Tuesday, June 19, 2012

All I Need's An Air Conditioner

Just to give you some idea of the type of classy ladies I work with, "Alison" came into the club on her day off last week.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I was in the neighborhood and I heard the A/C was fixed so I came in to cool off my hot twat." Ah, sweet little demure lady-like Alison, laying in the booth, legs spread and fanning her inner thighs.

She was right. The A/C had been fixed just that day after a week of it spitting out luke-warm air and making the job even less tolerable than it already is. The room feels like an oasis of cool against the hot muggy streets of Manhattan. I was thankful that I had only had to work sans air conditioning for one shift. Today was going to be a good day now that the thermostat said 68º instead of "fuck you."

I begin to set up the room and for the first time in a week, I don't resent lighting candles and making every single table just a teeny tiny bit warmer. The show is a busy one. It's going to be a packed house and with 80+ people in the room, the A/C was going to get a big fat welcome gang bang.

About thirty minutes before show time, the people start pouring into their seats and ordering their drinks. I breeze through all my tables as happy as a pig in mud because the air is cool and today was a good day to forget to put on deodorant. Not that it matters; I use that stupid crystal rock that is basically just giving sweat and body odor an engraved invitation to party in my pits. The show starts and I notice that the temperature in the room is warmer than I'd like. The thermostat now says 73º but I figure it's due to all the bodies we have crammed into the space. Ten minutes later, the thermostat says 76º and I know we have a problem.

"Did anyone adjust the A/C? It's hot as balls in there," I tell the bartender.

"I think it shut down again. We just had it fixed today but it still seems fucked."

I grab my tray of drinks and head back into the sauna. No less than three people call me to their table to alert me that they are hot. I wonder if they can see the sweat soaking through my uniform or if the dim lighting and dark shirt have concealed it for me. "Yes, we are having some air conditioning issues," I whisper. "We are working on it." By "working on it," I mean that I have poured myself a glass of ice water and have decided to stay in the sidestand where it's much cooler. I roll up my sleeves and prepare to step into the room with a dirty vodka martini that was going as far away as possible. By now, my forehead is wet with perspiration. I glance at the thermostat where it says 82º. By the time I get to the other side of the room, the martini glass is sweating more than I am. I feel a bead of sweat rolling down my forehead and onto my nose where it lingers for a brief second. As I am lifting the drink off the tray, the sweat drop decides to end it all by taking a nosedive into the pool of vodka and vermouth. Without missing a beat, I place the drink on the table. "Here you are sir, one martini, extra dirty, just like you asked for." Yeah, it was dirty, alright. Dirty with the blood, sweat and tears of the bitchy waiter who's twat is hotter than a cat in heat.

The rest of the night consists of Mr. and Mrs. Obvious telling me it's warm. Finally, the show ends and we can begin to get the people out of there and try to bring the temperature down a few thousand degrees before the next show starts. We bring fans up from the basement because nothing says sophisticated night club more than plastic oscillating fans sitting at tables. The next performer goes up to the stage to start her sound check. "It's hot," she says. I walk past her carrying a fan and choose to ignore the comment in much the same way she chose to ignore good taste when she chose her ensemble that evening. The second show's audience doesn't merit two servers and I play the seniority card and ask to leave. The seniority card was damp from sitting in my pocket all night but I played that sweaty bitch nonetheless.

Twenty minutes later, I am sitting in the lobby, shirt unbuttoned and sipping my white wine. I stay until I finish my obligatory shift drink. As hot as it is in this place, I am not turning down free booze.

Like Alison before me, I have my legs splayed in a futile attempt to cool off my hot twat. The wine helps. All I need's an air conditioner.



Download The Bitchy Waiter App for Android here.


Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.

30 comments:

Mary A. said...

Make you miss Texas??

Practical Parsimony said...

I can commiserate because my ac decided to blow warm air three days ago. I live in the deep South, so I need to find a cold place to spread my legs all day.

bistis6 said...

Good thing you used a pseudonym for "Alison". Otherwise, I would have thought it WAS Alison with a mouth like that.

Anonymous said...

Next time, just place ice cubes in a small plastic back, and tape it to your abdomen or lower back. It works.

Practical Parsimony said...

Nellie Vaughn,
Would freezing one of the water bras work? Of course, a person would have to be care to have it shaped right when freezing, maybe placing it over a softball, baseball, or melon, depending on statistics.

Boynton Beach Air Conditioning Repair said...

Here something is new to read and also some very good information... Please keep me updated as much as possible....

Unknown said...

Excellent Blog! I certainly like the layout and the theme. The information is also excellent and I look forward to coming back again later on.

AC Company Surfside

Air conditioning repair Santa Clarita said...

Air conditioners serve the very important purpose of keeping your home cool during the summer. Maintaining a relatively constant temperature and humidity in your home through the change of seasons is not just important to stay comfortable but also to protect your home.

Air conditioning repair Santa Clarita

Air Conditioner Repair Toronto said...

Great post. I was looking up air conditioning system when I came across your post. I just bought a house and it has a really old air conditioning system and I was thinking about updating it for something a little more efficient.

Air Conditioner Repair Toronto

ferrugiamechanical said...

It quiet very useful post to me, thanks for sharing it.

regards
Air Conditioning Service Montgomery

Unknown said...

This information is very helpful and nice info...Heating and Cooling Toronto

Unknown said...

Good post again.
heating and cooling toronto Thanks

marian said...

If you are going to using your air conditioner constantly, you should have some contact information of an ac repair company nearest you. It's hard to imagine your AC breaking down.

Unknown said...

Its nice page High Efficiency Furnace Toronto

Unknown said...

We are dedicated to helping you find everything you need to make your home efficient, comfortable and worry free while at the same time putting money back in your pocket by offering some of the most efficient Air Conditioning and Heating equipment at the most competitive prices on the market.

Unknown said...

I was searching for the same information about the A/C repair. There are just few companies that provides the best A/C repair services. Thanks for the share.
Air conditioning service phoenix

Unknown said...

Harrell Home Services can help you get what is best for you; a system that may not necessarily involve the lowest initial cost, but one that would provide the lowest life cycle cost.

Richard C. Lambert said...

"I was in the neighborhood and I heard the A/C was fixed so I came in to cool off my hot twat." Ah, sweet little demure lady-like Alison, laying in the booth, legs spread and fanning her inner thighs. ac repair near me

pheobe22 said...

Your blogs stuff is purely enough for me personally. Palm City air conditioning supply

Unknown said...

Adidas training/gym shoes
Adidas High Top Basketball Shoes

lafayetteinsurance said...

شركة غسيل مكفيات بالرياض

Emma Ludwig said...

urbansketchers
nomics
realtime
vankulture
nodebb

Barbara Pantuso said...

sitiosperuanos
thewholesaleforums
hawaiisecuritycameras
vueindiatours

Helen Henson said...

radenintan
hobbit
hacksaar
sicom
hashnode
saskatoon
centralesupelec
git
affect3d
movieforums

caramel said...

Walau banyak situs browser seperti google chrome dan mozila firefox tetapi hal tersebut tidak tutup peluang akan https://mesinwaktu.net/ selekasnya ketinggalan dengan feature yang dipunyai oleh microdoft edge ini. Dipakai untuk searching tidak kalah cepat dari browser lain jadikan edge lebih disukai dari browser yang sebelumnya.

Emma Ludwig said...

gitlab
migraineinsight
do3d
friendtalk
osdiving

AlisaJankovic said...

Excellent writeup! Coming back to this space again for more informative blogs on HVAC systems. I got quite some ideas about AC’s working and everything. Thanks for sharing this piece. Love reading your blogs regularly. Can you please suggest some place where I can get a good service of Air Conditioning Repair in Hickory,NC?

Amit Kumar said...

Hi Author, Thank You For Sharing Such A Great Article Ac Repair in Indore I Would Like To Read More Articles From You On The Same topic Thanks!

Nakodadcs Services said...

This is the best blog and nakoda urban services offer the best Ac services in Gurgaon at very affordable prices in India.

Also check this best Split Ac servicing

Anonymous said...

Great Post, We are specialists in the Orange County California area for Residential Cooling and Heating Services
residential air conditioning repair