting up posts like this. It will make some people reconsider how they should treat servers!

JBT said...

10 years of serving and bartending, in everyplace from delis where I made $5/hour to fine dining restaurants where I would walk with $1200 for four hours on a Sunday night. I even leave 20% if the service is HORRIBLE. If it's good I'll leave $20 on $50 routinely. When we walk in to the few places we regularly patronize, the servers fight for us to be in their section.
That said, we actually stopped hanging out with the Cheapest Couple in the Known Universe solely because of their non-tipping policy. They always wanted to go to dinner with us, and it didn't take long to figure out why. They'd figure their bill out to the penny--sans tax or tip--and hand the server a credit card and say "run it for exactly $41.97" or whatever. We would be stuck paying for the tax and all the tip.
I decided to do an end run around it the next time by asking the server for separate checks from go. Problem solved? Not by a long shot! They paid their bill. They paid the tax. NO TIP. I then had to pay the server my tip, plus an extra 20% for THEIR bill.
Last chance, Cheapest Couple in the Known Universe. The wife asks me to meet her for lunch at a sushi place. I ask for separate checks. I'm prepared. The server puts the checks in front of me, and I look at both. I see her lay down the exact amount, no tip. I say, "Aren't you leaving a tip?" She answers, "I don't leave tips. I'm Dutch."
"But this is America, and actually, you're American, how do you figure that being Dutch means you don't have to ever leave tips?"
"Dutch people are cheap." (nervous laughing) "...haven't you ever heard the expression 'going Dutch'? It's because we're cheap."
"Well, you really need to tip. It was $20 and the server is only getting paid $2.23 an hour."
"Okay. I'll leave a dollar."
That was the last time we ever did anything in public with those people again. I haven't talked to them in 8 years.
People SUCK.

Frank Giannantonio said...

Wow. That's unbelievable. Does she know who you are? What an idiot. I really didn't think too much of it you know, just another cheap asshole, but the thing with the $5 takes it to another level. If she reads this I hope she realizes she's a stupid bitch.

California Girl said...

This story & Bitchy's are another reason both my sons HATE waiting tables. They too are generous tippers.

Anonymous said...

I've never been a server, but last time I checked I was human. I ALWAYS leave a tip. Always. At a bare minimum I leave 15%. And that's if the service was shitty AND we were at a buffet(one time I never even got the drink that I ordered even after I politely asked like 6 times).
I think my favorite time out was with my ex. We went to a restaurant and left $17 on a $25 meal. I think we became the servers favorite people after that. :P
Moral of the story: be super nice to your servers. You never know if the next table is going to be an asshat to them. Be polite, and realize that everyone is human.

And yeah, on every large group I'm in(which is usually family or very close friends) we try very hard to be as nice as possible. If I'm with family, the servers can expect a substantial tip since apparently my grandfather used to tip very well and taught all his children to do the same. So that's like a 35% tip x like 5 bills. :P

PS. I love your blog.

Wendy said...

I love you, Bitchy Waiter! (Have ever since i found your blog a couple years ago.)
AND you can do math
in your head!
Ho-ly Shit!!!
Even more impressed than before.


Mass Marvel said...

Bless you Bitchy! I removed my apron a few years ago but will never forget the cheap facefarts who had no problem stiffing me. This includes former so called friends. If I'm going to go fishing it won't be for landsharks. The beauty of being "somewhat senior" (no not even s-s-s-sixty yet but damn close) is I have no problem unloading on anyone who tries to get over on my wallet and that includes family, friends, friends of friends etc. LOVE your blog and your bitchy honesty!

Cat M said...

I know servers bitch about it but that is why I want a separate check. I want them to know that generous tip came from me!

Anonymous said...

I love your blog, when my hubbs and I go out we leave at least 15 percent, when I win a gift card for a tiny place I leave the amount of one of our entrees to make damn sure the waitress gets her money to live on..who goes out with a group of people and screws the waiter out of a decent tip, not I said the spy..I say Karma is a real bitch when you screw the server, been there done that and worked for a guy who made sure you tipped he added it on the end of the ticket in tiny tiny writing, we were all going to college and we could not pay for books and costs with the food he gave to us..No one complained at that restaurant and the place was great, food great owner even nicer, you just treat servers with great care and respect it is not an easy job and one can always cook one's meal at home..i think yo do a real service for servers by telling the truth..some people have no clue as to how hard it is to serve food and work in the restaurant service!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sauce Boss said...

Hi Bitchy! You're my favorite, and I love to read your post at my serving job, because my customers so frequently mirror yours.

Today I typed in one of my favorite websites (yours) into the url bar, but neglected to notice I'd omitted the 's' in 'blogspot'. Maybe you already know this, but the website that appears is an arsenal of armageddon prophecies!! Couldn't be more appropriate.

No matter how it's served, I can't stop laughing. Keep up the good work!

IH8RL said...

Yup...I've seen it so many times. One woman leaves a great tip and her ghetto bitch ass friend leaves zilch.. she even takes the time to write a big 0 with a line through it on her DEBIT card reciept! Only women never see two guys do this.

IH8RL said...

I forgot to add..."awe hell nah, she be givin that waitress girl 4 dollas, dayum! Our bill only 96 dollas, das enough fa her azz".

keisha garcia said...

Indeed people are rediculous. I don't understand how people seem to NOT understand that we do EVERYTHING for them while they sit their little rumps in our section. Did you not see me running around? Everytime your drink was halfway full, it was (at least this is the way they must see it) miraculously refilled? Lol I'm no jesus and five dollars isn't a good tip honey! Also we are taxed on our tips now a days so when a butt wipe leaves nothing, its very reassuring to know I payed for them to receive well service...what a shame....:)

Jen in Denver said...

This reminded me of about 5 years ago when I had to attend my best friends funeral back home. She had passed at a young age and we (as her immediate group of friends) decided to go out for margaritas (her beverage of choice) after the funeral. There were about 12-15 of us. One douche nozzle at the table (whom she dated for a short period of time...and I can recall each story she shared with me about him being a cheap bastard or not knowing how to "please" a woman)was at our table. We were all going around sharing fond memories of our dear friend and sipping on some large margaritas. It came time to pay the tab and the check went around the table to each person so we could all decide how much we owed (including tip and tax). The check of course gets to douche nozzle and he pretends to add money to booklet with our check in it and proceeds to pass the check on down the line. YOU ARE HAVING DRINKS IN MEMORY OF SONEONE'S LIFE!!!!! When the check got back to me and I counted the money, I politely called him out and asked if he had a card to put down if he didn't have cash (knowing that would probably be his lame dick excuse). Of course he didn't have a card and just proceeded to look around as if he was waiting for someone to pipe up "oh, don't worry about it, we will pay for you!". Maybe everyone else at my table had heard what a dildo he was too. One of his friends ended up finally agreeing to pay for him. Thanks for showing up buddy and confirming your FUCKED UP EXCUSE OF A MAN status...appreciate it!

Stephanie C. said...

While I try my best to not sound racist...I have found that African Americans NEVER tip! EVER! I think the best tip I ever got from them was a $4 tip from a $60 bill. Kinda makes me wanna ask, "Is it cause I'm white????"

Anonymous said...

I am so happy I found this site! I just love you! I've been a server for 12 years and reading this make me feel better and laugh. YOU are FANTASTIC. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

did she ever find out u wrote this post about her? if so did she say anything?

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