Thursday, February 10, 2011

I Wish I Was on vacation

This is a re-post. I am sick. Like I have the fever and the vomiting and all that lovely crap. So I dragged myself from the couch and took a break from eating Saltines and drinking Sprite to copy and paste this old blog. That's how much you mean to me, readers. Okay, back to bed...

This lady came in the other day and she's always a little bit of a pain in the ass. Just because she's a semi-regular, she thinks that she deserves special treatment. You know the type. As soon as she sat down she said she wanted something special to make her feel like she was on a tropical vacation. I hate when people say stupid shit like that. I wanted to suggest that she put on an ugly one piece bathing suit with a ruffle and then get a sunburn while listening to Tom Jones on her Walkman because I figured that's what she usually did when on a tropical vacation. Instead, I simply asked her what she would like to drink. She thought long and hard about this oh so complicated question. Suddenly her eyes lit up as she realized what drink would satisfy this tropical craving she was trying to fill. I couldn't wait for her to ask for a Pina Colada or Banana Daiquiri so I could tell her we don't have a blender. And then she asked for something that is so completely incongruous with tropical that I thought she was kidding. "Can I have a Frangelico and coffee?" She said it all whispery and shit with this snarky grin like it was so so daring of her to order this wild and crazy drink. What the fuck kind of tropical vacation does this bitch go on that she sits on a beach and drinks coffee? Is it a beach in Antarctica? Is she retarded? Then she altered her order a bit and requested iced coffee which made it a teeny bit more understandable. "And can you put some whipped cream on it so it really seems fancy?" Yeah, lady. Every drink I have ever had while on the beach had whipped cream on it and it made me think it was fancy, will do. I put about six inches worth of whipped cream on her drink because I knew it would make her wet her panties when she saw it. If I would have had one of those little paper umbrellas I would have stuck that in it too, but no such luck. Instead, I did one of those tricks you do with the paper of a straw to make it look like it was a flower. She squealed with pleasure when she saw it. This lady really needs a life. Or a vacation. But she loved me. Bitch loves her some Bitchy Waiter.

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Awe! Feel better Boo!
I had it and it sucks. Instant weight loss though! At least until they put you on steroids and you gain it all back and then some! Nothing like being sick as a dog while starving for anything not bolted down at the same time! UGH!


Gabriele Agustini said...

Ohhh! Sorry you're feeling so crappy!!
Feel better soon!!
I hadn't read that post yet, and I really enjoyed it -
as always!!
Sending hugs -

Stephanie said...

LOL! Did you at least get a decent tip???

Feel better asap!! My husband and son were just sick...knock on wood...I am still healthy.

Wendy said...

And *I* love me some Bitchy Waiter too!
Hope you're feeling superior again real soon. Like TODAY! Like NOW!!

Much love.

Mary A. said...

awwww -- you made her Frangeilco Xtra special. Too abad you didn't have one of those straws with the little platic penises like you get at bachelorette parties. THAT would have been special.

Feel better soon

Kara Hoag said...

I remember this one. Still funny though. Feel better.

visions unto myself

Noelle said...

Get well soon. Chicken soup maybe? Jello though who wants to wait for it to set up.

Glad we only have cyber contact today. :)

Travelin' Mike said...

Being sick sucks! Hope you get to feeling better very soon!

Loved the post!

Eden said...

Awwwww. Poor Bitchy.

If you want to feel Special and Fancy too - you might try Ginger Ale instead of Sprite. The Canada Dry with Green Tea is my cure-all.

Feel Better soon!

Jez said...

i'm sick too TT_TT anyways, have you read up on this news ? it's about a month old but it makes me angry. it reminds me of customers who get angry when a restaurant runs out of something (which you've already written about) and acts like it's the end of the world. while this story is not exactly about running out of a certain ingredient, it's just as stupid b/c a customer gets riled up for not being able to have BACON on his burger at a HALAL FRIENDLY restaurant. and then the fools behind the camera think it's okay to record this man's rage while they're the morons. lmk what you think!