I used to do singing telegrams and Valentine's Day was the busiest day of the year. Why the hell anyone wanted to pay me to put on a tired ass California Raisin costume and sing "Heard it Through the Grapevine," I'll never know. One year, all I did was the "Classy Telegram" all day. That involved a white tuxedo, a single red rose and a heart-shaped balloon. Sitting on the F train trying to figure out how to get to the Bronx to sing "The Way You Look Tonight" is enough to make one hate this day forever. Or how about when you are in elementary school and you have that traumatic experience when the basket next to your desk has only one card in it and it's from your teacher? Horrible. In high school there was always a fundraiser on Valentine's day. Some club would be selling red carnations for a dollar apiece and then throughout the day they would be delivered to classrooms. Of course it was all about popularity. My ass would have about two droopy ass flowers, one of which I bought for myself, and then Guy freakin' Hoffman would have two or three dozen. Valentine's day can suck it.
This is why I prefer to think of this day as Florence Henderson Day. Today is her birthday so on February 14th, cupid is not the only one who is wandering around half naked with a bow and arrow and a glass of Chardonnay. (I have it on good authority that this is Florence's favorite way to celebrate her birthday.) So tonight when you raise your glass of Boone's Berry Farm, please do so in honor of the lovely lady herself, Florence Henderson. But if you insist on only thinking of this day as Valentine's day, then at least call it Valentime's day. I kinda hate when people call it that, but if you aren't going to call it Florence Henderson Day, I guess Valentime's is better than nothing.
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