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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Don't Touch My Tray

Dear Customer,

It's sweet that you want to help me by taking your own beer off of my tray as I am standing at your table, but don't fucking do it, alright? It does not help me. Here's the deal: I have been waiting tables for a really long time; like since the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Therefore, I have 235 years of experience and I have an amazing ability to balance trays. If you Lucy Goosey take a glass off my tray without letting me adjust where my hand is positioned underneath it, that balance is going to be off and the tray will come crashing down and I will be one pissed off bitch. Don't do that. It's my job so let me do it. Do I show up at your office and try to staple some papers together for you? Or do I try to bag my own groceries? Or pump my own gas? No, I don't because that is your job and I know you are just about the best darn gas pumper this side of the Mississippi.


Also, dear customer, when I am reaching across a table with a martini glass filled to the rim with the sweet luscious nectar called vodka, let me put the goddamn glass down before you try to grab it. I know your greedy alcoholic ass can hardly wait to put your lips on the glass and suck down some love, but gimme a goddamn minute to set it on the table, will ya? If you grab at it, there is a good chance that it will spill and if I waste vodka it will send me into a deep deep (so deep) depression. I will spiral out of control thinking about how many thirsty children there are in famine-ravaged Africa who could have shared that cocktail and here you are wasting it it by grabbing at it and making it spill all over the fucking table. And I have to clean it up too. So it's a double lose. In closing, keep your hands to your self. Don't touch my tray, don't touch shit on my tray and do not touch my ass (unless you can back up that grab with a 30% tip, in which case, feel free.) Please keep these things in mind when you see my approach with my tray, okay? Thank you.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter



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17 comments:

Daphne said...

I've found that if you look as though you're about lose control of the tray when you're taking the glasses (or plates) off, they tend to shy away and keep out of the "danger zone".

dirtydisher said...

I know, right? Or when you have full hot plates up each arm and they hand you an empty glass. Really? What do you want me to grab that with? My tits? Sit still, you moron.

Practical Parsimony said...

For repeat offenders in grabbing their own drink, I often would drop the whole tray on the person. I made sure I had picked up a few sweet, sugary drinks and poured them together on the way back to the bar and filled one glass with leftover beer. It was no trouble at all to drop it on the chest of some jerk who could not take a hint, who thought my super-human efforts to keep the tray balanced were amusing. Everyone at the table was on my side and blamed him for the spill and the sugar on his clothing, from neck to crotch. I had a really good aim and control of the tray and a spill.

S'A said...

Yes, they try to bag their own groceries.

Dale said...

@S'A: I've never seen someone bag their own groceries, short of self check and those annoying people who re-bag everything and take two hours to pay. Heck, I can't even get half of them to take their groceries before they pay. Oh for the days when they hired that kid who used to eat paste to load the carts for you...

Some Sort of Fairy said...

I always had that problem putting hot tea on the barista counter. People thought they were doing me a favor, but I'd already carried it all the way from the hot water thing, so why in the hell would I need them to carry the burden of lowering the cup 2 inches? And then they'd get mad at ME when they grabbed it clumsily and scalded their hand with the hot water.

Spritzy said...

There aren't many gas stations here in the midwest that will pump the gas for the customer. Most places are self serve. But I d know that it's rather common, and sometimes even required by law, to have an employee pump the gas. Also, a lot of grocery stores around here are set up to bag one's own groceries. I guess it's too expensive to hire a couple teenagers to dot he bagging for people. At least thenthe customer has no one to blame bu themselves if they smush their bread or drop the eggs.

Cat M. said...

If there isn't a bagger by the time I run my card at the store, I will start bagging my groceries.

Cassandra said...

On the topic of letting servers do their own job I have a question...
I have a habit of(neatly)stacking the dirty dishes at the end of the meal - is this something that likely drives the server insane?

Anonymous said...

Come to the South. We have Publix grocery stores, where, not only are they insanely pleasant and helpful, but after they bag your groceries, they offer to help you to your car. I've had to argue with them that I didn't need help.

kayla.rose said...

The best part of working in a cocktail bar (and yes, there are many, many benefits including drinking capiroskas and martinis when bored -- with the boss) is that I get to tell anyone off that grabs from or puts on my tray. As in "Don't ever touch a waitress or their tray. Next time you'll lose your fingers." I do enjoy being the token bitch of the bar :D

Gabriele Agustini said...

Love this post... as always!!
Too, too funny!! :)

Days Like These by Tanyetta said...

Funny!!!! I have a question. What amount of tip do you expect after every service?

sally said...

I like to bag my own groceries. I like to put all the frozen food together, fridge together, cupboard food, etc, each type in it's own bag, so it's easier to unpack when I get it home.

Plus, most of the baggers at the stores I frequent are greasy teenagers who could give a shit about anything. I don't want their pimply asses touching my food.

CasinoGal said...

To the person asking if it drives us insane when customers stack the plates at the end of the tale. Very much appreciated, however, sometimes people who haven't served don't know the "proper stacking techniques".

Sometimes it is very helpful and sometimes it just isn't at all. lol

jnana said...

Oh no haha, I always do that (taking a cup off the tray) and I thought I'm being helpful!

LadyRapunzel said...

I don't know about grabbing your ass, but I would totally play with your hair. Would the 30% tip cover that as well?