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Thursday, April 12, 2012

Long Lost Diary Entry from Titanic Waiter

Hello, readers. As you may have heard, the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic is upon us. I was lucky enough to have discovered this rare artifact from that doomed ship and I wanted to share it with all of you. It is from the diary of one of the 705 survivors of that fateful event and it is truly a miracle that it fell into my hands. Please be aware that it is NOT for the faint of heart.

-BW


April 14, 1912

Dear Diary,

You are not going believe the day I had today. I am writing this from a bloody lifeboat, if you can believe that nonsense. To think that just five days ago I was perfectly content being a waiter at the local pub when in walked a pretty blond woman named Julie McCoy who was in a real pickle. She told me that she was the cruise director for some new ocean liner which was departing from Southhampton the next day. She was short one waiter and wanted to know if I might be willing to take the position. I tried to tell her that boats frighten the bloody hell out of me, but she told me that this one was "unsinkable." Famous last words, that's what that is, I tell you. She told me the pay would be good and it would be the adventure of a lifetime. As I sit here alone on a bloody lifeboat in the middle of the Atlantic ocean surrounded by icebergs and dead bodies, I'll give her that; it was an adventure alright. I curse the day I ever set foot on the Titanic.

The first day was nice enough. I liked me roomie. He was a bartender and his name was Issac. The two of us got on quite well together and we ended up being in the same dining room, the Ala Carte Restaurant on the B Deck. At first I was in another restaurant up on the Lido Deck, but Miss McCoy moved me for reasons unknown to me. It was quite convenient for me seeing that Issac didn't mind pouring me a spot of brandy every now and then. He told me that the folks on the ship only wanted the finest there was to offer so they certainly wasn't going to notice if the cheap stuff was missing. I returned the favor by bringing him some leftover Beef Wellington whenever I could. A real fine gent, that Issac was. I hope he ain't dead.

I guess the job wasn't too bad actually, Well, with the exception of hitting that bloody iceberg and then watching 1,500 people die right before me very eyes. I did meet the assistant captain once. His name was Merrill Stubing. Friendly enough, but his pants was a bit too short if you ask me. Why would a man in that position ever want to be seen wearing knickers like that of a little boy? The captain of the ship was Edward John Smith but I never did see him. I presume he was too busy charting the path of the ship in order to avoid hitting any deadly icebergs. Yeah, that must be it. Good job, cap'n. So the first four days were fine and dandy. It wasn't until tonight at 11:40 PM when things really took a turn for the worse. And when I say "worse" I mean like really bloody awful.

I was down in the kitchen when we struck the berg and I knew right off that it wasn't good. When one sees water filling the hull of a ship, it generally means things is bad. A lot of people were hurt form that initial collision and Miss McCoy and the doctor (I dunno his name, we just called him Doc) were running all around trying to make people feel better. Meanwhile the ship's purser, Gopher (what kind of bloody hell name is that anyway?) was telling people it was all going to be alright. They asked me to go set up some tea and biscuits on the Aloha deck. I walked up there and saw the musicians were playing some music and acting like nothing was wrong at all even though they was lowering women and children (first class ones, of course) down in life boats. I decided right then and there, that they's could get their own tea and biscuits 'cause I was getting off this sinking ship.

I ran to the starboard side and saw a whole pile of life jackets just sitting there not being used. I put one on and headed to get in line for a life boat. "Women and children first" my ass I thought. Then I saw Miss Julie McCoy with her big phony smile and stupid clipboard. She saw me and told me that I was to take off the life jacket and give it to a first class passenger at once. "Sure" I told her. "I'll go find one." Right. By now, it had been about an hour and the whole ship was listing pretty bad. I headed to the stern of the ship and saw three lifeboats with no one anywhere near them. For a second, I thought I might look like a coward if I went before some of the other people, but then I thought why should I let rich people go before me? Don't I have a Mum and Pop back home that wants to see me again? Don't I have a future that I want to live? Why should only the first class people get a chance to live their lives? I got into a lifeboat and began lowering it. I don't know why no one else came to this part of the ship. I suppose the bloody stupid tea and biscuits and the five piece orchestra was enough to distract some sods into thinking that everything was going as planned. All I wanted was to get off that ship and paddle my way back home and give me Mum a big kiss.

So here I am. Sitting alone in a lifeboat and wondering what in the bloody hell am I gonna do next? I watched the ship break in two and sink right into the icy waters. Them screams were terrible and I'll never forget 'em. I tried to save some folks, but I only saw bodies that had done drawn their last breath. I did see Miss Julie McCoy floating by. She was still alive and clinging to a sofa cushion. She begged me to help her into my boat. She was reaching towards me but I swatted her hands away with my oar. She's the reason I'm here in the first place and she can take her chances with the sofa cushion, she can. And now not only am I stuck in the middle of the bloody ocean, I ain't got a job. I quit me pub job without any notice for this "adventure of a lifetime" and ain't got no other prospects. Well, I do have the card of a passenger I met on the ship. Her name was Molly Brown and she was from America. She told me that she liked me better than any of the other passengers who were all just putting on airs. She gave me her calling card and told me if I'm ever in Colorado to look her up because she could always use another server with a warm smile and a good heart. Maybe I'll look her up if I ever make it America. The Titanic may be sinkable but maybe Molly Brown ain't.

Alright, diary. Wish me luck. I can see a ship off in the distance that maybe can pick me up and take me to safety. And mark my words. I will never get on another boat for as long as I live.

love,
Scotty the Waiter



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10 comments:

Papa Grumpy said...

Ok Bitchy...I fell for it hook line and sinker.

I saw your comment on the NPR story about "social order" of people under panic.

I thought "Wow..a diary entry...wonder what that first hand account recorded." (See how cultivated my inner voice is)

Then BAM. I'm trapped reading a bit of satire. So..as revenge. I'll subscribe to your site..but you had better keep being funny. Cause I'm commenting on anything really dumb.

All my love,
Grumpy Old Man

The Bitchy Waiter said...

As is the norm, I LOVED writing this postand no one gives a shit about it...

Anonymous said...

I was preparing myself for grisly details up until I read the name 'Julie McCoy'. As a fan of the Love Boat (I was a kid in the 70s), this cracked me up!

Myr said...

Love it, BW. Hey, wondering if you saw the YouTube video of the Red Lobster waitress/customer fight. Somewhere in Missouri, I believe. I think it is a really old story, but I have seen it in the news a lot recently. Would love to see your thoughts. Thanks and may your tips always be 25%+! Happy serving! :-)

NellieVaughn said...

Ah you! I bought it for a good minute there!

Joebudgie said...

I'm retired and spend "a lot" of time on the Internet reading all kinds of articles because I enjoy learning new things. Sometimes my pursuit is hampered by people trying to be funny sometimes by completely erroneous information. This fauz diary entry was well written and the author does have talent when not held back with the desire to be funny. In a sense reading this was totally a waste of time. You should have stated it was fiction at the beginning.

TheRealBarman said...

Yes, I agree with Joebudgie, BW. Please do not hamper our pursuit of Internet reading time (porn surfing) by attempting creativity or humor. In fact, if you could please state when you are about to say something funny, that would help us to realize when to laugh as well.

While you're at it, if you could give us a preemptive warning for any emotions we should feel, then we should be all set.

Like Joebudge, I do not want to waste my time learning things that do not align with my exact desires and I would appreciate it if everyone on the Internet would cater to my style of reading.

Sincerely,

TheRealBarmn

The Bitchy Waiter said...

Hilarious, Barman.

Practical Parsimony said...

I have been distracted, but I finally got around to reading this. Hilarious. Maybe everyone is off doing their taxes?

Was joebudgie serious?

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