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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

We as servers must be quick on our feet, not only literally but also figuratively. Of course we have to be nimble and efficient so we can get our guests' food to them in a most timely manner, for that is what we as servers truly want, isn't it? For our guests to be happy? We also have to be quick with a reply when people ask a question and we must know our menu backwards and forwards so that we can answer any question  customers may have. Sometimes, even I am amazed at the true and utter bullshit that flows from my mouth at work.

A customer asked me which was better, the tilapia or the salmon. I opened my mouth and this is what fell out of it:

Well, I think the salmon is heartier and with it being prepared on the grill gives it even more substance as compared to the tilapia which is a simple white fish and very simply pan-seared. I suppose it's a toss up, but with the cool weather out tonight, I would suggest the salmon. It's delicious.

Here's the kicker. I have never had either entree and I don't even eat fish. (Well, I did once in college but that was only because I had too many wine coolers and I felt obligated.) We servers have to answer the questions though, right? So what that I've never had either one of the dishes, I've served them for almost two years and that counts for something. I could be honest but what customer would want to hear this answer:

Yeah, I don't which one is better because they both look pretty nasty to me. One comes with cous cous and the other one comes with quinoa and those suck ass. The only fish I like is tuna and even then it has to come in a can and be mixed with a shitload of mayo. If I were you, I'd go back home and order some thai food and watch Project Runway.

So I lie. I do it at my other job too when people ask me which drink is the best one on the cocktail menu.

"Oh, either the Razzle Dazzle or the Ruby Red Martini, I can't decide," they say.

"Well, you just picked my two favorites off the entire menu, that's what you just did. On the rare occasion that I do have a drink here, I always choose one of those two. You'll be happy with either one."

Now you see, the lie there is subtly different. The truth is, I have tasted all of them and I don't have a favorite. That's like asking a mother to decide which is her favorite child. It's a Sophie's Choice kind of decision. The other part of that lie is the "on the rare occasion that I have a drink here" part. To be honest, if they asked me at the right time they could probably have a sample of either drink just by taking a sip out of that plastic cup on the tray stand.

Yes, servers lie.

Sometimes we lie to cover up our mistakes: The reason your food is taking a little longer is because the printer in the kitchen ran out of paper and your order didn't print out when I rang it in.

We lie to make people feel better: Yes, everyone loves that dish so you are not the only person I have seen licking your plate clean.

We lie because we don't know the real answer: Celery root is very similar to a potato.

We lie to get a better tip: It was a pleasure to serve you and I am so happy that your four kids seemed to enjoy their time in my station. Please come back soon.

We lie to our bosses: What bottle of vodka that was almost empty? I have no idea what you're talking about.

We lie to co-workers: Can you close for me tonight? I have some major diarrhea.

We lie to the cooks: The douche bag at table seven changed his mind. Now he wants mashed potatoes instead of french fries. I dunno why he didn't tell me that when he ordered so I could have rung it in properly.

But most of all, we lie to ourselves: Next week, I am going to go get a new job.

Tell me, does anyone else lie at their job? What's the most recent lie you have told while punched in at work? You can tell me. I promise I won't tell anyone.

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anne marie in philly said...

"does anyone else lie at their job?" - my QC person lies all the time about when he is going to ship equipment to a customer.

"What's the most recent lie you have told while punched in at work?" - this one I have to stop and think; I don't lie very well and my boss can see right thru me.

fmcgmccllc said...

I actually received awards and rewards for telling a few fibs at work. If it is between giving you a million dollars and saving my boss's ass, you are going down.

But when I ask a server if the fish is better than the whatever what I am really asking is if I will die if I order one or the other. And I would like to know if the dessert is left over from last Christmas.

maxi said...

Ha I do this all the time when quizzed on the wine menu. What should I order the shiraz or the cabernet? Hell knows! I don't drink the stuff!

California Girl said...

Oh crap! uh, I mean "snap!"

Does this mean I shouldn't ask the server to pls help me choose btwn 2 entrees any longer? wah! I often have that problem because I like pretty much EVERYTHING.

No, I'm not a fat pig. I just love to cook, to eat, to try new preparations.

Robyn (Qld Australia) said...

I work in childrens retail and a customer required a size 3 skirt and asked me to look on the manequin. This manequin is a real pain in the ass. I looked and said it was a size 2. It was a size 3. Too bad. You pay peanuts you get monkeys.

Fool Critic said...

My biggest lie is usually, "Hope you have a great night!" when I actually hope that their house burned to the ground while they were out being rude bastards at my restaurant.

Anonymous said...

I work in book retail.

I lie off my ass:
Yes, I loved that book.
Oh, I heard that one was great!
You liked that (sleazy trash) novel? You'd love this steamy (literary garbage) read!
Oh, urban fiction? I've read a few!
Your shirt looks nice.
(shitty customer over the phone) Sorry, I couldn't find the book for you, would you like to order it? (too lazy to look, don't give a shit)
Oh your kids are ADORABLE. Especially the one that just dumped half the fixture on the ground while laughing. Or the other one that projectiled on the bookshelves.

The one thing I won't lie about is 50 shades and Twilight. Maybe I'll smile and nod when someone comes up with one and exclaims they like it, but if someone asks me my opinion, well fuck honey, you're going to get it.

Ghadeer said...

Do you pick the more expensive items on the menu when you're asked to make a recommendation?

The Cheese said...

I worked with two vegetarians at a steak place. Never ceased to amaze me how these silly girls felt like they had to tell their customers that! I get it, you'd rather have a pig as a pet than a meal. Let's just remember you sell dead cow for a living. Quit pretending you have morals! Blah.

"I've never been here before. What's good?"
Oh, everything! With our chef's attention to detail, you can't possibly get a bad meal here!

I hate more than anything when people ask me two help them pick between two things, then choose the opposite of what I say. Especially when they tell me they don't like their meal after that. I honestly say, Well, guess you should listen to your waitress next time! At least you've learned your lesson. Then I drop off the check and charge them full price. :-) Please don't ask a your servers opinion if you don't really want it! Please people!

Anonymous said...

This article brings back memories.

One night I noticed a four top in the next station that hadn't been helped. No water, no menus, nothing. I gave it a couple minutes and finally, after seeing no signs of activity, went over and asked if they had been helped. They said no, and I told them I'd find their server. I check the seating chart and realize... "Oh crap, that's MY table."

Now I'm in a bit of a pickle. I REALLY don't want to return to their table, tell them I'm their waitress and deal with angry customers. I also can't ask one of the other servers to take them. It wouldn't be fair to send anyone into the lions den like that. Well, as Dr. Seuss would say, "I thought up a lie, and I thought it up quick."

I walked back out there with my chest puffed out like I had just had an argument. I put on an indignant face and told that four-top, "You're waiter and I had words, and I'M going to be serving you tonight."

They spent the rest of the evening looking suspiciously at my male co-workers, wondering which one had first abandoned them, and then been rude to the sweet young lady who gave them such excellent service. They left me a 30% tip.

Anonymous said...


Bitchy Britt said...

" Of course our Alaskan king crab is fresh! They overnight it from Anchorage right to south Florida! " ..Dumbass

Anonymous said...

Oh God. Even as "anonymous" I'm ashamed of my glaring grammatical error. It should have read, YOUR waiter and I, not YOU'RE waiter and I.

My bad.

- Anonymous a few entries up.

shan said...

Hilarious. But my favorite lie is "next week i'm getting a new job" bitch please,the world will eat you alive outside these 4 walls. You work 4 hrs and make 80-100$ the only job making that is not one you can obtain,so smile, run some goddamn food&quit ur bitching.your friends will still be at the bar when your done ..i promise.

Anonymous said...

Lady older than dirt: We are freezing! Can you do something about that frigid air conditioning?

Me, sweating my ass off running around for Her Neediness: Of course!

*Take a few laps around the restaurant, planning on not doing a damn thing about the air*

Me: The manager turned the air down. How is that? Better?

Lady: Oh yes dear, so much better! Thank you!


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