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Sunday, September 18, 2011

Stinky Lady Alert

I am on my way to a wedding today where I will witness two women joined in holy matrimony. The theme is a 1950's vintage Iowa farm wedding; leave it to the lesbians to come up with that one. I expect it to be fun and I am very happy for my friends, especially since their marriage will actually be legal now. I look forward to seeing their love bloom but even more than that I am looking forward to the bar. Since I am going to the Catskills for the wedding (again, leave it to the lesbians...), I have no time to write today, so I offer this post about a funky smellin' regular. Enjoy your day and congrats to Randie and Kim!


In keeping with my pledge to refer to certain customers as characters from 1970's and 1980's television shows, I would like to discuss one "Mary Ann" who comes in on a regular basis. I refer to her as Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island, not because she is cute and perky and from Kansas and has a subtle beauty that makes men want her more than that whore of movie Star, Ginger Grant. I call her Mary Ann because she smells like what I imagine Mary Ann to smell like after three years on an island without a shower or soap. Or maybe she smells like one of her coconut cream pies that have sat in the sun for too long and it went bad so she tried to make it smell better by farting on it and that didn't work so she threw some monkey poop on it and that didn't work so she just gave up and went to my station and sat at table three.

I don't know why this woman smells so bad. The first time I got a whiff of her, I wasn't sure what the smell was. Perhaps some errant rat that had eaten poison and died under a booth or a homeless man who had taken a nap in the lighting booth. After several passes of the table, I narrowed down the odor to this regular. It's like a mixture of body odor, skunk and frustration. When I leaned over to ask her what she would like for her second drink, I was punched in the face by her breath. You know what a piece of dental floss smells like after a good tough round of flossing out roast beef and broccoli? That dental floss smells like a a Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds compared to the stench that comes out of her mouth. I swear to God, it smells so bad that flies even avoid it. Imagine a fly sitting on a pile of dog shit on 6th Avenue:

Boy this dog poo sure does smell bad, but I don't mind. I'm a fly. I love poo, garbage and germs. The stinkier the better, bring it on. I'm a fly, ain't nuthin' gonna breaka my stride, nobody gonna slow me down, oh no, I got to keep on movin'... (the fly flies away and gets into the airstream of Mary Ann's breath) Oh, my God, what the hell is that stench? This is awful, I can't take it. (The fly pulls out a tiny revolver from his tiny coat pocket and blows his tiny brains out.)

When I see Mary Ann come in, I immediately start sending out vibes that she sits anywhere except my station. Since there are only two of us at work, I have a 50/50 chance of breathing in her funk. When she sits elsewhere, it's like winning the lottery. Except I don't win a million dollars, I just win the right to breathe. And in my book, that's worth a good chunk of coconut cream pie.

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Anonymous said...

Yeah. but how does she tip?

Practical Parsimony said...

I feel gaggy after reading that! Poor dental hygiene comes to mind.

Lolamouse said...

and when will I be receiving my invitation to the BW's nuptials???

Noelle said...

I'm from Iowa I don't understand that theme. Are you wearing a skinny suite and skinny tie?

Katie K. said...

I have been waitressing and bartending since I was 15. This sad pathetic person really has no idea how much hassle and stress people of this industry deal with. And we do it with a smile all night long. I would love to go see her at her lonely cubicle and all of the shit she deals with on a daily basis and see her do it not complaining with a smile. This cunt should try working one night in the industry and tell us how much we contribute to society; probably a hell of a lot more than her.

Anonymous said...

Aaah, smelly guests. At the restaurant I work at, we have a few of those, but unfortunately two very...VERY smelly ones show up to eat there almost every damn day of the week.

We refer to the father/son duo as "Itchy" and "Scratchy", due to their constant clawing at their greasy, flakey skin, and the constant scratching of their dandruff-ridden oily hair. I'd like to think it was a medical condition, but one look out into the parking lot to their car and it's tribute to hoarders everywhere, and you can see these two are just plain lazy, filthy slobs.

Also, the older man consistently pees himself in the restaurant, and his son does -nothing-. NOT even think to pack a pair of spare pants if you KNOW your poor father is incontinent.

Anonymous said...

I have had a few stinky customers at work. Usually its not to bad. But we have this one guy,WOW! Everyone refuses to take his order so the manager has to. I find it funny. My manager is so used to taking the guys order,that he has never even bothers asking anyone elts to.

Cheryl said...

I am from and still live in Iowa. I would like to believe that the couple getting married is (a) from Iowa or (b) the themed wedding is somehow a tip of the hat to our being one of the few states to recognize same sex marriage. I'm sure I'm way off base and my lovely state is just being made fun of - again. Sigh.

LS said...

This woman I worked with was normally well-groomed and dressed. But one day she came in wearing sweats. Standing next to her at the composing bank I got a whiff of something resembling roadkill. Not just body odor, but death. Worst thing I've smelled yet.

I wonder if it was a "that-time-of-the-month" thing?