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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

No, Your Baby is Not Starving

Oh, entitled parents, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways, you self-absorbed time suckers who think that the world revolves around you and your precocious brat who won't shut the hell up even for one second.

Last week, a five top came in; four adults and one diaper-wearing, needy one year old human who required a high chair. I go to greet them at the front door.

"Hello, how are you tonight? Table for five?"

"My baby is starving. I need bread," snapped the mother.

Really? That's how we're going to start our evening together, by you completely ignoring the (fake ass) pleasantries I am offering you? Is it my fault that you, as a mother, failed to bring a goddamn Ziploc baggie of Goldfish to nourish your child during the long trip from you apartment down the street all the way to the restaurant?

What I said: Alright, let me go get some bread for you and then I can pull some tables together for your party to sit down.

What I thought: I'm sorry, but is your baby from some drought stricken country in Africa and he hasn't had clean water in days? Is your child one of the 15 million who will die of hunger this year? Is he part of the 50% of all children under five years of age in South Asia and one third of those in sub-Saharan Africa who are are malnourished? Is he one out of the eight children in the United States under the age of twelve who goes to bed hungry every night? Or is it that he's just a little fussy and now you regret throwing away that banana that he didn't want twenty minutes ago?

I return with the basket of emergency rations and begin to drag two tables together so they can sit down and eat their dinner now that I have practically saved the life of a child who, had it not been for me, would have surely expired. The group sits down and I notice that the child has taken one bite of bread and is now interested in the battery operated candle that is sitting on the table. Starvation averted! Score one for the war against hunger.

"We have a few specials tonight I can tell you about very quickly. Our soup tonight is a chilled corn soup with a cream base. The corn is grilled and it has a red pepper garnish. Our appetizer of the night is-"

"I'm sorry," mother interrupts. "Can I go ahead and place his order for mac and cheese? He's really hungry. But no bacon in it.""

I look down at the "really hungry" baby who is mouthing the plastic candle. Right, we don't want that baby to eat bacon but by all means let him lick that candle that has remnants of Windex, dust and every germ known to mankind.

"I will do it right this second." I stop pouring water for everyone and firmly set the metal pitcher on the table and leave them to again do my part to solve world hunger, one baby at a time.

"Please rush. This baby is starving," I type on the order so that that the cooks knows how utterly important it is to get the food right away. I head to the kitchen deciding to wait there until I can return with the sustenance before doing anything else for the table. Six minutes later, the mac and cheese is ready and I go to the table.

"Sorry I didn't get a chance to finish pouring water but I know how important it is to get food to a starving baby so I stayed in the kitchen until it was ready." I pick up the pitcher and continue pouring. "So anyway, our appetizer of the night is a roasted beet salad with goat cheese and balsamic dressing..."

Five minutes and two bites of mac and cheese later, the kid is wandering around the restaurant with its mother. Turns out he wasn't starving after all. It was just another case of an entitled parent thinking that their child deserved special treatment because no other child in the world can be as important as their own. Snap out of it lady. If you're fortunate enough to be able to afford to eat out at a restaurant, you're child is not starving. He's lucky. Most of us who are reading this are lucky.

I hate entitled parents.

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The Goat Whisperer said...

Bitchy, me beloved bitchy. May I feature this post on my own blog? Linked back to you, of course!

Jennifer Kay said...

How do you not just punch a bitch in the face? Ugh...

The Artist Formerly Known As Bagel Fairy said...

Good move on your part to ignore the rest of the orders until the oh-so-important mac 'n' cheese was finished...I wonder how those other three adults felt about that?

Wendy said...

Me too.
But i LOVE The Bitchy Waiter!

jnana said...

hahaha "starving"!

ChiTown Girl said...

THIS is a reminder of why I couldn't do your job. I would have told that bitch to go fuck herself!!

Mary A. said...

Who keeps bacon from her children. call CPS on the bitch?

Mary A. said...

I mean:

Call CPS on the bitch!

Brandon Carver said...

I remember being SCREAMED at by a mother like this once... She came around a corner and into my section (far lost from her section) and demanded in the harshest way, "I need water for my child!" I took a deep mental breath, mustering up any politeness I could find, and said, "Would you like that in a regular cup or one with a lid on it?" (I had no idea where she came from or how old her child was, it was logically where my mind went.) "MY BABY IS CHOKING JUST BRING ME SOME DAMN WATER!" I immediately ran away without saying anything else and returned with water in a to-go cup. Choking and baby are words that encouraged urgency, but I wondered why I had to be screamed at over her choking baby. If she would have came around the corner and said, "my baby's choking," there would have been no questioning on my part, or urges to slap her. Babies are no excuse to be a bitch, even if one is choking. Oh and the baby made it... said...

Great post. As a childless patron seated at a neighboring table, entitled parents chap my ass, too.

Tonya said...

I must come to where ever you work and tip you greatly!

Estrellita said...

If your child is fucking starving, doesn't that make you a bad parent? New York is not Sub-Saharan Africa. Food is available for purchase every 20 feet. What's that old chestnut? Poor planning on your part does not constitute any emergency on my part.

Laura said...

Oh geez. :/ I hate these parents. Today I had a four top sit in one of my booths and I walked up with all my fake happy punk rock cheer "Oh, hey guys! How we doing today? Get you guys some drinks?" And the mother pulls out her cell phone and gives me the dirtiest look and puts her hand up to wave me away. I look over at the kids and they mimic her. I was like...alright. I planned to come back when she decided eating was more important than her phone. Literally 30 seconds later she's pulling my manager over to complain that her kids are "So starving and where's that purple haired waitress that's ignoring me?" Bitch, what? I put in her minute later she pulls me over "Um, yeah. I need you to go into the kitchen and see if my food is up because my kids are starving and we're in a big hurry." Yeah. Hi, I have like six other tables here that need shit. You are not entitled!

Anonymous said...

I love you BW.

I always sit and think ... why do you think little babies only can handle M & C? Can't you start training them NOW to eat better? Chopped salad, cut up plain chicken breast, get the idea. Then, when they are b/t the ages of 3-16, oh they won't eat anything thing else (whiny voice). I know in the days of old, before ez mac, kids didn't have M & C 12x a week b/t their cheerios.
I love you BW.

P.s. did I say I love you, BW?

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