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Monday, May 16, 2011

Albert Einstein ♥'s The Bitchy Waiter

It was a simple task that needed to be done. A napkin had fallen underneath booth number 15 and it did not belong there. I sat down in the booth and then leaned myself onto my back thinking I could then reach underneath the seat to get the offending piece of garbage. Nope, not quite able to reach it. I pulled my tired aging body up and then did what I didn't want to do in the first place. I got down on my hands and knees and crawled under the table to get to the goddamn napkin. Once under the table, discarded gum mere inches away from my naturally curly hair, I had a flash of my life. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. Or was it an "outer" body experience? Whatever. Either way, it seemed like I was seeing myself from another perspective. It was as if I had floated above my physical body and could look down and see the reality of my situation. Maybe I was only under the table for about twenty seconds, but my mind filled with thoughts and ideas:
  • Am I really a middle aged man sitting on the floor of a restaurant that only hours before I had mopped?
  • Maybe I should go back to school and get my teaching credentials.
  • What path has led me to this? Oh, I know what path it was. It was the "I'm gonna move to New York City and be a famous actor" path. Remember that fork in the road about 15 years ago? You took the wrong turn.
  • I really need to quit "trying" to write a book and actually do it.
  • Hey, remember that time you were proud to be a waiter?
  • Hey, this would be a good blog post.
  • Hey, a french fry.
  • That baby at the next table thinks I'm having a good time under here.
  • I wonder if there are any boogers on the underside of this table and if not, there's about to be because I've got one in my left nostril that has been needing to come out for about ten minutes.
  • I should have just left this napkin under here and made Moe get it. He sucks.
  • Would anyone notice if I took a nap under here? I mean, other than that baby?
  • At least I can't hear that douche tool at the bar yapping away about Toddlers and Tiaras.
  • The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
  • The blood is rushing to my head from being on my knees like this. I need a drink.
And then all of a sudden, Albert Einstein came to me in a vision and said, "Bitchy Waiter, you know what insanity is? It's doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Do you understand what I am telling you? I nodded to him that I did indeed understand. "You have to change your own life because no one else is going to do it for you, do you understand, Bitchy Waiter?" I nodded again. "And finally," he said, "can you please get me some coffee? And make sure it's hot. And fresh. Make it decaf. With half and half. And Splenda." The apparition faded away and I pulled myself out from under the table.

"But wait, Mr. Einstein! Tell me more! What should I do? And where do you want me to take your coffee?" But Albert Einstein was gone. I brushed myself off and tossed the napkin into the trash can. I looked at the baby at the next table and said, "Be a doctor, kid." I went on with my night but felt a determination to change my life and quit talking about the things I was going to do, but actually do them. Right after I emptied out the trash cans in the restrooms.

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California Girl said...

Speaking as someone whose wish was always to write a book (well, at least FINISH one anyway!) I think you are a contender. You're funny; you have a great title; your perspective is hilarious; you might actually teach a few people something.

That last fragment...NAH!

PS. word veri is "subduey". One letter change and it would have fit your blog to a "T"!

dirtydisher said...

energy=mass squared by a fucking snot rag under a table.

Mary A. said...

If Einstien is so fucking smart, how come he never used a comb?

Anonymous said...

You really could just turn your blog into a book. Plenty of bloggers have. You could call it "Confessions of a Bitchy Waiter" or something like that. I'd buy it. =]

The Empress said...

This is definitely a sign that a new chapter in your life is about to unfold. I have a feeling it is going to be an amazing chapter. You go Bitchy!

Amber said...

Awesome, awesome post. Exactly where I am in life, too. Congrats. Or apologies. I'm not sure which.

digressions said...

I have had moments like these at work as well, and I love the way you tell it...great post as always! And yes, I will absolutely buy your book WHEN it comes out!

Practical Parsimony said...

I keep telling you that this would be a great book. I would buy it and advertise far and wide for free. By the way, next time use a dirty or clean utensil to drag the napkin out. Or, ask the child/baby at the next table. Seriously, there is no way I would crawl under a table. That grossed me out like nothing you have written so far.