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Monday, May 23, 2011

A Message From that Rapture Guy:

Dear World:

Harold Camping here! I hope you had a great weekend. Heard any good jokes lately? LOL. Well, what can I say? Oops! I know, I know. I was adamant about the world ending on Saturday and this time I was even more sure about it than I was in 1994, but I must have been mistaken with my mathematical equations. I blame it on the free calculator I got from Costco when I opened up a credit card account there. I owe you all an apology, but my sincerest apologies go to my followers who quit their jobs and spent their life savings in order to spread the word. Sorry. :) And to that guy who spent $140,000 of his own money for the New York City subway and bus advertising campaign, you rock! Thank you for your support, but I never asked you to do that, did I? It was simply out of the goodness of your heart and you will be reimbursed for it. However, I can't pay you back in dollars. Instead, I will put in a special shout out to God on your behalf. You're welcome! :) And please make sure you keep in touch, because I know you will want to help me out again when I plan for the next doomsday. Right now I am thinking some time in 2017, but by then I will be 95 years old. Depending on my health, I may have to bump it up a few years. Stay tuned!

Some of you may be wondering why I didn't issue a press release sooner; like on May 21st at 6:05 PM perhaps. You might think I was too embarrassed to show my face but that is simply not the case. (I made a rhyme!) I had a very busy Sunday. Most of the day I spent on the phone with my credit card company. I needed to reverse several thousand dollars of charges I had made on my account over the last month. Truth be told, I really didn't expect to be around to pay the bill when it showed up so I had to return a few items. Golly, I sure will miss that hot tub. I also had to go to the grocery store, water my plants and retrieve my pets that I had let loose in the woods. By the time I got all that done, I was plum tuckered out.

As for the thousands and thousands of dollars that you have all donated to my cause, I want to say thank you. It was really sweet of you to do that. I never ever in a million billion trillion gazillion years expected people to donate to my church. And this whole Rapture thing I can guarantee was absolutely 100% not a publicity stunt to fill my coffers with more gold. (Hey, maybe I don't need to return that hot tub! :) Just kidding! LOL!) Rest assured that all of that money will be used for something very very important. I have narrowed it down to three possibilities: I will either use it to build a school in Africa, feed the homeless or I might just let it sit in the bank and collect interest until I die at which time it will be bequeathed to my dog Noah, providing I ever find him in the woods.

Finally, I want to promise to you that the next time I predict a doomsday, it will definitely happen. And I don't mean like probably happen or more than likely happen, it's really gonna happen. And I mean that, because if I didn't mean it then that would make me a false prophet. And false prophets are bad. (False profits are bad too, LOL! So again, I am so so totally sorry about the whole mix up. Don't hate me, okay? Jesus loves you.

Harold Camping

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badbadwebbis said...


...also, the word verification is 'repint,' which, if you say it with an East Texas accent, is 'repent.' Awesome.

jnana said...

LITERALLY rolling on the floor laughing!

Mary A. said...

Is he related to the FBHSAHM???? LOL!

hi BW I wuv oo! LOL!

Kalei's Best Friend said...

u gotta wonder about a Bible totting freak..btw never heard of this loon...

The Empress said...

Brilliant! And you just know that Mr. Apocalypse Predictor was thinking most / all of this stuff when the clocked struck 6:01pm.

zelbess said...

Laughing SO hard! Oh bitchy, I love your humor and snark. My abs are killing me now thanks to you!

Anonymous said...

Here's the link to the latest story...basically he is saying that the Rapture did happen--it just wasn't physical, it was spiritual and that God is still going to destroy the world on October 21st. *sigh*

The guys obviously a nut job.

I loved your post and almost spit coffee out of my nose. Thanks a lot! ;-)

Anonymous said...

laughs. ahh what a dum dink. I was so grumpy on sat, all because of this guy.
Started work at 10am, didn't smile at all until Noon.

Rommel Peter Fernandes said...

Brother, why don't you read the Bible carefully, please? You are making a laughing stock of yourself.
Homestay in Goa

badbadwebbis said...

Jesus put us all on Double-Secret Probation.

Anonymous said...

The guy makes crappy predictions and uses crappy font as well. Just sayin'.