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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Never Say These Things Again, Customers

I decided to make a list (in bullet form since I learned the HTML code for it. Fancy, ain't it?) of all the things I hate to hear coming from the mouth of a customer. None of them are unique or interesting and I don't care to ever hear these phrases again. Holla to Thomas for the inspiration for this bitchy post.

  • "Oh I hated it." when I clear their plate that they virtually licked clean. Tired joke.
  • "You don't even have to send that plate to the dishwasher." when I clear their plate that they virtually licked clean. Tireder joke.
  • "What do you have to drink?" This makes me crazy. Every restaurant has the same things to drink. They just do.
  • "Can I get seconds?" If you want to order another entree, that is fine with me.
  • "Are you an actor?" All waiters in New York City are not actors. I happen to be one.
  • "Have I seen you in anything?" You have never seen me in anything unless you make a habit of seeing really bad theater in basements in the outer boroughs. Or maybe you picked me out of the crowd scene in that Enchanted movie.
  • "What's good?" The most expensive thing is the best tasting thing on the menu. Order two.
  • "Is this really Diet Coke?" If you ordered a fucking Diet Coke, then you got a fucking Diet Coke. The only time I may switch one soda for another is when a fat kid orders a third Coke. The third one will be a Diet Coke because it just needs to be.
  • "I'm allergic to ________ ." Are you really allergic to it or do you just not want it?
  • "It's my birthday!" Hurrah for you. You were born. What a colossal achievement to be proud of. No, you do not get free shit.
  • "I'm a really good tipper." Anyone who says this is not a good tipper. Ever.
  • "We are really in a hurry." No you're not. You're just really hungry.
  • "Do you have a restroom?" Seriously?
  • "I would like a cup of hot coffee." Thank you for reminding me to not get your coffee from the pot that is labeled room temperature coffee.
  • "Is our food ready?" Yes, it is. It's been sitting back there on a shelf for 15 minutes but I just wasn't sure that you really wanted it but now that I know you do, I will go get it.
  • "I know what I want to order" when you clearly have no idea what the fuck you want to order.
  • "Oh you don't close for five more minutes? Whew, we made it just in time!" I hate you and so does the kitchen staff. Please do enjoy our saliva.
  • "Is this dessert low calorie?" They think it's funny to ask this as they cram a cheesecake into their face. It's not funny. It's sad.
  • "Can I get these fries to go?" Just eat the fucking fries now. They are only french fries and they will taste like ass when you try to reheat them in your microwave tomorrow.
  • "What else do you do?" as if waiting tables isn't enough to occupy one's life. It's insulting and I don't need to tell you what else I do with my life. (I sit at home and question my decision to not get my teacher's certificate.)
  • "Can I get some more bread?" Just because it is free does not mean you have to eat a baker's dozen worth of rolls.
  • "Thank you." Just kidding. Nobody ever says that.

What do you hate hearing at work?



Dominouche95 said...

"may i have my water with no ice".... go F*CK YOURSELF!

Megan said...

"I'll have a rum and coke" Or insert any alcoholic beverage here. The place I work obviously doesn't serve alcohol.

"Are you a student?" because why else would I choose to work at such a dump.

"Why is this so expensive?" Because I know why this place charges what it does, and I being a server must have some say in the prices. Right.

"Tell the cook to hook it up" Hhhhmmm no, you really don't want me to do that.

"Can I get a buffalo chicken sandwich, but instead of chicken can I have a boca burger? And instead of a ciabatta roll can I have wheat toast? And can you make me guacamole to put on it?" Seriously people, just order off the fucking menu.

Fr. von Orleans said...

"Oh c'mon. Its only 9.05. Can't I get the drink at Happy Hour charge!" No you can't, fucker... thats why its called happy hour and not happy choose your time!

"Could you put less ice in my cocktail..." Like I'd really put in more alcohol for less ice.

"If the prices were different I'd tip you better!" Get ou of here or I'll fucking strangle you!!!!

LW said...

I have to say, you hit the most irritating one; "Is my food ready?" When it's ready I'll bring it out!

"Smile!" like you go around with a huge grin on your face all the time at work? I am eating/smoking/standing in the server station. I am not interacting with anyone at the moment and do not need to smile to myself. If you want me to smile, tell a joke or go sit at a table where I have to give you my best fake grin.

MTW said...

a guest will order a decaf coffee, and say "now make sure it's decaf, or i'll be up all night." so i drop the coffee to the guest and get to listen to this: "are you suuuure this is decaf? i'll call the restaurant tomorrow and complain if it's not decaf! or better yet, give me YOUR phone number and i'll call YOU in the middle of the night if i'm still awake!"

or "this drink isn't strong enough. take it back and ask the bartender to put more alcohol in it." sure, asshole, if you want to pay for a double i'd be happy to.
ps, moron- maybe you can't taste the booze because you got a FUZZY NAVEL.

Mel said...

Not at a restaurant, but at my shop I get asked ALL The time.. "Can you lower the price of that?" If the price of it was would be marked as dont go to the grocery store and ask for the loaf of bread to be $1 instead of $ fuck off. k? thanks.

purplegirl said...

I hate hearing "Oh, can you get me XX--just when you have a second!" because 99.9% of the time "when you have a second" means GET IT NOW BITCH.

Lea Anne said...

LOL those are all awesome. My favorite is when they ask for a diet coke then tell everyone at the table that they cant tell the difference between regular and diet........ Why the hell are you ordering it???

Linny said...

When you ask people if they would like a beverage, or something to drink , and they say, "No, I only want a water" Umm ok dumbass. Last time I checked, water is still liquid, and you can drink it. Duhh.

Linny said...

I unfortunately work in a fine establishment where I have to write my name upside down on the table. It takes everything in my power not to sucker punch the aholes that make comments like "gee, how long'd it take you to learn that", or "wow, arent' you smart". GO f yourself.

dirtydisher said...

"Hey, honey." I am not your "honey"..I will stab your eyes out with a fork.

Maureen said...

"Can you repeat that?"

Anonymous said...

I love when, say they order a burger, and as you are serving it to them and right before the burger even hits the table, they say "I need some mayo with that."

Obviously you knew you needed mayo when you ordered the burger, couldn't you have told me then? No, because you think I like walking back and forth to the kitchen 50 extra times a night.

Becky said...

I work at a hotel. I could go forever without hearing...

"Where should I park?"...Hmmm I'd say in the parking lot.

"Are you a student?" (yeah I get that too) No I'm not. I'm stuck in this dead end job and don't like to be reminded of it.

"Why don't I have the same rate as my friend?" I have no friggin clue...did you book your room at different times? Use different websites?

"Is this hotel safe?" We're in a tiny suburban town in Connecticut.'s safe.

"Should I lock my car?" ...

Becky said...

Oh! One more favorite of mine... "Is the pool on the first floor?"

SolitaryAngel said...

I work at ChaCha and these are the most-often asked, lame-ass questions:
*What is the average penis size? (obviously bigger than YOURS)
*How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (Oh Ha.Ha.HA)
*How do you have sex? (get OFF this phone you little shit! I didn't know what sex WAS at your age)
*Can I be a ChaCha guide too? (NO you're an asshole and wouldn't last 10 minutes)
Obviously I'm not a server but I love your blog!!!

Aaron said...

"I'm allergic to gluten, so no croutons, breadcrumbs, or flour." - No you fucking don't. It's always the middle aged emaciated white bitches that have them too. You just don't want the carbs. Admit it, bitch.

sheela said...

coffee end tables
furniture coffee tables
furniture end tables
leather ottoman storage
livingroom coffee tables
livingroom end tables
ottomans torage
ottoman with storage
sofa end tables
coffee table furniture
coffee tables
end tables
glass coffee tables
head phones
dining room tables
ipod nano 3rd generation
ipod nano 8gb
oak tables
sofa tables

Sara said...

while i'm wiping the glass windows down as part of my side work,
"I should take you home and you can do that for me!"

contrary to popular opinion, I am not your own personal slave, no matter how many times you made me run to the kitchen while you were in this building, alright bitch?

AlyKat said...

Me (in fake high-pitched voice because my manager is walking right behind me): "Hi! My name is-"

Asshole Customer: "-Coke!"

One minute later in the kitchen as I get said beverage: "Yes, that's right my name is 'Coke' bitch. I hate telling you my name as if I'm your friend as it is, just let me do my fucking job and wait the extra 3 seconds to yell your drink order at me!"

Anonymous said...

Our specials run Monday to Wednesday all day long, and everyday from 3pm to 6pm.

I tell the guest this, verbatim, when the special is on.

Without fail, every single time, they only hear half of it.

If it's a Tuesday, the automatic response is: "Oh, well it's 7pm. You said 6. Can we get it now?"

If it's a Thursday at 5: "Oh, well it's Thursday, not Monday through Wednesday. We can't get it?"

What the shit is in your ears?

Maria said...

(Scene: It's a steakhouse, they ordered a 22oz. porterhouse well done, and it's been more than 8 seconds):

"Are they killing the cow back there?"

Yes, that's how it started out, sir, but the cow's gained control of the knife, and well, it's anyone's game now. Pay no attention to the screaming and bleeding. More rolls?

Krissy said...

When they order food and don't eat the shit. Annoying!

Kassie said...

'I used to be a chef, and this menu doesn't look right.' Get back in your own kitchen then!

'I'm a vegetarian - what are my options?' Read the vege menu; or sod off and die.

I find the 'Is this all you do?' question insulting as well.

Anonymous said...

Sadly they do...