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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

It's Valentime's/Florence Henderson Day

Time to pull out the heart shaped box of candy you bought at the Walgreen's last night and give it to your best ho, because it's Valentine's day. Or in the words of my boss, "Valentime's Day." Cupid is all up in your business today and making sure you are either happily wrapped up in a relationship or feeling like a complete and total loser for not having some one to buy a card for. On Valentine's Day, there is no in between. It's a tough holiday, especially for those of us who have to work in a restaurant. You go in on your usual Tuesday night and it's slow and steady and no big deal but let that Tuesday fall on February 14th and you're gonna be swamped with couples who are trying to make that Awesome Blossom they are splitting the most romantic thing in the world. Everyone feels the need to spend a little extra on dessert and champagne but many times that does not translate to a bigger tip. Valentine's day for waiters is not fun; more work, more customers, a prix fixe menu that we have to figure out and in certain restaurants the used condoms on the bathroom floor are never fun to step over. (I'm looking at you T.G.I. Friday's in Times Square.)

I used to do singing telegrams and Valentine's Day was the busiest day of the year. Why the hell anyone wanted to pay me to put on a tired ass California Raisin costume and sing "Heard it Through the Grapevine," I'll never know. One year, all I did was the "Classy Telegram" all day. That involved a white tuxedo, a single red rose and a heart-shaped balloon. Sitting on the F train trying to figure out how to get to the Bronx to sing "The Way You Look Tonight" is enough to make one hate this day forever. Or how about when you are in elementary school and you have that traumatic experience when the basket next to your desk has only one card in it and it's from your teacher? Horrible. In high school there was always a fundraiser on Valentine's day. Some club would be selling red carnations for a dollar apiece and then throughout the day they would be delivered to classrooms. Of course it was all about popularity. My ass would have about two droopy ass flowers, one of which I bought for myself, and then Guy freakin' Hoffman would have two or three dozen. Valentine's day can suck it.

This is why I prefer to think of this day as Florence Henderson Day. Today is her birthday so on February 14th, cupid is not the only one who is wandering around half naked with a bow and arrow and a glass of Chardonnay. (I have it on good authority that this is Florence's favorite way to celebrate her birthday.) So tonight when you raise your glass of Boone's Berry Farm, please do so in honor of the lovely lady herself, Florence Henderson. But if you insist on only thinking of this day as Valentine's day, then at least call it Valentime's day. I kinda hate when people call it that, but if you aren't going to call it Florence Henderson Day, I guess Valentime's is better than nothing.




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14 comments:

Sulky Kitten said...

If that was the Classy Telegram, what the hell must the Trashy Telegram have consisted of? I'd pay good money if it was gonna be you though!

JoeinVegas said...

Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

California Girl said...

Was that Rachel Dratch? I had to watch it twice to figure out if it was Florence.

Happy V Day Bitchy.

Workingdan said...

Valentines day is for the weak...those who thrive on attention...the soon-to-be bridezillas!

I love my wife every day, why should today be any different?

Taryn said...

Thanks for the laugh!

Maria said...

The mental picture of you sitting on a train in a tuxedo and holding a heart-shaped balloon (once I finished laughing) made me feel better about some of the crappy jobs I've had, so thanks for that.

"Professor" M. said...

In honor of Florence Henderson Day, I polished off a bottle of Chateau St. Michelle and wrote an explicit blog about what I WISH this day had brought. Thanks for bringing my pseudo celebration to a an acceptable level. Wishing you better tips tomorrow!

Practical Parsimony said...

I want to pull my hair out when someone says Happy Valentimes Day or nanner or sketti. Yes, I am sitting her alone tonight, all bitter....lol...not bitter at all. You just thrust a pet peeve in my face.

Claire said...

Thanks for a laugh! I had droopy roses in school, too. :)

NellieVaughn said...

I have always broken up with boyfriends the day before Valentime's Day because I am cheap. I will do most anything to save $5.99.

The Artist Formerly Known As Bagel Fairy said...

Love the picture revealing Mike Brady's inner thoughts. I also hate it when people say "Valentime's." A previous boyfriend said it that way, and we had to celebrate one together; it was so hard to keep quiet.

Mary A. said...

Did you see the time Florence was on SNL and kept talking about Poop Shoots and Hershey Highways? Classic.

Wesson Oil. Wish I had some on Balentimes day

Margaret said...

I LOVE Valentine's Day! Now that I know I share a birthday with Florence Henderson, it's even nicer!

Keep up the wonderful writing.

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