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Thursday, September 8, 2011

Get a Room, Love Birds

Lovers are very special people. They're the luckiest people in the world. Love is a beautiful, wonderful, splendid thing, we all know that. If you are lucky enough to have found it, then please accept my sincere and heartfelt congratulations from the very bottom of my heart. However, I don't want to see you tonsil diving with your lady lover while I am trying to take your order for calamari.

Two true romancers sat in my station last week and they couldn't keep their hands off of each other. It was obvious they were on a date in the beginnings of their relationship. At first I thought maybe it was first date because of the small talk I picked up while polishing silver next to their table. "So where did you grow up?" and "What do you do?" tells me they were trying to get to know each other. If it was a first date, then they must have met on pickaslut.com because she was all over him. After I cleared their plates, they put their elbows on the table and stared at each other. He looked into her eyes like they were pools of Nutella and he couldn't wait to stick his banana in them. I watched as she put both of her hands on his face and rub it back and forth. I wondered if she knew that is not how you make a guy orgasm. Then he put his hands under the table and rested them on her knees. That old trick? Please. He did it like it was just a casual place to put his hands and they just happened to be a few inches from her Lady Bug. He knew he was in like Flynn when she put her hands on top of his and moved them closer to the Golden Ticket. Everyone in my station muttered a big "get a fucking room" as she laughed at one of his jokes and tossed her hair back. It's like they both took Flirting 101 at the Learning Annex and this was their final exam. Just go down on each other already.

I wasn't surprised they didn't want any dessert because everyone in that restaurant knew what was for dessert and it wasn't going to be a Vanilla Beam Creme Brulee, that's for sure. I printed out their check and the total was $68.59, which when rounded up is a the number of love. How appropriate for this couple who were sexually assaulting each other in public. They threw money down and left in a flash, presumably to one of their apartments, the La Quinta down the street, or the bed bug infested mattress that was wrapped in plastic and discarded across the street. I have a feeling they were not choosy. Or picky. What is the word I am looking for to describe these two...horny, that's it.

I carefully approached their table to clear it, making sure there were no errant bodily fluids that may have prematurely made an appearance. Everything seemed fine. About fifteen minutes later, the restaurant shook when a loud boom of thunder and lightening shot across the sky. Or a least, we assumed it was thunder and lightening. It's possible that our lovebirds finally made the ultimate connection that they had started at the most romantic place on earth: table 11.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

11 is my lucky number...

Elizabeth S. said...

I'm not a very romantic person, especially out in public, and I don't like to see PDA from others, either. It is always the WORST to have to interrupt a couple's make out session to hand them their food or whatever. And I work with a bunch of cynical people, so we always enjoy making fun of them during their visit and after they leave :)

itswhatiam said...

But how was the tip?

bistis6 said...

The guy's tip? Purple, I'd say.

Mary A. said...

Did she play with the straw in her mouth like she was gonna play with him later? That's a good one. The trick is to do it like you don't mean to do it, you just happen to like sucking. And then if you discreetly wipe your mouth with the back of your hand and then bite your lip in anticipation. . .drives men wild. That's why some women think men are stupid. Because they get hot over stoopid stuff like that.

California Girl said...

gross and funny

Practical Parsimony said...

Golden ticket? Is this a term you so aptly coined? Or, am I just out of the loop on euphemisms? DID they tip well? Hilarious description.

Mary A,
I will never get over being surprised at what turns men on.

Gallo said...

Definetly online hook...

sheesh, get a room people

Anonymous said...

haha my sentiments exactly! GET A ROOM no one is that happy for you they want to feel likg they are the 3rd person in the relationship lol!

You should check out www.office-answers.blogspot.com kind of the same issues in an office environment, they haven't posted in a while but when they do it's great! lol!