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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Lamest Baby Shower Ever

You know how I feel about babies. Do I really need to go into that again? As we all know, it's not the baby's fault if it is sitting in a SUV stroller that is blocking the aisle. It all comes down to parenting and too many times, parents suck ass. That, however, makes me hate the baby. In my decades of serving, I have had the wonderful opportunity on more than one occasion to be the server at some joyous event like a wedding or baby shower. You know what sucks about those? Everything; from the annoying women who go to them to the piles and piles of gift wrap they leave on the floor when they go home. A reader (shout out to Wendi) sent me a photo of a baby shower invitation that I presume she found at her job. Isn't that invitation adorable? Those cute little feet? I wanna eat them up. No, seriously, I want to pour some Heinz 57 Sauce on them, throw them in a saute pan until tender, place on a bed of quinoa and eat them while sipping a nice Chianti and watching Wipeout. This happy mother-to-be thought it was a good idea to have her baby shower at a restaurant. I don't know what restaurant, but I am going to assume it's an Applebee's. It just seems right. The best part of the invitation is the back:



Stacy wanted to make sure that everyone knew she was not picking up the check. That's right, Stacy's friends, you are on your own. First off, it's not "Baby's R Us " it's "Babies R Us." If you're gonna go through the trouble of printing out some fancy invitations on some lame ass program that came with your Dell, make sure you spell the name of the store correctly. Secondly, how rude! You are asking everyone to swing on by to their local Target or Babies R Us and pick up some loot for your devil spawn that is subletting your uterus, but when the check comes, you're gonna make every pay for their own Cheeseburger Sliders and Spinach Artichoke Dip? What the hell? Isn't that kind of the trade off of having a shower? You pay for it, but in return you get gifts? This cheap ass bitch is having her baby shower at an Applebee's for cryin' out loud (I assume it's an Applebee's because it just seems like the kind of place Stacy would want to have her baby shower) and she's not even picking up the check. She won't have to do any cleaning because that will be the job of the server who is going resent this table all to hell. It's who the fuck knows how many separate checks and you know they will complain when the gratuity gets added to them because they'll be like, 'Oh, but we're not a party of six or more. We're 15 parties of one who just happen to be sitting at the same table."

I imagine Stacy sitting at the head of the table "eating for two" even though all of her friends know she's been eating for two since before she got married. She's making a big scene and wearing the hat someone made from a paper plate and all the bows from the presents. And then they all have to move the tables around when it comes time for them to each cut a ribbon in the length that they think will fit around Stacy's belly because whoever is closest is going to get a cupcake that Stacy bought at the Costco. Stacy hoards all the gifts and when the checks come out she expects that someone is going to say, "Hey let's all chip in for Stacy!" If I was a guest at that lame event, I'd be the one that says, "Hey, let's let Stacy pay for at least one fucking thing here. I already bought a fucking cake made out Pampers and then I had to pay for my own Fiesta Chicken Chopped Salad, I'm done."

What Stacy should have done (other than spell "babies" correctly) is just have the stupid baby shower at her home. Dwayne was going to be working a double at the Pick-N-Save that day anyway (that's her baby-daddy and he's assistant canned goods manager) and she could have had more room to spread out at home in the double-wide than she had at Applebee's. She just needed to whip up a few handy dandy appetizers from a website, throw them onto her coffee table and then wait for gifts. It's easy, Stacy. You could go here and make the delicious sounding Chicken, Peach and Bacon Bites and then open up a box of wine and call it a day. And then none of your friends are going to think you are any lamer than they already thought you were. (Seriously, those Chicken, Peach and Bacon Bites sound damn good.)

I hope Stacy's baby shower was all she dreamed it would be. I hope she got everything she wanted and that she will remember that day forever. It's not every day that a woman brings another life into this world. Oh wait. Actually, each day 358,192 children are born around the world so I guess it isn't that big of a deal. The rare thing about this particular event was that Stacy was so cheap that she had her baby shower in a fucking Applebee's and didn't even pick up the tab for her friends.


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37 comments:

Claire said...

Oh my word. So tacky Stacy. I hate you Stacy. I also hate going to baby showers that don't serve alcohol.. wtf?! I have to suffer because the host got knocked up and can't drink? Lame!

Fleur said...

I hate how baby and bridal showers have morphed into something out of control.

Generally though, Stacy should not be holding her own baby shower. Either her friend or family member should be throwing it for her. Thus, the expense of the shower would fall on Stacy's friend, or family. That being said, I can totally see someone being tacky enough to include "separate checks" and the registry information on the invite.

Unfortunately, I've seen enough online where people think it is totally okay to have a shower where the guests have to pay for lunch.

I hate the ribbon game that you described.

The Restaurant Manager said...

I agree! Baby showers should NOT be held at a restaurant!

And the "Separate checks" on the invitation... well that's just classy baby!

Joanne said...

Like Fleur stated, someone else usually organizes and funds the baby shower for the pregnant friend/family member.
In any case, that's as bad as a bachelor party that makes the groom to be pay for his own anything on his "last night of freedom."
Lame.

Anonymous said...

"Come to a... A Baby Shower!" What a A winner! LOL

Anonymous said...

Bitchy Waiter, you are SO RIGHT!!! I work at Applebee's and this is just the type of classless, white trash people we get there. This baby shower sounds extra trashy and I just want to vouch for you that this is EXACTLY the kind of illiterate, uneducated TRASH we get there. Kudos for pointing this out (even though you were only assuming the shower was held at Crapplebee's, I agree that it probably was!!!)

Jennifer :)

csabolek said...

So funny...when does your book come out? And will your book tour come through San Diego? I want to buy you a margarita or five.

Anonymous said...

Anyone else notice "Come to a A Baby Shower".. hmmm.. incorrect spelling and punctuation really bothers me. (And here I am, just a server..)

Anyhow, I would not serve the table. Flat out, NO. Sorry lady, take that new server over there.. she'd LOVE to serve you for a five to ten percent tip.. (because we ALL know that's probably what she's going to get overall.)

Anonymous said...

If you don't want to wait on people like this- get out of the service industry or work at an establishment that doesn't accept those type of reservations. When I was 22 and waiting tables, I felt the exact same way! I was young and felt that everybody should understand the restaurant" rules of behavior". People who aren't in the industry don't get it, most people don't realize they are being rude or offensive, they just want to go out and have a good time and feel special... there is no malice intended. If the manager of the restaurant accepts that type of party reso, split checks and all...you really can't blame the guest and you need to do your job- with a smile! it is the service industry.

.: EXIT NINETY-ONE :. said...

I'm having my baby shower at a restaurant. We're doing a lunch at a hibachi place. I kinda hate showers of any kind unless I'm getting clean, in a bathroom, so I figure instead of playing crappy games, we could just let the hibachi chef do the entertaining. I've always been a fan of food tricks and pyrotechnics. If I have it at a restaurant, the person invited will come and not their 3 animal kids. I can't stand whiny, animal kids an even moreso, parents who refuse to parent for fear of hurting little Bucky's feelings. The separate check thing on Stacy's invite in completely tacky. You invite people, knowing they're giving you a gift, the least you can do is pay for a good meal! And lastly, I put a registry card with where I'm registered at because everyone seems to ask "Where are you registered?". I know, that I wanted an intimate lunch with ADULTS, who know how to behave as such with food everyone loves.

Myr said...

Ugh, the dreaded baby shower. The last time they had one of those @ my work, the people brought their own snacks, their own cake and their own PUNCH! Didn't order a THING, messed up our back room, AND DIDN'T TIP THE SERVER!!! Thank God I wasn't there, knowing my luck it would've been my table.

I'm tired of people who use restaurants as their personal conference rooms, offices, place to party where they don't have to clean up their mess, AND NOT EVEN LEAVE A GRATUITY for the poor SOB who gets stuck with them for minimum wage or LESS!

Sorry for the rant, this is my #1 pet peeve right now.

Anonymous said...

Your post gives a glimpse into the many reasons why Stacy is throwing her own shower. She seems like the person who is on baby #5 but is still figuring out who #4's baby daddy is.

So I'm sorry to admit this, but I too am having my baby shower at a restaurant. The restaurant where my husband used to work, in fact. I HATE, abhor, despise and detest baby showers, but they are sometimes a necessary evil. The reason I chose to have it there is because I helped him work a shower there once, and it was the most simple, civilized baby shower ever.

People will come, sit down, eat lunch, DRINK MIMOSAS, eat a cupcake and leave. No games. No guessing how big my stomach is with ribbon (how embarrassing!). No carrying on.

At the end, which will be no longer than an hour and a half after it started, my mom, aunt and best friend will settle up, TIP and leave. The end.

Kathy in Georgia said...

Where are these people FROM? Maybe it's a Southern thing, but I have never been to ANY kind of shower held in a restaurant, & I'm over 50! Baby & wedding showers are given BY A FRIEND OR RELATIVE, not the person "showered", so as to avoid the appearance of greed & tackiness these people seem to find normal. The only permissable function held in a public place is the Bridesmaids Luncheon, which is usually given by the grandmothers or aunts. Guests are certainly not asked to pay! How TACKY!!! These people might as well just send a notice of where to drop off the loot! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO GOOD MANNERS? I don't think this is a generational thing, because I have some friends that are young mothers & they would never think of being this rude to their guests, nor have any of them had their showers, both bridal & baby, in a public place!
And as far as not tipping your server, remember: Karma's a bitch!

jaimez1313 said...

Bitchy Waiter I love the way you come up with such detailed, crazy stories. You're entertaining as hell and you should have your own show. Anyway, the thing I hate most about showers is they camp out after they're done eating and I'm stuck standing around making minimum wage because my section is full.

Anonymous said...

Lol Jennifer.. I to work @ the rotten apple/crapplebees. I would prob wanna kill myself if i got a baby shower in my section. They would run u to death and get a buck from everyone. If yr lucky. Jenn...=D

Joy In COS said...

Oh and just think, Stacy and Dwayne are allowed to vote, and it's equal to yours and mine. And then their tacky little spawn will grow up and be a monster who expects gifts and Applebee's.

California Girl said...

!I haven't heard anyone reference ˝the Pic N Save" since my husband's late aunt used it as her never -fail landmark sighting when giving directions to her house w/ the trailer in the back yard where they stowed her mother.

In fact, her daughter had many of Stacie's tendencies. Separate lunch checks would not bother her sense of etiquette in the least.

Fun story BW

Anonymous said...

This. This was hilarious.

I hate all of the free shit people think they need to get just because they're getting married/ a condom broke. Baby shower gifts and delivery gifts and then there's bridesmaid showers and wedding gifts and who the fuck else knows as I am unmarried/baby-less (thank God)/ not a fatass white trash Applebee's baby shower bitch who leeches off her friends. Holy mother of ass, if I went to that shit and had to pay for my own food...let that classy baby pick up the check

Bob DaBuilda said...

Haha if you think this is bad, some woman had a baby shower at a fast food restaurant I was working at 2 years ago. I mean really, a FAST food joint? Think of your life, think of your choices.

Cat M said...

If I were to go to a shower at a restaurant I would NOT give a gift and instead include in the card, "My gift is the tip to the server." I doubt I would get an invite when they may or may not get married at a later date.

Maria said...

As a cranky old maid with a cat, I hate all the hoopla surrounding weddings and baby showers. I'm especially annoyed that it's gotten to the point where it's considered rude if you don't send a gift even if you can't attend. (Really. Google it. I had to. You know that was cooked up by Bridezillas and trashy moms-to-be.) Of course, if the person is an actual friend or family member and I can't attend I send a gift, but I have received shower invitations from people whose husband/fiance I knew from work and I had barely met the women. It was obviously an attempt to grab as many gifts as possible, even from strangers.

I don't even let it worry me anymore -- I just decline if I don't know or don't like the person, and I don't give it another thought. I'm sure they're too busy piling their loot into the double-wide to worry about what I'm doing that day. And if they DO talk about me, well, consider the source.

Jill said...

The invite was classic. Reminds me of my mother in law who will send a bday invite with 11 misspelled words. I take out my red pen and evaluate it like a grade school teacher and mail it back. She HATES me. You would "think" she'd learn how to use Spell Check.

Two Flights Down said...

Hmmm... Never heard of a shower like this before. Although I see your point, to be fair, it isn't necessarily Stacy putting this together. More than likely, it is friends and relatives throwing it. Honestly, if I didn't feel like going to a baby shower in a restaurant, I simply wouldn't go. If it was a close family member or friend that I wanted to get a gift for, I would give it to him/her on a different occasion. I honestly don't think they could be offended if not many people showed up to this event.

Mary A. said...

Emily Post should be required reading in grammar school.

Diapers are a thoughtful gift, but Diaper CAKES? A stupid way to ruin most of the diapers that you are giving as a gift.

I did not register for a baby shower when I had my three preciouses. Because babies all come in pretty much the same size, and have the same needs: diapers,wipes, bottles, bibs (which I never used) and onesies. And cash. Cash is the most useful gift ever, but I would never ask for it, as I have read Emily Post. (and Miss Manners, Dear Abby and of course Annabel Manners, one of my fave bloggers).

Kim said...

Longtime reader, first-time poster. Love this blog!

That said, GAH!!!! WHO made up all these rules?!?!?!? They should be shot. In an Applebee's while attending Stacy's a A Baby Shower.

=) Kthxbai

foxpen said...

So, I made those tasty sounding Chicken, Peach and Bacon bites...
They are, indeed, pretty tasty.

NellieVaughn said...

Someone complained of a baby shower in which alcohol wouldn't be served!?! Wtf. I've never been to one in which alcohol was made available. How tacky. The classy thing to do it to store alcohol in the trunk of your car, and excuse yourself to 'make a phone call' whenever you need a stiff one. A stiff one is what got the woman there in the first place.

Ange said...

This has to be your best post yet.

Unknown said...

Epic.

Seriously. I frigging hate baby showers and I am not even in the service industy.

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious and an entertaining writer!! I enjoyed reading your post. I'm six months pregnant and googled, "baby shower invitations that aren't annoying" in preparation for my shower. Your blog was included in the results. So funny. Well, wish me luck on finding some non-irritating shower invitations. Why do they all have "cute" rhymes on them? Ugh!

Anonymous said...

I am completely throwing a baby shower at an applebee's for a co-worker. She doesn't have any family in the area she has definitely fallen on hard times. So we will get her gifts, some will be secondhand, none of us are even middle- class in terms of money, and we will split the check 10 ways and play for her food. I work in customer service so I know how people can be and I try never to make someone's job harder but when you take that job that's what you sign up for.

Estelle Millette said...

You should check out this new webseries on awkward baby shower moments on youtube!

ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41i7tgqzQHM&feature=plcp

Estelle Millette said...

you should check out this new webseries on awkward baby shower moments on youtube!

Tracy M Orsak said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

LMAO! I noticed that, too. I was wondering if anyone else did!!!

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't it be awesome if they all had a groupon?

Josh A. said...

My wife's baby shower rocked. We rented a community center. We provided a keg, liquor and catered food (her sister who is a party planner took care of the food). We had over 100 people there, many of them men. Fun was had by all and we got a shit ton of gifts.