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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Fake Jesus Money Tips Suck

This has been discussed before, but can we talk about it again please? Servers want tips. We want cash money tips that we can put in our pockets and then carry to the bank to deposit so we can pay our bills. Am I right or am I right? What we do not want is any thing else. You don't need to tell me how fabulous I was to your kids (that never happens) or how friendly I was (again, that never happens) and you don't need to tell me how great my hair is (happens all the time.) What we really really so completely do not ever want is that tip that looks like a ten dollar bill and then when we pick it up we see that is some message from your church saying how our soul is worth more than a 15% tip. Bullshit. I have met Jesus and I know for a fact that He does not approve.

There was a story floating around on the Internet a few weeks ago about this and I am finally jumping on the bandwagon to also announce how wrong it is. Hey, Jesus people: stop it. How would you feel if the next time I was at church I tried something like that with the collection plate? (I will be at church as soon as they install an all-you-can-eat taco bar and a frozen margarita machine). Maybe when the collection plate came my way, I could drop in some Canadian coins and an expired Groupon. Or maybe I could slip it a homemade coupon promising Jesus a 15-minute back massage. Or how about if I drop in a handful of ticket dupes from the bar printer? All of those things have as much financial value as that stupid-ass Jesus money you have been pawning off onto servers for twenty years. It's wrong and unfair. And we all know that they know it's crappy because they always do it when we aren't looking and then they skidaddle their ass out of there before we see it. If they are so sure it's a good idea, then why don't they just tell us to our face how valuable our souls are?

I am pretty certain that when they show up at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter is going to have words with them about their behavior. You see, Saint Peter wasn't always a saint. He used to wait tables with me at Pizzeria Uno at South Street Seaport so he knows how important tips are. When we worked together, we just called him Peter and he was hilarious. He was there when we accidentally served a Muslim family an appetizer with bacon and he was laughing the loudest. I guess he wasn't too worried about because he was friends with Jesus and knew that Christianity was the only religion that mattered so whatever with the bacon-eating Muslims. Anyhoo, if you are one of those people who have left the fake money for a tip, be prepared to 'fess up when you get to Heaven. There is a special place reserved for you up there and it's called the dishroom of the Heavenly Cafeteria. It's open twenty-four hours a day and the dirty dishes are non-stop. It won't be fun but it won't be as bad as Hell. The dishroom in Heaven is air conditioned and you get a fifteen minute break every four hours where you get to eat all the Ambrosia salad you want. You'll love it.

Just to make it clear: servers do not want tips that only look like money. If you leave that Jesus money, your server will curse you and be on the lookout for you to return to their station at which time your food will take longer to get to you and your water glasses will remain unfilled. We hate that kind of tip. We want cash. What would Jesus do? He'd leave 20%, that's what He'd do. Think about it.

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Mary A. said...

Jesus said "Render unto Ceasar what is Ceasars and render unto God what is God's"

I don't know which verse that is- I am a Catholic and we don't memorize verse numbers.

But what Jesus meant was "TIP your Servers you Philistines!"
And don't forget to say grace before you eat. Yes even in public.

Bitchy Bartender said...

I want someone to make a retaliation pamphlet you can run after them and hand them, that explains that generosity and charity are Christian concepts, and then explain tipped employees minimum wage, that menu prices pay for the product and not the service, and how jesus wouldn't appreciate them stealing free service. Thou Shalt Not Steal and all that jazz. Not to mention, who are they to assume you need saving, even by THEIR standards? Maybe you're serving your way through bible college, and would appreciate their help with tuition money?

zoobabe said...

good point BB. It is hypocrisy at it's finest to stiff a server with the ruse of biblical verse that looks like real money. It's just a poor ass excuse for being a cheap, shady douchebag!

sarah said...

I hate those things. This summer was a good one, I only got one of them and they left me an actual 15% tip with it!!! That is so lucky, it is unheard of! I think it's because the year I worked at a breakfast place I got enough of those things for my entire lifetime. Once I even got a homemade key chain with a bible verse on it as a tip. WTF am I going to do with that? Sure can't pay my electric bill with a key chain. Then what will I use as light to read the Bible with? lol

Wendy said...

Nice post, Bitchy.
But that's not really why i'm here. I just now saw you on CBS Sunday Morning (or whatever their really long-ass title is) and

So cute and shiny-eyed and polite and smart and funny and EVERYTHING!
Your piece was great, with just the right amount of humor, and yet serious at the same time.
I'm so glad i got to see it/you.
You should be proud!
(Wow, how many millions have watched you on that show by now...? Boggles my mind. But that's beside the point. The *point* is YOU!)

Seriously, i *just* watched it 'cause i DVR'ed the show. I can't watch stuff in "real time" 'cause i *detest* commercials!

(Hmmm. Maybe too much coffee. I sure am talking a lot.)
Just wanted to let you know:
i sat
i saw


Traci said...

I sort of love when I get these things. See, I'm a a BAR. Not a restaurant.

Mary A. said...

Loved your comment today! I am trying to catch up on my blogreading!

Love, your Sister in Christ,

Mary A

Anonymous said...

Got a British pound once as a tip ... while working at an unnamed establishment in Wisconsin ... totally worthless (the pound & WI!) ... at least with the Jesus money you get Eternal Salvation ;)

Hayley Kiah said...

This made me laugh so hard!! I've never been a waitress but I always try to leave a good tip. It's good to remind everyone to in a humorous/religious way.

stockguy said...

Just tear them up and throw it at them

tracy said...

I got a prayer card as a graduation gift. Then my Mom guilted me into writing a thank you note for it. I always wondered how they felt when they graduated and got all that cool cash? then they forgot how it felt and gave me a prayer card.

Kim said...

Dish washing is too good for these "people"...can of Brasso & never-ending, intricate brass elephant head queue posts. Yup, been there, done is hellish!

J9 said...

try these:

Cat M said...

Jesus freaks leave fake money and try to make it look real. Why does it not surprise me that they would be so deceitful?

suzybel56 said...

I'm friends with Jesus and I know real Christians would not pull such a dirty trick. Hypocritical..."of the nature of hypocrisy, or pretense of having virtues, beliefs, principles, etc., that one does not actually possess."

George said...

If I got the phony money as a tip, I would go to church the following Sunday, any church, and stay long enough to deposit it back to them in the collection basket.

KimSue. said...

I once received the 'fake jesus money' on a Sunday lunch shift...I was pissed! And, I think I bitched about it for a