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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Your Astrological Forecast Courtesy of Bitchy Waiter

Hey baby, what's your sign? Astrology is never wrong, out of date, stupid or made up. I spent hours and hours studying the stars and charts in order to provide you with the most up-to-date- astrological forecast possible. I hope you can use this as a guide for your day.

Aries March 21-April 19
: Today is the day you have been waiting for. You may or may not finally achieve what you have been working towards your whole life. Look for a man in a dark coat to guide you to the next step and when you see him, make sure you pass on the secret phrase so he knows that you are the one he has been looking for too. Secret phrase: how would you like your burger cooked?

Taurus April 20-May 20: Grab the bull by the horns, Taurus and just say no to bullshit. With the stars in alignment today, you may find yourself with some extra cash in your pocket. But don't spend it too quickly because the universe may have other ideas. At the end of the day, you might end up printing a sales report and have to take a lot of that cash and give it to a manager who is sitting in his office and doing "paperwork" when really he is in there looking at Internet porn.

Gemini May 21-June 21: With only a few more days left in Gemini, now is the time to make things count. If you have considered a change in direction, go for it. Once the moon moves out of Uranus you'll have a lot more room up there for better and more exciting things.

Cancer June 22-July 22: Your love life is about to change so get ready! After a long drought of loneliness and desperation, a homeless person is going to show up in your life and make you realize that love can be found anywhere. Even in a stinky toothless man who lives under a bridge. (If you are a male Cancer, then you are going to turn gay for this homeless man. It's in the stars.)

Leo July 23-August 22: Leo, your pride will take a beating today when someone is going to ask you to do something you would rather not do. Suck it up though because after all is said and done, you will be the bigger person for following through on it. Just scrape that gum from under the tables and await your karmic reward.

Virgo August 23-September 22: We all know how you are Virgo. You want everything in its place and done your way. Well get over it, because the planets say you need to pull the stick out of your ass and get over yourself.

Libra September 23-October 23: A new job opportunity is on the horizon if you know how to play your cards right. A man in a feathered hat and leopard skin pants will show you to your corner and introduce you to your new job prospects. Take it easy your first day though, Libra. You want to enjoy the start of your new career as a whore.

Scorpio October 24-November 21: The gentle sting of reality will nip at your heels today as you realize that the job you took a few years ago "until something better comes along" is what you will still be doing ten years from now. Take a breather and take a bong hit. It's the only way to satisfy such crushing disappointment.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21: Your likable demeanor will be challenged as people constantly push your buttons. Push back. Hard. If someone rubs you the wrong way today feel free to spit in their food or ruin the metallic strip on the back of their credit card.

Capricorn December 22-January 19: Buy a lottery ticket today. You are not going to win, but you need something to hope for since everything else about your day is kinda crappy.

Aquarius January 20-February 18: A co-worker will reveal some interesting information to you today that can help you in the long run. Keep that info to yourself for a while until you know exactly how to use it to get what you want. Not necessarily blackmail, but kinda sorta.

Pisces February 19-March 20: An old friend will reappear in your life today. It's someone who was there for some of the most important moments of your life. This old friend will not recognize you and walk right past you. Don't be too sad though. This old friend never really liked you that much anyway. They thought you were a bit of a whiner.

If September 29th is your birthday: Happy birthday, Libra! Go to a restaurant today and be sure to tell your server that today is your birthday. He really wants to know because he so totally gives a shit. He can't wait to gather all his co-workers together so they can sing "Happy Birthday" to a perfect freakin' stranger. And make sure you ask him what you get for free! You know, since you were born and everything, it's a really amazing feat.

(The truth is, this is from about a year ago. I got a new job and have been crazy ass busy. It's amazing that I have not put up a repeat already. I have completed 24 out of 120 hours of training. Exhausting. It is not a restaurant job, so Anonymous might be all excited for my "real job" ass.)

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Darkheart said...

haha, oh you crack me up!
I'm a Taurus and I've got to say, I've never read an astrological forecast quite like yours =P

BeccaDee said...

I really want to know what your new job is! Good for you :)

Anonymous said...

Very funny. I'm a sag but today Taurus fits me better. :)

alwaysarealperson said...

Spot on in respect to the Virgos I know

Joe Sixtop said...

Dude, I missed this one when it first appeared and it's freaking hilarious. And mine actually came true.

Adam said...

I'm interpretting my horoscope to mean that I should pull my head out of my ass.

I might be wrong though... ...we have the same one, so you should tell me what it means for all of us :)

Some Sort of Fairy said...

I'm really enjoying the whoredom, thanks!

Frank the Angry Lobster said...

The September 29th is my birthday =(