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Friday, October 12, 2012

It Happened Again: Drunk Baby

This photo has gone viral across the Interwebs because it shows a baby drinking whisky that he was accidentally served in a restaurant somewhere in Wales. Yes, it is horrifying that this child thought he was celebrating his second birthday with a cold glass of water and lime juice while he was actually sucking down some 40% alcohol. However,  the real tragedy in this photo is not that this baby was getting the good stuff way before it was legal. The thing that makes my eyes burn is that horrible fucking sweater in the background. Is that what one wears to a two-year old's birthday party in Wales? Skulls and crossbones? We will address that later.

At a restaurant called Frankie and Benny's, a family thought they would celebrate the birth of their little lush named Sonny Rees. I mean seriously, you name your kid Sonny Rees and you're surprised that he is drawn to whisky? That's like naming your daughter Bambi and then being surprised that she's a pole dancer. Sonny probably keeps his bottle in a brown paper bag. There was a stag party (I assume that's Wales for "bachelor party" and not a party for deer) happening in the restaurant at the same time and apparently, the server gave the future AA member the glass of whisky and water by mistake. Looking at that picture, it seems like Sonny is a real natural. Look how he's holding that glass. He looks like me at happy hour. Or me pretty much any time, truth be told. When the mom saw that Sonny was squirming in his seat and "pulling faces" after every sip, she tasted the drink and realized that her baby was turning into a 75 year old hobo right before her very eyes. She rushed him to the hospital where they checked him out and deemed him okay.

The restaurant felt so bad about the misunderstanding that they took 50% off their bill and issued this statement:  "The company is incredibly sorry for what happened. It was a human error and we are putting measures in place to ensure it never happens again."

Wow, they really went all out, didn't they?

But now let's focus on the real problem at hand: that ugly fucking sweater. Maybe little Sonny knew that there was whisky in that glass and he chose to drink it in order to forget what his mother was wearing to his birthday party. Maybe he wanted to drink the whisky as an act of rebellion for the horrible haircut she gave him with a Flowbeee she bought on Craigslistist or maybe he was angry about the plaid shirt he was dressed in. Mom, after you rushed to the emergency room, I hope you swung by the Dress Barn to pick out a new top. I'm surprised that the staff at the hospital didn't issue a code blue for that sweater and rip it off of you and hand you a robe instead. It's seriously horrible. Maybe on Halloween one can get away with wearing a skull and crossbones sweater, but any other time it is wrong. And at your son's birthday party? You should be ashamed. I don't blame Sonny one bit for getting trashed.

So let's go over this again, parents. If you want to make absolutely sure that your child is not getting  a major buzz at a restaurant, taste the drink first before your kids goes to town on it. Chances are everything is as it should be, but we have seen it happen enough times to know that occasionally, cocktails slip through the cracks and end up in a sippy cup. No server willingly gives a kid alcohol, we can be sure of that. It would jeopardize their job, be dangerous for the child and quite frankly it would be a waste of good liquor since no kid is going to appreciate a pomegranate margarita. I would suggest just testing it first. It could save you a trip to the emergency room. If, however, you are wearing an ugly ass sweater with skull and crossbones on it and you find alcohol in your child's drink here is what you should do:
  1. Take the alcohol away from your child.
  2. Take your sweater off.
  3.  Pour the alcohol onto the sweater.
  4. Ask your server for a match.
  5. Light the sweater on fire.
  6. Resume your meal.

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anne marie in philly said...

bwhahahaha! that is one fugly sweater AND bratley!

Ghadeer said...

"Maybe little Sonny knew that there was whisky in that glass and he chose to drink it in order to forget what his mother was wearing to his birthday party."

Hahaha that's hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Those jumpers are REALLY popular in the UK amongst people who think they are alternative because they have black framed glasses and a moody Tumblr. Like my 17 year old sister (who is possibly the reason I hate the style so much!). I feel your hatred for it and if the Top Shop Indie Hipster hasn't made it to the states yet, then I want to be where you are :P

Anonymous said...

Stag party is for the male half of upcoming marriage mourning the loss of his freedom. The female version is the Hen party - both tacky and yet another reason to stay far away from Friday night in town.

Sabrina said...

Umm, I thought most parents didn't allow any child under 4 to have glass, let alone a rocks glass. That in itself struck me as odd...then l see the color of the liquid and the little red screams mixed drink..and it's daylight outside.. How did no one notice this alot faster... hmmm, I wonder if a fellow patron gave the baby the drink in the hopes he would drink it, get ill and vomit all over that sweater..

Taylor Daugherty said...

Yep there's people who wear those in Chicago. The dullest people ever. I hate that style

Anonymous said...

it's probably ginger ale

Swissy said...

loving the emphasis on the ugly sweater.

Anonymous said...

What a boring peice of writing. Your attempt at humor has sucked the life out of Me. said...

ROFL! Is drunken Sonny Rees using a Bluetooth?!

Sabrina said...

Really anonymous on the boring writing? Is that you springs1? Anyway,if it is or isn't..your an idiot..either seem to be alone in your observation. If you don't like it,don't read it..Have a nice day!

maxi said...

Anonymous is obviously God. The capitalised 'Me' is a dead giveaway

Fool Critic said...

Or you could stop blaming your shitty parenting on servers. At least two adults are watching this happen and not one thought, "Hey, maybe we should make sure that's not the whisky Uncle Ben ordered."

Anonymous said...

I love how blame is shifted from the dumdum mum onto server.
1. How do you not get a sippy cup for your child?
2. How do you leave house in that jumper?

Answer to both? Because you're a dumdum mum.


Anonymous said...

Because everytime I go to restaurant I need to make sure my kid is getting water and not vodka. Please, it is the dumb waiters fault for giving a child alcohol. They should have been fired!

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