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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Story of the Sad Man at Table 16

On my first day back to waiting tables after three weeks of no apron, I was welcomed back to work by one of my regulars. It was a family of four; mom, dad and two horribly misbehaving children who are holy terrors of evil. Seriously, they were my first table. What a way to start my foray back into the land of serving. When they come into the restaurant, it's like a hurricane made love to a tornado and then birthed an earthquake that came popping out of a volcano followed by a mudslide placenta. It's a disaster. As they scan the restaurant for a table, any customers sitting next to empty ones cower in fear that they will be the ones forced to finish their meal next to the band of brats. The family chose a booth. In my station. And so it began.

As soon as they sat down, mom and dad grabbed all the electric candles from surrounding tables so the kids had something to play with. I've discussed it before, but I think it's really poor parental judgement to let children play with electric candles. Their immature and mushy brains may not recognize the difference the next time they go to a restaurant that has real candles with flames. It is a recipe for disaster if you ask me, but nobody asked me and I am certainly not one to give unsolicited advice. But I'm right, right? How is a three year old supposed to know that some candles are for playing with and some candles aren't? Anyhoo, the kids were throwing the candles around, banging their cups on the table, screaming like howler monkeys in heat trying to cough up hairballs, dropping crap on the floor, and in general being a public nuisance and a big fat pain in my little ass. And then I caught a look of the father's eyes. They were glazed over with saddness. His second cup of coffee had done nothing to make him more alert and the situation seemed to be a desperate one for him. For me, this was going to last thirty minutes tops, but Dad was looking at the next 18 years of his life and it was depressing the hell out of him. I took a class in mind reading at the Learning Annex a few years ago. Madame Buluga taught me a few things so I delved into his thoughts and this is what I read:

Damn, this night sucks. I wonder if anyone would notice if I said I was going to the bathroom and instead just got on the 7 train to Grand Central and hopped a train and never came back. I have about $1200 worth of credit on my Master Card and I could get as far away as possible. Maybe change my name and get a haircut and grow a beard so no one will recognize me. I could get a nice simple job as a stocker on the overnight shift at a Wal-Mart in Topeka and live happily ever after. These kids are crazy. Why don't they behave? Oh, wait I know why; because all I do is ignore them and they have no concept of how to behave in public, that's why. And look at my wife. She looks just as pissed off as I am. Maybe she'd like to come with me to Topeka? Naah, then who'd take care of the kids? I'll leave her too, whatever. God dammit, why didn't I wear a condom three years ago? I had them. I was just too caught up in the moment to get it from the night stand. She was even telling me to put one on and I was all, "It's okay girl, I love you. Let's make a baby together." Famous last words, that's for sure. And then again two years later. She was telling me to put a goddamn rubber on and I was all, 'It's okay, baby. I love you so much. Let's give Jr. a little brother or sister. Lemme just do that for you. I wanna make another baby, baby." God, what a load of shit. If I don't get on the 7 train tonight and escape this hell, I will go get a fucking vasectomy right after we leave this restaurant. I will pay the check and go over to Snips R Us and get that shit taken care of. No more kids. And even then, I will never not wear a condom again. Ever. These kids are awful. "Hate" is a really strong word but "despise" might work. I despise my kids. Hey look at our waiter. Didn't I see him on Dr. Phil? Look at how friendly he is to his tables and so professional. His hair is amazing too. I wish I was him, not a care in the world I bet. His life is perfect. Mine sucks. You know who is hot? That chick from The View, what's her name? The red head? Joy Behar, I think. She's hot. Man, I'd love to show up at her place with some Fig Newtons and-

I lost the train of thought when he was hit on the side of his head by a coloring book that his daughter threw at him but it was just as well because I really didn't want to see where he was going with that Joy Behar thought. I gave them the check and they rounded up the kids and headed home. Hopefully he followed through on his plan to get his old boys dried out. It would be a service to himself, his wife, the restaurant industry and the world if he could assure us that he will bring no more screeching howler monkeys into existence. They come to the restaurant once a week and I'm almost willing to chip in for it. I really don't like them. They give me a headache, which is what the wife should say the next time he wants to make a baby with her.



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15 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have three kids and that would annoy the crap out of me. Kids have to be taught how to behave in public, not ignored to annoy everyone else. i

The Belligerent Barista said...

One of my favorite things about my job is when a child comes in & is being completely obnoxious & the parents just laugh & laugh & laugh, followed by a look towards me as if they expect me to affirm the cuteness. However, I just look at them with complete disdain. God, I hate kids sometimes.

Anonymous said...

Aside from confusing a real candle with an electric one at some point, the other reason kids shouldn't play with those is they are not toys, and they are not theirs. Salt/pepper shakers and sugar caddies also fall into this category. parents, if your kids are so young they have to be entertained by trinkets and baubles, bring your own. No one wants to use the salt shaker after Junior sticks it up his nose, and I can't for the life of me figure out how/when giving baby a handful of sugar packets to suck on ( and then PUT BACK IN THE CADDY!!! ) became acceptable.

~Serenity

California Girl said...

I hate kids too and I have two...but they are now grown. I hated them as teenagers, never as little kids. They were truly awesome then.

I know what you're thinking but, yes they were awesome little kids...

just awful teenagers.

Anonymous said...

One day soon I will want a cookie so that I can be happy for a few moments. Fig Newtons will only remind me of the sad man so they won't make the list of choices.


Now I feel sad for Fig Newtons.

SlumSlut said...

LOL, you've been reading Bratfree a lot haven't you. That duh's thoughts read just like a post from our threads.

Practical Parsimony said...

Danger or not, toys or not, why would anyone use the decor to give to a child for a toy. Those kids will be the teens who will have no respect anywhere. They will be adults who do not know how to rear a child to be as asset to the world instead of a detriment. If I were a server, I would nicely go and retrive their playthings/candles, and say that they have to stay on the tables. If one appears broken, I would put it on the bill.

When kids are naughty, stupid, or just all giggly-full of themselves, disrupting others and look to me for a smile, I shot daggers at them and hope the parents notice.

Anonymous said...

Dude! That's rough. I find that parents these days do not know how to parent their children. Discipline went out the window long time ago. When I was a waitress I watched mothers asking their 2 and 3 year olds where they want to sit and what they want to eat. The kid would take 10 minutes to respond, I had to wait for them and all that in the middle of rush hour when we were slamming! Never mind the kids, it's the parents who are clueless.

Anonymous said...

I don't know, I think you were a little unfair to innocent howler monkeys in that comparison

Nightgaunt said...

Blech... man all I can think about now is this time my friends and I ended up stopping at an IHOP, and at the table across from us was a family with some little kids. We watched in horror as the five year old boy -stuck the end of the ketchup in his mouth and started consuming it straight from the bottle-.

His father ignored him, his mother let him do it for several minutes, then took it away and put it back on the table. She made no effort to wipe it off, let alone tell anyone.

...*BRR*

Sausages said...

@Nightgaunt - I think I just threw up a little bit...

Anonymous said...

His second cup of coffee had done nothing to make him more alert

Prolly 'cause his waiter serves decaf ;)

alex

Reds said...

This is exactly why I started bartending and only serve in the bar now. Dining room = terrors.

Also, can you not take the candles back? They belong on the other tables and they're not toys. Then again, that might be more headache than it's worse. I can't imagine the screeching that would ensue.

Anonymous said...

I don't hate kids, but I DO hate the parents who have not done their JOB. It infuriates me. It makes me want to call CPS. Don't they realize that by not training their children that said children will have to learn everything the hard way???

Cat M said...

OMG! You are so funny!It's like I was there with you. I even lit real candles in order to hand them to the band of brats - then I realized I was home.