My friend "Louise" told me a story about how she got a shitty tip at her Mexican restaurant job. The bill was $93 and she got four bucks and eventually five more making it a solid 10%. This is my version of her story:
It was long tough night at Big Brother Bubba's Burrito Bar Buffet and Mexican Style Olde Timey Cantina where Louise had been punching the clock for five years. Bubba's was a nice neighborhood Mexican restaurant with good food, good service and a good staff. One of Louise's co-workers had called in sick and there was no one to cover for her, so Louise had the whole restaurant to herself. It was a tall order, but for a Tuesday night, it would be okay. The tips that night were average. Despite stellar service, for Louise knew no other way to serve, she was getting 12-15% at every table. "What the hell?" she thought. "Is rent due today? Did the stock market crash? Why is no one giving me the 20% I am earning?" She shrugged it off and headed to her next table.
It was a four-top; three frat boys and a young woman with blond hair and dark roots and she was wearing a t-shirt that said "Men are like snow storms: you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they'll last." She was a real class act. Each of the frat boys were wearing their caps backward because they thought it looked cool when really it just looked stupid as fuck. They sucked down a few margaritas and asked for more free chips and salsa too many times, but Louise served them with a smile because she is a real pro. When she set their bill down, the check came to a total of $93.00. She saw that they were having difficulty dividing the bill; some had cash and some had credit cards and all of them were drunk bitches with no recollection of simple math skills or the ability to use the calculator app on their phones. They finally handed her a a pile of cash and one credit card.
"Here's sixty dollars in cash and put the rest on this credit card," the wannabe blond slurred out.
Louise touched on her own nose in the hope that it would signal to the girl that she should wipe the salt off of her face. The girl didn't pick up the hint and Louise went on her way. Moments later, after the group had stumbled out, Louise saw that that the credit card slip had a four dollar tip scrawled onto it. "Four freakin' dollars? Four? Are you kiddin' me? After all those chips, they're gonna give me four feakin' dollars on a $93 bill?? Uh uh." She headed to the sidewalk to find the dumb fucks and ask them if there was some non-existent problem with the service.
On the street, she saw two of the frat boys smoking cigarettes, leaning on each other because they were both a little drunk and the shorter one had always admired the taller one's calf muscles yet he only seemed to notice them when he had been drinking and he thought this was a good time to tell him how attractive his legs looked, no homo.
"Hey!" Louise said. "Four dollars? Are your feakin' kiddin' me? Are you kiddin' me here?"
Shorter Frat Boy quickly pulled away from his friend and thrust his hands into his pockets. "What, we weren't doing anything, I didn't even notice his sinewy calf muscles and I have never been attracted to a man in my entire life, what?" There was an awkward silence. "I mean, what was that you were saying, miss?"
"On a $93 check, you're gonna leave me four bucks? Why? Why?"
Taller Frat Boy, who had moved away from his friend by at least six inches, said, "Our friend was supposed to leave more of a tip on the credit card. She didn't?"
"No, she didn't. She left me four dollars."
"I'm sorry. She's a real cheap skank. I hate her." Taller Frat Boy reached into his pocket and dug around for more cash. He couldn't help but notice that Shorter Frat Boy was eyeing him as he did it. Shorter Frat Boy's line of vision moved from his friend's crotch and then to his eyes, catching him staring back at him. Shorter Frat Boy said abruptly in a lower than usual voice, "Dude, I fuckin' love football, don't you?"
"Look, this is all I have, five more dollars, take it." He handed the money to Louise and ignored his friend who seemed to be adjusting his crotch.
"Great, so now we've made it a 10% tip, thanks so much," she said, the sarcasm dripping in much the same way that Shorter Frat Boy's penis was dripping with pre-cum.
Neither Louise nor the Frat Boys noticed that a few feet away was someone with their flip cam recording the scene because the young videographer felt that it could lead to an altercation that would be fun to send to Facebook later.
"10% is a crappy tip, just so you know. You think it's easy working at Big Brother Bubba's Burrito Bar Buffet and Mexican Style Olde Timey Cantina? Well, it isn't. I depend on tips because in New york State, my wage is $5.oo an hour and all of it goes to taxes, so my check is never more than twenty bucks. Next time you go out to dinner, you best make sure you have enough money to leave a freakin' tip, alright? Or just stay out of my restaurant."
The girl with the camera made sure the sign to Bubba's was in the background.
Taller Frat Boy began to say something but before he could, Louise continued. "Save your breath, save your apologies and save me the misfortune of ever having to wait on you again. Go away and don't come back, alright? Fucking douche bags. You make my balls ache and I don't even have any!!"
At this point, Shorter Frat Boy said, "I know what you mean about balls aching. I feel like mine are-"
Louise interrupted him. "And you need to get laid. I've been watching you stare at your friend all freakin' night. Get a room already, Jesus. Yeah," she said to Taller Frat Boy. "Your friend here has the hots for you. Do yourself a favor and let him go down on ya already. Jeez, it's so freakin' obvious." Louise spun on her heels and went back to work.
Girl With the Camera continued filming and saw Shorter Frat Boy melt into a pool of tears and then turn and run down the street screaming, 'I love women. I love football. I am a heterosexual male!" Taller Frat Boy then threw up for the camera and the girl knew she had something good to put on the Internet.
Ten minutes later, the video was posted on YouTube, Facebook, Google+ and MySpace and had over a 1,000 views. Everyone wanted to see it. By the next day it had over 25,000 views and by the end of the week it had been featured on D-Listed, Perez Hilton and Broke Straight Boys. The two frat boys were infamous and so was Louise. For the next three months, Big Brother Bubba's Burrito Bar Buffet and Mexican Style Olde Timey Cantina was packed with people wanting to sit in Louise's station. Everyone was eager to meet the woman who had made a frat boy cry and they all wanted to leave her big fat tips. It all turned out perfectly. Well, except for the two frat boys. Taller One eventually married the wannabe blond cheap skank bitch and Shorter One joined a pray-the gay-away clinic that was owned by Michele Bachmann's totally not gay husband, Marcus.
But for Louise, it tuned out great.
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