Sunday, September 4, 2011
Asshole in Times Square
In my never-ending attempt to gain fame, fortune and a new pair of shoes that don't come from Payless, I have come across a new contest that could help satisfy my craving for attention. About Me is a new website that lets us do more of the same shit we all do on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, You Tube, Tumblr, Flickr, Vimeo, Wordpress, Blogger and Friendster: promote ourselves. However, About Me is having a contest to choose someone to be on a billboard in Times Square and of course I want to win it.
Believe it or not (I'm walking on air) it would not be the first time I have been on a billboard in Times Square. I speak the truth. About four years ago, I came across an add on Craigslist that was looking for people who were willing to have their butts photographed for an ad campaign for a new toilet. I submitted for it and was called in to do a test shoot for a hundred bucks. I thought it would be totally weird and creepy but it ended up being just a little bit weird and creepy. At the studio were two women and two men who were going to shoot my ass. They gave me a robe and pointed to a little room where I was to go change. Once undressed, I was escorted to the camera area. They had arranged it so that there was cardboard surrounding every thing except where my butt would be seen and they told me whenever I was ready, I could disrobe. "Am I really doing this? Is this crazy? Is this going to end up on a website for people obsessed with average asses?" I dropped the robe and mentally prepared. The photographer gave me two pieces of direction; bring your legs a little closer together and don't clench. "Great," I thought. "That was his way of saying I can see your balls and you look like you're holding in a fart." I did as I was told and three minutes later we were done. I looked at the shots and I was pleasantly surprised that my ass looked kinda nice. I'd never seen a picture of it. They paid me with five crisp twenty dollar bills and told me they would let me know if they would be using the image.
Three weeks later, the call came that I never expected to get. They picked my butt. I would be paid an additional $500 and my ass, along with a few other average assholes, would be on a website for Toto Washlet and also a print campaign. See the picture above? Yep, I am number three, five and six. The print campaign tuned out to be a Times Square billboard. Yes, my ass was in Times Square but not without controversy. The billboard was directly over a church who believed it was inappropriate. They took the matter to court to have it removed and it ended up in the news a lot. My butt was famous. Eventually, a big black bar was painted over the asses in the ad, but there is still evidence of what it looked like before the censorship. Click here to see the ad in Times Square. That's mine on the corner with the blue background. Famous, my ass.
But now I want to be on a Times Square Billboard again but not naked. If you click here, you can then vote for my profile to move me into the twenty finalists. Is it ridiculous and self-serving and altogether silly? Yes. Yes, it is. And I thank you for understanding. It's simple. One click, no registration. Click here and vote. Thanks.
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