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Friday, March 12, 2010

Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore


Enough time has passed since I spoke of my true love The Brady Bunch and I must revisit that classic series. I am thinking back to episode #83, "Goodbye, Alice, Hello." The original air date was November 24, 1972 and I just want to reiterate that this was at least ten years before I was born. Do not question this. Just believe that I was born in the 80's. Yeah, the late 80's. Anyhoo, this is the episode where the kids feel that Alice is a snitch and they don't trust her anymore. Peter broke a vase and when Carol asked Alice who did it, she told the truth and got Peter into major trouble. Then some other shit happens that makes Marcia and Greg think Alice is wronging them so Alice says "fuck all y'all bitches" and she ups and leaves for a new career. As a waitress. Now I don't know how much money Mike Brady was paying her ass, but it had to have been more than she was making at The Golden Spoon Cafe (at Fourth and Oak). They only show her working one shift at the cafe but there are only a few tables in there and unless she is working 100 hours a week, it ain't gonna cut it. Plus all of a sudden she had to start paying rent and buying groceries. She had it pretty good at 4222 Clinton Way when she was living with the kids. True she had to clean up and cook for eight people but she had her own room, didn't pay rent and got to eat all the leftovers she wanted. Plus the uniform at the Brady residence was way cuter than that piece of shit they made her wear at The Golden Spoon. Who knows, maybe Alice shacked up with her piece of meat, Sam the Butcher during that episode. I mean, how could she quit her job as a maid and then the next day have a new job and an apartment? So the Brady kids feel all bad and shit for making Alice leave and they really hate her replacement, Kay. Kay is all business and won't even play a game of basketball with the boys when they ask her to. What a bitch, that Kay is. One day Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy all go to the restaurant to check on Alice and ask her to please come back home with them. And of course she does. She throws her apron off and hugs them and is so excited that she got her old job back and off they go, leaving The Golden Spoon in a lurch because she was the only waitress and she just leaves in the middle of a shift. She totally burned that bridge and I hope she doesn't ever need a reference from Mr. Foster (he's the owner) because he was probably totally pissed off at her for bailing like that. Someone else that was probably royally screwed was Kay. She just started this cushy new job at the Brady's and then Alice decides she wants her job back, so now Kay is unemployed? I dunno, maybe she can talk to Mr. Foster and pick up some shifts at The Golden Spoon.

The fact that Alice left her waitress job to go back to the kids says a lot about waiting tables. Waiting tables must really really suck if she chooses to be a fucking maid for all those people (and Tiger too) rather than sling hash at The Golden Spoon Cafe. Waiting tables ain't easy. Go ask Alice. She knows.

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6 comments:

Maureen said...

Your writing shows a maturity well beyond the age of early to mid twenties.

The Bitchy Waiter said...

Maureen? Maureen McCormick, is that you???

Cynthia said...

Ok - this is one hell of a funny read!
And how lovely would it be to live in TV Land?!
Except for the Twilight Zone. I wouldn't want to live there .... it's too close to real life.

dirtydisher said...

I'd rather suck weener at the Golden Spoon than clean up after 6 kids sharing one bathroom.

Glen said...

Never mind that - how does Homer keep getting his job back at the power station? He's an unreliable idiot! Frankly, I'd be worried if I lived in Springfield.

nice anonymous said...

This sounds familiar...