Get some Bitchy Waiter in your email!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

It's National Tell-a Lie Day

Today is a special day. Not only is it the birthday of Maya Angelou, everyone's favorite wise sage, poet-spewing, teacher of life, something else is special about today. Okay, it is also the 26th anniversary of the day we said good bye to television's Knight Rider, but that's not what I'm talking about either. Today is April 4th and it is National Tell-a-Lie Day. I dunno who came up with this stupid ass day, but I love it. It will make my night at work so much easier. In honor of this auspicious occasion, let me list some of the many big fat lies I have told while wearing an apron.

  1. Yes, I just checked on your food and it will be right out.
  2. Our cappuccino machine is broken.
  3. I am so sorry your burger is over cooked.
  4. It's your birthday? What wonderful news. We can't wait to sing to you.
  5. Your children are adorable.
  6. Yes, I promise this is regular coffee.
  7. Yes, this is ginger ale. It is not Sprite with a splash of Coke.
  8. I washed the lemons.
  9. The patio has already been closed for the night.
  10. No, the website is wrong. We close at 10:30 now.
  11. Yes, that is Chardonnay.
  12. Bartender, can I get another glass of Chardonnay? I'm not gonna ring it in because the stupid lady at table 7 spilled it and this is a replacement. It's not like it's for me or anything so just pour it right now and hurry up, please.
  13. Yes, I have tried the special of the day and it's delicious.
  14. The fish is fresh and never frozen.
  15. My pleasure.
  16. Yes, we have a lot of fun working here.
  17. I love your outfit.
  18. Manager, you are so cool.
  19. Chef, can I get some more fries for table 7? She said her's are cold and she wants fresh ones. It's not like it's for me or anything so just make them right now and hurry up, please.
  20. Of course I mopped the bathrooms.
  21. Of course I checked to see of there is enough toilet paper.
  22. I would never steal toilet paper from here. Do you think I am too cheap to buy my own toilet paper so I just steal it from work?
  23. The salt and peppers were just washed last night so I don't need to do them tonight.
  24. I care about your food. If you're not satisfied, I want to fix it.
  25. I don't know who put Chardonnay in a to-go cup and hid it behind the coffee machine. It's probably that new girl. She seems like trouble.
  26. I polished the silverware.
  27. I always wash my uniform before I wear it to work.
  28. No, it does not sit in my locker for weeks and weeks at a time.
  29. I care about how I look for my job.
  30. That's how the sidestand looked when I got here.
  31. I don't know who spilled the ketchup in the walk-in. It's probably that new girl. She seems like trouble.
  32. Yes, the Ranch is low-fat.
  33. I did not already add the gratuity, thank you for asking.
  34. I wasn't in the bathroom just so I could play my turn on Words With Friends.
  35. No, I have never posted a picture of our shift meal to my Facebook page. That would be disrespectful.
  36. I don't feel well, can someone close for me tonight?
  37. Yes, we have Pepsi products.
  38. Yes, we have Coca-Cola products.
  39. I claimed all of my tips tonight.
  40. The manager said I can have another shift drink.
  41. This coffee should be hotter now because I just put in the microwave for 30 seconds, Not two minutes.
  42. I don't know where your apron went, but this one is mine.
  43. I got the ice the last time.
  44. Somebody forgot to marry the ketchups last night. It's probably that new girl. She seems like trouble.
  45. I always write down my orders.
  46. I did not steal your pen; this is mine. It's probably that new girl. She seems like trouble.
  47. We just ran out of bread.
  48. Yes, I refilled the sugar caddies last night before I left.
  49. Oh my gosh, ma'am. That is the first time I have ever seen a roach here.
  50. Sorry, I'm late. My train was stopped for a police investigation.
  51. I am not drunk.
  52. I care about your allergy.
  53. The chowder is all vegetarian.
  54. I'm sorry, but the kitchen screwed up your order. It was not my fault.
  55. Yes, bus boy, that's all you get tonight. We had a slow night.
  56. You've been here for ten minutes and no one has approached you yet? Your server must be busy so let me help you.
  57. The hostess is so efficient and not a dumb slut at all.
  58. We make all of our desserts here in house.
  59. I have no idea how a fish tail ended up in your Brownie Bottom Pie.
  60. No, I'm not quitting in the middle of a shift. I'm just going to the deli next door to get some Chapstick, I'll be right back.

What are some the lies you have said at your job?


Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.

15 comments:

Angela Grace said...

That is so funny. I did not know that today was tell a lie day. I already told one lie so I guess that counts me out for another lie.

Corina said...

OHh Bitchy..I LOVED LOVED this post! Thanks for a laugh, after a rough day! And congrats on your marriage, and here's to 21 x 2 more years!

Jayne said...

Thanks for the laugh Mr Bitch! I needed it! Drove all the way to work today-45 minutes, 24 miles, $10 bucks in gas to be told they were letting me go! This is not a lie! Peppe La Goosey-the manager from hell-I name him that because he is French and is like talking to the goose in Charolette's Web-he fuckin' repeats everything 3times! In fact in the middle of him lying saying I had complaints, which I read all the comment cards, you know I wouldn't be so dumb to turn in a bad one, which I didn't get any anyway! He started repeating himself and I stood up and said OK and left him in mid sentence! thank god I don't have to work with that Douche bag anymore!

KB said...

My God, how true. And funny. And damn that new girl anyway. Actually, it's probably the fault of whoever most recently no longer works here.

TheRealBarman said...

Guest Lie: I'm a bartender...I'll totally tip you FAT!

Mine: Awesome! I'll make your next drink REALLY strong!

Mary A. said...

How funny! I was just picking up the phone to return your call!

Facebook doesn't belong at work.

I never blog from my office. Or read them. Ever.

She is the nicest boss

If I wasn't happily married with 3 kids, I would totally suck your dick. And swallow.(that one is sometimes the truth)

Muah!

NellieVaughn said...

I told all of those within my first week. I love to lie. I may be lying now. See what I did there?

Anonymous said...

Dammit. I missed the damn "tell a lie day". I'll have to make up for it tomorrow.

I think I lie more to my bosses than guests.

"nope, can't work that Sunday, I have to go to mass with a friend who lost her baby a year ago.. we're going to celebrate his life.." I think that was the one which made me calculate my Karma..

Myr said...

Loved this list!
My work lies?
It wasn't me who left that empty glass rack.
Oh, the chef would NEVER mess with your food, even though you sent it back three times.
The milkshake machine is broken.
I will go check and see why the wi-fi isn't working.
I didn't use all the salad mix and not go get the back-up.
What a lovely hat/pin/shirt you're wearing!
Our GM is very busy right now. Hahaha! That one is NEVER true!

SharleneT said...

I NEVER tell a lie. I am wrapped in a protective white lie bubble that makes everything I say the absolute truth -- for that moment. I'm usually gone by the time the fog lifts.

Unknown said...

I laughed so hard I broke a sweat! Reminds me of the time I told the Jewish family, after they had a round of burgers, "yes, our ice cream IS kosher!"
I'm sure I'm going to hell for that.

Anonymous said...

I hate this new layout you have for mobile. I keep flipping to the next story before I'm ready. Now I have to drag my laptop out and wait for it to start up. Come on man I work foh I try to do as little as possible. You know this.

Stacy said...

I'm always spilling stuff in the walk in. I usually just glance at it, look around to see if anyone saw, then leave.

It's the best to see the manager walk inside, then ask loudly who keeps spilling blue cheese dressing on the floor.

Anonymous said...

I told the manager you're freezing to death and watched him turn the air down myself so it should be getting more comfortable for you anytime now :-D

jMAN5 said...

*Walking towards the clock out wall* A random table asks me if I can get them a strawberry lemonade, I say sure. *Proceeds to go some roundabout way to get to clock out wall*