Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

We as servers must be quick on our feet, not only literally but also figuratively. Of course we have to be nimble and efficient so we can get our guests' food to them in a most timely manner, for that is what we as servers truly want, isn't it? For our guests to be happy? We also have to be quick with a reply when people ask a question and we must know our menu backwards and forwards so that we can answer any question  customers may have. Sometimes, even I am amazed at the true and utter bullshit that flows from my mouth at work.

A customer asked me which was better, the tilapia or the salmon. I opened my mouth and this is what fell out of it:

Well, I think the salmon is heartier and with it being prepared on the grill gives it even more substance as compared to the tilapia which is a simple white fish and very simply pan-seared. I suppose it's a toss up, but with the cool weather out tonight, I would suggest the salmon. It's delicious.

Here's the kicker. I have never had either entree and I don't even eat fish. (Well, I did once in college but that was only because I had too many wine coolers and I felt obligated.) We servers have to answer the questions though, right? So what that I've never had either one of the dishes, I've served them for almost two years and that counts for something. I could be honest but what customer would want to hear this answer:

Yeah, I don't which one is better because they both look pretty nasty to me. One comes with cous cous and the other one comes with quinoa and those suck ass. The only fish I like is tuna and even then it has to come in a can and be mixed with a shitload of mayo. If I were you, I'd go back home and order some thai food and watch Project Runway.

So I lie. I do it at my other job too when people ask me which drink is the best one on the cocktail menu.

"Oh, either the Razzle Dazzle or the Ruby Red Martini, I can't decide," they say.

"Well, you just picked my two favorites off the entire menu, that's what you just did. On the rare occasion that I do have a drink here, I always choose one of those two. You'll be happy with either one."

Now you see, the lie there is subtly different. The truth is, I have tasted all of them and I don't have a favorite. That's like asking a mother to decide which is her favorite child. It's a Sophie's Choice kind of decision. The other part of that lie is the "on the rare occasion that I have a drink here" part. To be honest, if they asked me at the right time they could probably have a sample of either drink just by taking a sip out of that plastic cup on the tray stand.

Yes, servers lie.

Sometimes we lie to cover up our mistakes: The reason your food is taking a little longer is because the printer in the kitchen ran out of paper and your order didn't print out when I rang it in.

We lie to make people feel better: Yes, everyone loves that dish so you are not the only person I have seen licking your plate clean.

We lie because we don't know the real answer: Celery root is very similar to a potato.

We lie to get a better tip: It was a pleasure to serve you and I am so happy that your four kids seemed to enjoy their time in my station. Please come back soon.

We lie to our bosses: What bottle of vodka that was almost empty? I have no idea what you're talking about.

We lie to co-workers: Can you close for me tonight? I have some major diarrhea.

We lie to the cooks: The douche bag at table seven changed his mind. Now he wants mashed potatoes instead of french fries. I dunno why he didn't tell me that when he ordered so I could have rung it in properly.

But most of all, we lie to ourselves: Next week, I am going to go get a new job.

Tell me, does anyone else lie at their job? What's the most recent lie you have told while punched in at work? You can tell me. I promise I won't tell anyone.



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