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Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Toe of the Camel

Of all the sights that have caught my eye, there's one I truly know that gives me frights and makes me cry: the dreaded camel toe.

Why oh why do women not bother to look in the mirror sometimes? Especially when that woman is about to get up on a stage in front of 60 people and have spotlights shining upon her? Wouldn't she want to make sure that every thing is as good as it can be? Her hair and make up spot on? Her outfit freshly pressed? Her black Lycra® pants not being sucked up into her vagina?

There was a performer at my job last month who although extremely talented, was upstaged by her guest star, Camel Toe. Camel Toe came up on stage with her and then it never left. It liked the attention and it was not going anywhere. We have a full length mirror in the dressing room, for Christ's sake. Use it. You know in those cartoons when someone is really bad on stage and a giant hook comes from offstage and pulls them off? How I wished for a giant pair of pliers to show up and pull those pants out of her pooch. Or you know how on Showtime at the Apollo Sandman Sims would come out and tap dance someone off the stage when they sucked? I needed Sandman to rise from the grave and tippy tap that twat away. Maybe the singer liked her Camel Toe. Maybe it gave her comfort in the same way that Linus from The Peanuts takes comfort from his blanket. After all, she did wear a black top with a line of sequins that went right down the front of her body ending at Camel Toe. Was this a way to draw attention to it? And in almost every song, she swayed her hips back and forth and to and fro making Camel Toe more prominent with every move. By the time the show was over she had almost graduated from Camel Toe to full on Moose Knuckle. It was distracting to me and I usually am not in the habit of looking at that particular part of the female anatomy.

I kept waiting for her to sing Midnight at the Oasis so she could utter the perfect lyrics, "Send your camel to bed" and if not to bed then to the Bronx fucking Zoo. Anywhere but my place of employment, please. At one point she sang a song about the Sahara Desert and I couldn't help but wonder if it was a shout out to her friend Camel Toe. Every time she took a sip of water, I questioned if the water was for her or Camel Toe. Was her Camel Toe one-humped or two? (It was two.)

After her last song, she ran off stage to where I was hanging out by the bar and she waited to return for the obligatory encore. I tried not to look at Camel Toe, but it was staring at me. "Hey there, Bitchy Waiter, down here! Look at me! I'm hot and sweaty, but happy as a clam. For I am Camel Toe! I'm thirsty."

"Ummm, good show," I muttered.

"Oh thanks, sweetie. I guess I'll go do one more song." She readied herself to return to the stage. She shook her hair out and took a big sip of water. And then she hiked her pants up so high that her Urethra Franklin cried out for some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. She closed her act and then came out and chatted with us as we cleaned up for the night. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and thanked me for everything. After she left, I told my boss, "She was really nice. It's gonna be difficult to write a blog about her camel toe." You know what though? It really wasn't that difficult at all.

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arathisiewen said...

I was going to write a comment and then got distracted by "" - *dances over to the site*

MrsOliver said...

"from cameltoe to full on moose knuckle"...I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything or it would have gone right out my nose at that line!

Chunky Mama said...

Funny, yet completely disturbing.
Nice job.

ChiTown Girl said... does someone NOT know there is a yard of fabric stuck between their lips!? ewwww.....

dirtydisher said...

Ahhh memories. Tighter than skin mom jeans with camel toe were the height of fashion in the 70's. I weighed 90 pounds and still had to lay on the bed and use pliers to zip mine. When your poon felt like fire, you were ready to party.

The Empress said...

If she ever comes back to perform you can leave her a discrete little welcome gift: The Camel Toe Eraser. They are special underwear liners that minimize the appearance of twat lips. Obviously the lady needs some BW fashion assistance!

The Ranter's Box

Mary A. said...

Maybe she stocked up on gynelotrimin and wanted to make sure she had a yeast infection so she could use it.

Maybe it was to keep her ben-wah balls in place. (I do not know why I know what those are, but I do. DO NOT TELL ANYONE).

Or maybe, just maybe, her snatch was as big as a house and she would have camel toe no matter what.

Did she have popé too?

itswhatiam said...

"Urethra Franklin" made me laugh for real.

Angela_Baker said...

I think I was 2 seconds away from choking to death over my laughter from "Moose Knuckle" and "Urethra Franklin."

sally said...

Some gals think camel toe looks sexy. They think if they are thin enough they can pull anything off.

Anonymous said...

1st off- to dirtydisher- I too liked the carnies
2nd- Moose knuckles!!
3rd-I went to high school with a girl me an my friends called "Gappy". Not exactly a "camel toe" but your blog reminded me of her.

watergirl said...

"Urethra Franklin".

HAHAHAAHAHAHHAH - best thing I've heard all month!


Crystal said...

I didnt even notice "urethra franklin" until just now reading the comments, like it was just casually tossed in there, lol. you make me fear for my life when i eat at a restaurant, but at the same time most of these people deserve what they get. You, sir, are awesome.

KWB said...

I am constantly checking to see if I have a camel toe. One time, I was shopping with my mother and a friend. I came out and immediatly noticed it. Swellage and everything. My mom was going on and on about how much she liked the pants and that we should buy them. I exclaimed loudly (because I forgot my mom was there and I was in a store), "It gives me big old camel toe." My friend laughed out loud when my mother asked, "What's a camel toe?" What do you say at a time like that?

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