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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Bitch is Back

After reading several posts from many months ago, something seems ominously clear to me. As horrible as it is to admit, I seem to have gotten a little soft as of late. The cockles of my heart have warmed up a bit and recent posts seem more observational than straight up (now tell me do you really wanna love me forever) bitchy. Today, that shall change.

A few days ago I had woman in my station who had a skull as thick as the layer of dust on the knick knack shelf at The Bennigan's I used to work at. For anyone who has ever worked in a Bennigan's, you know what I'm talking about; those stupid ass shelves full of useless clutter that are supposed to give ambiance to the place. Be it an old wagon, an antique hand mixer or a street sign, that shit is covered in dust because who the fuck wants to climb their ass up on the back of the booth just to wipe that shit off? Anyhoo, this lady in my station was thick-skulled and by that I mean as dumb as a fucking bag of old tired weaves from Wendy Williams. (How you doin', Wendy? I know you have a Google alert on yourself.) This was my interaction with the lady at table 22:

Bitchy Waiter: Hello, can I get you something to drink tonight, ma'am?
Dumb Bitch: Yes. What do you have that's non-alcoholic?
BW: Well, we have Coke, Diet Coke, 7-Up, Gingerale, seltzer, coffee, tea, cranberry juice, orange juice, pineapple juice, tomato juice and bottled water.
DB: Do you have lemonade?

Okay, bitch, I just got through telling you what the fuck we had. Why the hell would I not say lemonade if we have fucking lemonade? She just got on my last nerve.

BW: No, we don't have lemonade.
DB: Oh, you don't?
BW: No. We don't.
DB: I really wanted lemonade.

The lady is now not only on my nerve, but she is now riding it around like it's a pony and she won't get off.

DB: Do you have diet Sprite?
BW: We have Diet Coke.
DB: Is that the only thing you have that's diet?
BW: Well, I suppose bottled water would be considered diet since it is calorie free.
DB: I really wanted a Diet Sprite.
BW: Well, we have Coke, Diet Coke, 7-Up, Gingerale, seltzer, coffee, tea, cranberry juice, orange juice, pineapple juice, tomato juice and bottled water.
DB: Hmmmmm....

At this point, she has jumped off my nerve and is now squeezing the last bit of life out of it. I drifted off for a second as I wondered what it would feel like to get the matches from my apron and burn off her eyebrows. I decided that it would feel good to me and bad to her so I let that idea fade away.

DB: So, no Diet Sprite, huh? And no lemonade. Uh, okay. I guess I'll just take a decaf coffee with cream.
BW: The cream is not diet, you know.

I laughed at my own joke to cover up the frustration in my voice. She laughed back while I visualized taking the candle and pouring the hot wax onto her nipples. Not in a "sexy" way. In more of a "I hate you" way.

BW: Here's your decaf, ma'am.
DB: Thank you. For my second drink, I'll have a Diet Coke.

Is it wrong of me that I wanted to slap this lady in the face with a cheese grater? Is it her fault that she wanted something I could not provide? Did this post harken back to a time when The Bitchy Waiter was a truly a bitchy waiter?

And on a side note:
There may be fewer posts for a while since I am focusing on my book. Thanks for your understanding. Or I may decide writing a book is too hard and just keep doing this. Who the hell knows. I have no fucking direction in my life...


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ChiTown Girl said...

I'm am considerably older than you are, and I've noticed that the older I get, the less my filter works. I probably would have actually SAID all those things you were thinking. ("Did I fuckin' SAY lemonade, you dumb bitch?! NO, we don't have lemonade, otherwise I would have said 'lemonade'!" You get the idea.)

Holy crapoly, if you actually write a book, I will be first in line to buy it!!

dys·func·tion said...

I hate when people follow up a 'no' with: 'Oh, but I really wanted ______'


Well that's a shame... try elsewhere?

Tony Van Helsing said...

'I really wanted a lemonade', well we don't always get what we want do we?

Noelle said...

Slap with the cheese grater love it!

Gallo said...

Hi Bitchy Waiter. I love your blog, I am recent fan and follower and though I have never waited tables myself, I could probably got myself fired the first day as I am terrible carrying anything, I do however have lots of customer service stories to die for, and yes sometimes I feel like grabbing my matches and burn those assholes alive.

Congrats and all the best on your book!

Anonymous said...

For some reason lately, I've had a lot of people come in asking for "Caffeine-free, diet" sodas. Seriously? All you have to do is read the back of our menu to see we don't have such "fancy" diet drinks...try your local gas station. Thanks.

The Mistress of Spices said...

Oh my God pleeeeeeease write your book! It is going to be pure genius! Surely a best-seller!!!

Sincerely, The Waitress said...

The "but I really wanted [insert whatever we don't have]" thing is great. I'm always tempted to give customers who do that a blank stare and tell them to try the supermarket that's around the corner.

dirtydisher said...

You mean she didn't make her own "table lemmonaid"? The free kind? What a dumb twank.

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh, especially considering that here in the UK, 7-UP, and drinks like it, pretty much pass for lemonade, we don't have that 'lemon squash' you call lemonade