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Monday, April 4, 2011

The Facts of Life

"You take the good, you take the bad, you take 'em both and there you have, the facts of life." And one fact if life is that all good things must come to an end. I am one sour bitch today because my vacation is over. Within a few hours, I will be back in New York City where according to my averagely-smart phone, the weather is cloudy and rainy with a 95% chance of I-hate-it-here. I had some great service here in South Beach. The one thing I noticed though is that almost every single server was in no hurry to give us our check. Maybe it's because the tip is already included and they were like, "whatever" but I hate waiting for my check. When my cocktail is empty and my plate has been licked clean (seriously, I have no shame when it comes to a good sauce), I want my check. This is even more important when I am on vacation because I am ready to get to the next activity whether it be parsailing, jet skiing, visiting a museum to see a cultural art exhibit based on the trails and tribulations of Floridians who fled Cuba or just going to the next bar to see what their happy hour is. (Most of those activities are things that I never even considered doing, by the way.) As of this morning I learned to simply ask for my check as soon as the food arrived so I could be on my way.

So it's back to New York City and I must put up a front. My exterior must remain tough and strong even though inside I am a soft mass of messy emotion. I liken myself to television's Jo Polniaczek from The Facts of Life played by serious actress Nancy McKeon. Sure, on the outside she was a tough as nails, no-nonsense closet dyke who never let anyone see her soft side. (Well, Blair saw her soft side one time but that was after one too many California Coolers and they swore they would never talk about that occurrence again even though Tootie was spying on them and saw the whole thing and then told Natalie who told Mrs. Garrett, but whatever.) Jo hid her emotions so people would think she was a real tough cookie. I shall play Jo today. My face will say, "Meh, my vacation's over. No biggie.' My heart is saying, "What the fuck? I have to go back to making my own meals? And who is going to do my turn-down service? And when I need ice, I will have to go to my kitchen to get it instead of dialing housekeeping? This sucks! This sucks!" On the outside, my eyes are dry. On the inside they are wet with tears. And they might be a little bit bloodshot.

Happy Birthday, Nancy McKeon. Born on April 4, 1966!


Tony Van Helsing said...

If life was one long holiday then we wouldn't enjoy them as much. You need to be able to compare holidays to the everyday grind. That doesn't stop it from being shit, though.

Ryan said...

i agree, waiting for the check forever is a pet peeve of mine as well.

headed to Colicchio & Sons tonight to use up our gift certificate we got when we went for restaurant week.

it's true, if you don't use it, you lose it.

glad you enjoyed your time in south beach, welcome back to hell!

Mary A. said...

Know which episode was my favorite? The one where Jo & Blair went to a bar & had fake IDs.

Jo: "2 brews"

Blair: "uh. . One brew. I'll have a beer."


Anonymous said...

Just FYI, many Hispanics find it rude when the waiter is in a hurry to bring the check...they like the chance to linger at the table. The waiters you got here are very likely responding to that. I don't like it either, but at least it makes sense when you look at it from that point of view lol

lee said...

i loved "the facts of life", but why couldn't they let natalie get her cherry popped by george clooney instead of that snake guy?

once you go fat, you never go flat!

if everyday were a vacation, we would have to invent the super vacation, to break up the mundane existence of a lifelong trip to the beach.

Wendy said...

"If life were a vacation, you would get bored with it" and "If we were on permanent vacation we'd have to invent the super vacation".
You people can just continue deluding yourselves with that shit.

The longer the vacation, the better! I've worked enough to know it sucks, no matter where or what you do. Retirement is like a permanent vacation, if you do it right, and it is THE BEST!!!

Welcome home Bitchy, and congrats on 20 (one more time)!
Glad you had a good time. Sorry it's over so soon.

Amb said...

I hate waiting for the check, I hate waiting for anything. Wish I really had a place to be so I would have a good reason to hate waiting for anything

Frank the Angry Lobster said...

I don't mind waiting for a check, but then again I usually don't mind waiting for much of anything...I prefer a snail's pace. Many celebratory catch phrases regarding your twentieth anniversary, by the way.

The Bitchy Waiter said...

@Mary A. I know that episode. It's the same one where Blair critiques Jo for wearing heels with jeans.

Gabriele Agustini said...

I'm glad you were able to have a vacation and I'm sure you had a blast!
Going back to work that first day is kinda like having to work-out after a week or two...
it SUCKS!!
Hang in there, BW!