Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I Want a New Job

Having been a waiter for so many years and always answering the age-old question of, "when are you going to get a real job?" I think the time has come for me to consider my next profession. I hear there is a wonderful job opportunity opening up in Rome and since my passport is up to date and I really want a career change, I think I shall be submitting an application for Pope.

I never really thought about being Pope for a number of reasons; I'm not Catholic, I'm gay, I don't look good in hats, etc. However, I do think that the Catholic church needs some updating so maybe it's time they had a non-Catholic, gay (out of the closet) Pope. And I do look really good in crowns, so why not? I would think that the Pope has some really great health benefits and probably gets paid vacation. I doubt he has to clean ketchup lids or fill salt and pepper shakers. He lives rent-free in the Vatican and gets to ride around in that cool little Popemobile. He travels all over the world dispensing wisdom and spiritual guidance so it's pretty much what I already do now.

As I mentioned, I did not grow up Catholic. I was raised a Southern Baptist where the fear of God was whipped into me by a preacher at the pulpit. Seeing that I am rather unfamiliar with what all the Pope has to do, I decided that a little research would be in order. I went to and found out everything I need to know about Popedom so I feel like I have a pretty good shot of at least getting an interview.

Assuming I get elected (and why wouldn't I?) I learned that Cardinal Dean will ask me two questions. I don't know who Cardinal Dean is but he probably is just a figure-head who will accept any old answer. In any case, I am prepared:

Question: Do you accept your canonical election as Supreme Pontiff?

Answer: Uh, the answer is "yes'" Cardinal Dean. Why do you think I even applied in the first place? Duh. And how do you like your burger cooked?

Question: By what name do you wish to be called?

Answer: Patriarch of the West Papa Bitchy the Pope #sideofmustard

As for the duties that will befall upon me, I think I can handle them. I have often said that waiting tables prepares one for almost any job in the world and now is my chance to prove it.

Serves as bishop of the archdiocese of Rome, providing spiritual guidance to its members- I got this. If it has the word "serves" in it, I'm good. Next!

Appoints bishops and cardinal- I can do that. It would be just like choosing a shift leader. You want someone who knows a lot but maybe not the person who knows the most. Sometimes the person who knows the most isn't very nice to those who know less.

Presides at beatification and canonization ceremonies- I love to make things more beautiful and I wrote a paper once in junior high school about the Revolutionary War and I had a whole paragraph on cannons. No problem.

Spreads the word of the Roman Catholic Church through his travels- If we change "Roman Catholic Church" to "Ways Customers Annoys Me" I am good to go on this one. I even have business cards that have my website on them.

Writes documents that define the Catholic Church's official position on issues facing the world- Well, I like to write and as long as I have an Internet connection and Google, I can write about anything. Easy.

Confers with global leaders and politicians about these issues- This would be a little out of my comfort zone because so far, the closest I have come to a global leader or politician is when I met Dr. Phil and when Gayle King tweeted me and she is one degree of separation from Oprah who is pretty much a deity herself. I also served Hillary Clinton a crab cake at a fundraiser once.

I think the thing that would be the best about being the Pope would be the new uniform. Gone are the days of all black polyester slip-resistance shoes. I could wear pretty frocks any day of the year instead of waiting until October 31st and those red shoes he wears are absolutely fabulous.

Another thing I know that the Pope does is give out the Holy Communion which is bread and wine, right? I have totally done that like a thousand times. I can do this, y'all! "Real job" coming right up!

If (more like when) I become Pope, I may have to let the blog slow done a little bit. I don't know how much time I will have to write, what with all the the movie premiers and church openings I will be expected to attend. Maybe I can start a new blog called The Bitchy Pope. I dunno, we shall see. I have not found the job application yet but I am sure it just takes some digging. The Vatican's website is so complicated that "submit for this job" is buried somewhere. That may be my first order of business once I start: update the website.

Wish me luck, everyone. And happy Ash Wednesday. Again, being very unfamiliar with Catholicism, I am not sure what it this day means. To me, it looks like a lot of people got too close to a candle they were blowing out. Don't worry though. When I am Pope, I will Google Ash Wednesday and make sure I understand it. I want to take my new career as seriously as possible.

Pacis erit vobiscum! (That means "peace be with you" in Latin. Duh.)

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Anonymous said...

LOL! I needed a laugh today! Thank-you!! And thank-you for letting those among us who have never served know what it's like on the other side! Have a great week!! And the best of luck on your quest for the Vatican! lol!

JoeinVegas said...

I don't think there are many church openings any more, so that should free up some time. And besides, you'll be the boss so you can tell others what to do anyway.

Georgette said...

Actually I think the Pope wears Prada, so you'd look good in that. Actually did see the place in Rome where his frocks are created and it's a very nice clothing store.

Anonymous said...

As your Catholic friend...and probably the only are going to hell....

Next year you get to choose what I give up for Lent...that should help you with the whole Ash Wednesday thing.


KB said...

How did I not know that the Pope wears red shoes? That is spectacular. I will become Catholic if you become Pope.

California Girl said...

Pope Bitchy does have a nice ring to it.

Anonymous said...

Actually I come from a very large, devout Catholic family and I found This hilarious! I believe God has a sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

aI think this is my favourite of all your posts so far!

Anonymous said...

Funny as usual. Have you compiled a book of your blogs?

anne marie in philly said...

cripes, you would turn the church upside down inside out over under sideways down! and you would look FABULOUS doing it!

(says the ex-catholic, scarred for life)

Anonymous said...

Dear BW,

There is one problem with you fitting in to that culture.. Not that you are gay, no. Problem is that you're married to an adult male.

You see, based on the headlines in papers, the Catholic priests also enjoy same sex relations, except their preference leans towards the prepubescent multiple unwilling partners. So, you see how your marriage to a grown man who loves you just does not mesh with the doctrine.

Asides that I truly can't imagine the Catholic church allowing your husband full spousal benefits, like dipping into the Vatican treasury to support your marriage. That's the reason why Catholic priests are not allowed to marry in the first place, because Gods forbid the spouse would inherit instead of church coifers.

Otherwise - you're good to go!
Click the Pope red shoe heels three times, and Toto, we're off to Vatican!


Anonymous said...

While I enjoyed the article I'd like to take a moment to set everyone straight on the whole "priests loving pre pubescent boys" issue. I believe there are two major reasons that this belief is held. First off the Catholic church is one of the largest denominations in the world. When a priest molests a child it isn't just some separate entity, or small congregation that will be forgotten in a week. It is a global issue because the Catholic church is a global congregation. Second, the Catholic church is at fault for trying handle it quietly. For example, in Tulsa, Ok a priest was excommunicated for this behavior. The church didn't tell anyone. Not even the parish he resided in. Afterward, this priest sent a letter to the church stating that he had been sent to an orphanage in Africa asking for donations. The Tulsa World newspaper printed an article stating that the Catholic church sent a child molesting an orphanage in Africa. Of course this was.false, and they would have known had the church been more open about the situation. So I say go for it Bitchy, the church could use a great communicator like you to bring to light what needs to be..

Anonymous said...

Actually the belief is held because the catholic church just spent years trying to cover their asses hiding the fact they had some priests who liked to abuse little boys. And hiding the priests. Many of who were not punished, but simply moved.

But you know, birth control is a huge problem so lets have the church focus on that instead.

By the way, if you actually pulled this off, I'd convert from Agnostic to Catholic in a heartbeat. That would prove there is a god and it's finaly doing something productive.

BewareofWaitress said...

I know I'm a little tardy to the party with this, but you may have a real shot at it. That is, if the current rumors circulating are true about the former pope's "closeted" love affair.

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