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Friday, July 23, 2010

Butter Sandwich

My vacation is almost over and I am probably somewhere right this second crying and trying to cram as much fattening food into my mouth as possible because it's vacation and it's okay to do that. And on that note, a blog about butter.

The Bitchy Waiter

When we start a new job, we always find ourselves full of uncertainty and nerves. We worry about whether or not people will like us and will our co-workers be nice or not. It can be quite stressful and we depend on others to make us feel welcome in a new environment. When someone new comes into my restaurant, I always make sure I am part of the Welcome Wagon. I always introduce myself and offer to take them on a tour of the front and back of the house. I give them tips and pointers on how to make the computer system work for them and advise them which cooks are willing to help you out if you get in the weeds. Oh, who am I kidding? I don't give a shit about new people. I wait at least a week before I invest any time with them because too many times people quit after two or three days and I realize I wasted two or three whole sentences on them. Some people like to play tricks on the newbies and one of the best happened when I worked at The Black Eyed Pea on West Grey in Houston, Texas.

At The Pea, we were responsible for making our own desserts so we had completes access to all of them at any time. One of our favorite snacks was to take two chocolate chip cookies and then make an ice cream sandwich using French Vanilla ice cream. Were we supposed to do that? Absolutely not. Did we do that? Every fucking day. So one day we decided to play a trick on some new guy. Tim made himself one of the ice cream sandwiches and then walked by the new guy while eating it and saying how delicious it was. Of course New Guy wanted to know what it was and if he could have one. "Sure," said Tim. "Since you're new let me make it for you. I'll be right back." Tim went to the cookie bin and pulled out two freshly re-heated not homemade cookies and then walked over to the ice cream freezer. And then walked past the ice cream freezer and went to the tub of whipped butter that we used for the biscuits and cornbread. He took a huge scoop of the butter and placed in between the cookies and smashed it together. Comparing the butter to the French Vanilla, the two desserts looked exactly the same. Off he bounds to New Guy to hand him his freshly made sweet.

"Thanks, you're nice, "said New Guy.

"It's what I do," said Tim.

We watched with eager anticipation as New Guy moved the cookie and butter concoction towards his hungry hungry hippo hole of a mouth. He opened wide because Tim had filled that bitch up with butter. It was going to be a big bite. As he bit into it, the cookie crumbled and the butter oozed out of the sides of his mouth. His eyes registered surprise and then realization that he was now eating a cup of butter. Of course all us bitches laughed at him as he tried to decide whether or not to swallow that first bite or spit it out. He spit it out, laughed at himself and learned that he had been had. He thought he was now part of the Black Eyed Pea gang. He wasn't and wouldn't be until it was his turn to play the trick on the next New Guy. Until that time, he was the newbie and had to face the fact that another prank could be waiting for him at any time. It sucks being the new guy. But then again it pretty much sucks to be the old-timer too, so there you go. A two way tie for shitty.

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Mary A. said...

Is it totally gross that the idea of whipped butter sandwiched between 2 cookies sounds really yummy to me?

Why am I a size 24 again?

Anonymous said...

I've actually done this to someone. The pure pleasure of watching the taste register will always surpass the guilt I feel for taking advantage of a newbie or friend. yes, it is just as fun with friends and with mayo in between oatmeal cookies instead of cream pie filling.

Queen of the Rant said...

The kitchen is the worst for this. I remember pulling pranks on the newbies, like can you go and get the banana peeler, and fill up the ice machine with water so it can make ice, ohh we were so bad, but this one is pretty bad, poor guy.

Rachee said...

That is so awesome! I would have laughed so hard at seeing that!

Erin L. said...

I worked at that Pea. I wonder if we ever crossed paths. REmember the Strawberry shortcake? Looks a lot like cornbread, huh? We served an entire pan of Strawberry cornbread to customers without realizing it once.....