My Thoughts on the Toilet

Can we talk about restrooms? Specifically, public restrooms? First off, I don't know why we call them "rest" rooms since there is very little rest that happens inside one. Trying to flush a toilet with my foot and then wash my hands and escape without touching the door handle is anything but restful. And I can't tell you how many times I have been "stuck" in one because I refused to touch the doorknob and had to patiently wait until someone else came in and I was able to slip out the door as they opened it. I also really hate when people call it a public "bath" room, because there better not be any fucking bathing go on in there unless it involves a bottle of hand sanitizer and a Baby Wipe.

Anyhoo, while recently eating at Butter here in the city, I took some time to use the facilities, the little boys room, to bleed my lizard, to take a leak, what have you. Once downstairs, I found myself in a long hallway of doors and I was waiting behind another man. At the end of the hall was the gatekeeper who directed us to the appropriate door for our needs. He waved the man before me into a room on the left side and I assumed I would be offered the room on the other side of the hall, you know like the dressing rooms at The Gap. But I was told to follow the man into the same room. "Okay, I guess they aren't individual toilets in each room," I thought as I followed the stranger through the door. Once inside, I looked around to see two urinals side by side with no divider and one sink. What the hell? You put two urinals in one tiny room? We hurried to the urinals and both began to unbutton our pants in order to finish first so we didn't have to wash our hands at the same time too. I don't know about you guys, (There are like three guys who read this blog...) but I like a divider between the urinals. I don't want to feel the splish splash of this dude's urine bouncing off the porcelain and onto me. I also don't want to embarrass the poor guy who has to stand next to me when out of his peripheral vision he can see all my business. I hate making other guys feel inadequate. It's a curse, really. Just as I was finishing off, I noticed that my pee partner was already zipping his pants back up (from shame and inadequacy, no doubt) and I then realized I was going to have to wait in this tiny room while he washed his hands and I waited for my turn. Or so I thought. As it turns out, his penis must have been remarkably clean because he didn't feel the need to wash his fucking hands when he was done. Maybe his penis was impeccably clean, but the he did use his hand to flush the urinal and then that same hand went right to the door handle to let himself out. The same door handle that I would now need to touch. Fucking nasty. I zipped up, flushed and went to the sink. I had the room to myself now and as I was washing my hands for the recommended 45 seconds in warm soapy water, I wondered what I would have done if I needed to go number two. The bathroom gatekeeper didn't ask me "pee or poop?" He just assumed that I needed a urinal. What if I had kids that needed to be dropped off at the pool and I was sent to the double urinal room? Wouldn't it be uncomfortable to have to leave and go ask for a toilet? Imagine, you're in the room with your pissing buddy both staring at the urinal and you're all, "yeah dude, this urinal's not gonna work. I gots to squeeze out some business." Awkward as hell.

I left the restroom and went back to my meal still pondering what I would say to Gatekeeper if I needed to use a toilet. After I ate, I decided to go back down to revisit the toilet scenario. The man ushered me to the same room that I knew had only urinals in it. I grimaced and said to him, "Uh uh." Lowering my voice I said, "I need a toilet." I patted my belly to emphasize that this was a case where a urinal simply would not suffice. Gatekeeper gave me a knowing glance and directed me to another room. A room with a single toilet and a sink all my own. A much better situation even though I didn't need the toilet. I didn't need a urinal even really. I just wanted to him to know that sometimes a man needs a toilet. Maybe he needs to go number two or maybe he just wants to sit down and relax. I'm a real man, but I can admit that sometimes, my ass is just too lazy to stand up to pee. I hung out in my private room for a few minutes. I peed a tiny bit and flushed the toilet two times to give the illusion of really needing to be in there. I washed my hands and dried them with a paper towel that I kept wrapped around my hand to open the door. I held the door open with my foot and then tossed the paper towel into the trash can and left with an empty bladder and clean hands. And an also impeccably clean penis.

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Let Us Review: Butter NYC

It's Restaurant Week here in New York City and I took advantage of it. Restaurant Week is something that gets customers to go out to eat even though there are ice storms, frigid temperatures and old man winter is all up in our ass cracks. Restaurants create a special prix fixe menu and for $35 a person, you can get three courses at places that are usually much much more expensive than that. I ate at Butter. The executive chef of Butter is Alex Guarnaschelli who is always popping up on the Food Network. I wanted to go there because she seems cool on TV, the menu looked good and with a name like "Butter" how could it be anything but rich and delicious? It was rich and delicious. Since I am not a food expert but I am a service expert, I have decided to review my service and only briefly mention my food:

Butternut squash soup: warm, silky, sweet, filling, creamy, perfect.
Seared pork loin with skillet potatoes, roasted garlic and red mustard: the pork was so damn good and whatever that sauce was needed a straw so I could drink it. The skillet potato was good but it looked and tasted like a hash brown from McDonald's. (That is not a complaint.) The greens were greens. I didn't eat them.
Side of mashed potatoes: the most buttery smooth mashed potatoes I have ever had. They reminded me of the mashed potatoes in a Swanson frozen dinner. (And that is not a complaint.)
Dark chocolate torte with whipped sour cream: of course it was good. Chocolate torte. Duh.

And now the service. First the hostesses. They were all like really pretty, like oh my god, like do you have a reservation, like, we will be with you in a minute, like thank you for coming in. The usual restaurant hostesses. Whatever.

At the bar, the bartender was also gorgeous so she probably had sent in a photo with her resume. But she made a delicious Butter martini of citron, pomegranate liqueur, Cointreau and a splash of pineapple. She made them perfectly and at one point I saw her with two cocktail shakers in her hands and she was going to town with them. It looked like she was having a really good time.


My waiter left a lot to be desired. I don't need a lot of service when I go out. I really don't. But when eating at a highly rated place like Butter, I guess I expected a more attentive server who did the basic things that I learned back at Bennigan's. When the soup came out, I asked the runner for more bread. It never came. I assumed I would just ask the server when he came in for his two-minute check back. But he never came over. C'mon. Even at Pizzeria Uno I had to go back within two minutes to make sure the pizza skins were alright. But at this high falutin' place, the waiter doesn't do two-minute check back? He finally made an appearance and the bread request was made again. It eventually came. After the soup bowl was cleared, I expected a crumber at the table. It never came. Again, it's not like I crumb my table at home, but when I see waiters, runners, back waiters and managers walking around, I sorta thought someone would come and wipe up the fucking cornbread crumbs. No biggie. Whatever. Order another martini. The entree was great. He checked in on the table and I was all good. By now, martini number two was getting hold of me. Coffee was ordered and it took forever to get there. I saw the waiter talking in the sidestand so I knew that there must be a coffee person making it in exchange for a tip out. The dessert came and the plates were placed on the table with care. And then they stayed there. Once the plates were empty, he asked how everything was. "So good, thank you," I responded. He smiled and then walked away-without the plates. I assumed he'd tell a busser to clear the table. I asked for the check. The plates stayed. I paid the check. The plates stayed. He returned the credit card and the plates stayed. I was really surprised that no one took those damn fucking plates. I signed the card while holding the check presenter in my lap because the table had dirty fucking plates on it. He returned to pick up the credit voucher and still ignored the plates. What the hell? If I was eating at TGIFriday's sure, but Butter?

I figured the rules would be all strict here but based on the things I saw, it's pretty relaxed. For instance:

• the bartender texting on her phone.
• the waiter leaning against the sidestand and talking with a friend.
• placing my dessert spoon on the left side of the table. (minor, I know, but I have worked at places that we were not allowed to do that.)
• pouring water after picking up the glass with the rim. Really? Really? Is this a fucking diner on Eighth Avenue?
• the two hostesses sitting on a banquette as I left, each of them texting on their phones. (Maybe they were texting the bartender.)
• having to ask for the water to be filled two different times. (again not a big deal, but if there are a dozen people on the floor, that shouldn't happen, right?)

Overall, I completely enjoyed my meal. Maybe the service was sub par because they were not giving 100% for all of us losers who came in for Restaurant Week, but I was disappointed with that. We have all heard it before: we go to a restaurant the first time for the food only but the second time we go it's for the food and the service. If the service isn't where it should be, then it detracts from the food. Does anyone else agree with me on that? I feel like when you pay a lot of money for a meal, you are paying for the overall experience. With tip, the meal was $169 for two people. That's a lot of money. If I am going to spend that much on one meal, I don't want to have to be looking around for more water and lay my arm in cornbread crumbs. Of course I left a 20% tip. I just couldn't do less, but my waiter didn't go above and beyond. Would I go back? Maybe someday. But if the service was better it would be much more likely.

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