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Monday, February 6, 2012

Customers Can't Answer Questions Correctly

I don't expect customers to be very smart, so it's not surprising when people give the wrong answer to this question: Hello, how are you tonight? There are so many correct answers to that question such as "I am fine" or "Very well, thank you," but one that is most assuredly incorrect is "I want coffee" or "what's your special?" People, just take a fucking moment to acknowledge your server and at least pretend for a hot second that you're not completely self-absorbed in your own life and have no concern about anything else. Coming from someone who always says good morning to the crusty ass bus driver on the Q32, I know it's not that hard to mumble out a simple salutation whether you truly mean it or not.

Last week, a woman came into the restaurant. I immediately went to her table. "Hello, how are you tonight?" I asked." Without looking away from her stupid cell phone, she said, "Do you have any bread? I'm starving!" Lady, please. You aren't starving. People in Africa are starving. Children in the Appalachians are starving. Supermodels are starving. You are not starving. You do not have a swollen belly nor do I see Sally Struthers anywhere trying to give you some canned goods. What you meant to say was, "I am good, thank you for asking. I am waiting for someone and I'm a bit peckish. Would you mind bringing me a little bit of bread, please whenever you get a chance? Thank you." Customers notoriously give the wrong answer to a myriad of questions. Here are justa few that make me want to pull my hair out but I would never really do that because my hair is sorta "my thing."

Q: Hi, how are you?
A: Do you have a bathroom?

Q: Would you like to hear our specials tonight?
A: It's cold in here.

Q: Are you ready to order anything?
A: Yes, I am. (And then to friend) What are you having? I have no idea.

Q: Did you get a chance to look at the menu yet?
A: I want steak, well done.

Q: Can I get you anything to drink?
A: No I don't drink, I'll have water.
✘ WRONG You do drink water, stupid.

Q: Would you like some more water?
A: We ordered like an hour ago.

Q: Here is your food. Is there anything else I can get for you right now?
A: No.
✘ WRONG You need A-1, more napkins, more butter and more bread but you will ask me four separate times for them.

Q: How is your steak?
A: Tough and dry.
✔ CORRECT Your steak is tough and dry because you asked for it to be well done, stupid.

Q: How was everything tonight?
A: Oh it was horrible (as they hand me a plate that was licked cleaner than the balls of a yard dog.)

Q: Would you like dessert tonight?
A: No, I'm on a diet.
✘ WRONG There is no diet that lets you eat fried calamari, mac and cheese and steak for dinner and three Diet Coke does not mean you are on a diet. It means you are in denial.

And what questions do customers routinely answer incorrectly when you ask them?

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Estrellita said...

Me: Hello. How are you this evening?
Idiot: Why wouldn't SHE (points to hostess) give us (2 people) that table (points to 6 top)?

Me: Hello. How are you this evening?
Idiot: We're not ready. Can you come back?

~Sherre said...

"Are you ready to order?"
"I want another sweet tea."

"Have you made any decision on what you'd like to eat this evening?"
"Yes. I'll have the Tilapia."
"Ok, the tilapia. Which two sides would you like?" (this is clearly posted on the menu)
"Oh..." (five more minutes of menu viewing)

"Hello, how are you guys doing this evening?"
...nothing, because they can't stop talking long enough to acknowledge I'm there...

"What can I get you to drink?"
"Water with lots of extra lemons and I'll definitely need more splenda than what's here on the table."

"What can I bring you to drink?"
"I want the 8oz sirloin..."

HeadlessGoat said...

Can i get you anything to drink this evening?
"Do you have vodka?"
No, i assuredly do not have vodka, at this fully stocked bar.

Paula said...

"Hello, how are you tonight?"
"Gin and tonic, no lime."

"Can I get you anything to drink?"
"No, I'll have coffee."

"Would you like that wrapped?"
"No, can you box this?"

"Our first special tonight is a Sauteed White ...."
"Where's the bread? Don't we get bread? How come you haven't brought the bread yet? ... and don't forget the butter"

Sulky kitten said...

I too was once an idiot - I worked behind a bar that sold food. On my 2nd day one of the old soaks came up and asked me for a Hamlet (cigar!). I however thought he meant an omelette with ham (Hamlette?) and that maybe this was a specialty they had on offer. So, I bounced out and shouted the order to the cook, who NEVER let me forget it..I then suffered weeks of customers asking me for crazy food combos...Oh, how I laughed..NOT. In mitigation, I was young and the fumes from the optics addled my brain....

Elizabeth S. said...

Bitchy, this is hilarious. I've heard a million stupid answers (as we all have) but I would like to thank you for mentioning that people in the Appalachians are starving. I grew up in the Appalachians, thankfully in a part that isn't starving, but it used to always bother my mom when people would say they're starving, since people on the other side of the mountain were actually starving. So thanks for the recognition.

Louis06 said...

"Can I get you started with something to drink?"
"Oh, we just sat down, we're gonna need some time to look over the menu"

That's great, only I asked you what you wanted to drink, not what you wanted to eat.

Little Miss Twenty Something said...

I never heard the phrase "Supermodels are starving." I think I will you that phrase now!

Zeba said...

Haha. Sad truth of life. But hilarious nonetheless.

Anonymous said...

OMG, this would be the best Blog Post yet....however I think Sulky Kitten may have stolen the show with the "Hamlette". I'll be laughing about that for a week.

I personally like it when I get a less than enthusiastic (albeit correct) response to "How are you today?" My reply to any response less than "Great" is "Good! You left me room for improvement!"

~The Damn Yankee

Unknown said...

Me: Hi my name is so and so would you like to know about our specials?

Answer: No, Ican read my own menu thank you. *pause* What is on sale tonight?

*head slam*

Anonymous said...

I must admit that I skip answering this question because I was a waitress, and when I asked that question, I didn't actually give a fuck to know the answer.

Sunnie said...

"Hi, how are you all doing ton.."
"What's your soup"
well flying fuck if you had let me finish speaking you would know.

Kelly said...

Me: "Hi, how can I help you?"
Dumbass: "I have an interview."
Me: "Okay, with whom?"
Dumbass: [irritated glare] I dunno! Call the HR lady.

Tragic server said...

I work at a celebrity chef restaurant where it's pretty much a constant douchebag parade of tourists and ignorant morons. "would you care for anything to drink?" two of the worst responses: "yes. What is your cheapest glass of wine?" (which is also inevitably followed up by in depth questions about its characteristics, which I want to respond to by saying that it's borderline Franzia on the menu only for people like them) or "how much is a soda?" to which I want to respond "if you have to ask that, you can't afford to eat here." but I inevitably discover that when they order a side as their entree and then complain about how small it is.

Anonymous said...

Me: Thank you for calling, may I have your customer number?

Idiot: My coupon code is ....

Maria said...

I used to date a guy who, when asked by a server "How are you this evening?" would always answer "Just terrible" thinking he was funny. All it did was make the server think he was already mad about something. I finally got sick of it and said "When someone asks you that question, unless it is a close friend, a family member, or your doctor, the ONLY correct response is 'Fine thank you. How are you?' Any other response makes you look like a jackass." Which, of course, he WAS a jackass, so I had to dump him.

KB said...

I love The Bitchy Waiter and his blog.

Anonymous said...

I'm a bartender, but it doesn't matter-the same applies:

Me: Hey how are you doing? What can I get you?
Them: I'll take a Miller Lite.
Me: Sorry, I don't have that. Would you like to see a list?
Them: No, it's cool. I'll just take a Heineken Lite.
Me: Sorry, I don't have that. Would you like to see a list?
Them: Jeez! What DO you have?
(As if there aren't 30+ beers behind me on display and 2 taps on the bar in front of their face)

Them: Are you the bartender?
Me: Na, I just like to hang out behind here and pretend that I am.

Melody said...

I'm a bartender and when people ask for something we can't make or don't stock I just tell them we're no fun like that. It is what it is.

Noelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

When I worked in retail, I got a lot.
Q: Hello, how are you?
A: You take credit cards?

Q: Do you buy chance have a nickel?
A: No.
I ring up the order and count back the change.
Customer: So much change! Wait, I think I might have a nickel.

Q: Did you find everything all right?
A: Wrap that up with extra tissue paper.

Q: Good evening! How are y--
A: You should really have your dog toys and bones up higher. My dog could get into all of them!

Oh good... So now I have to clean up THAT mess too...

Jane said...

I'm a host in an upscale steakhouse. These are my favorites:

Me: How are you doing toni-
Them: FOUR! (While holding up four fingers usually.)

(A group of people comes in, but they're waiting on the guy that's parking the car.)
Them: We're the Smith party of 6, we're just waiting on my husband.
(Husband finally comes in.)
Me: Ah, everyone's here now, ok Smith party, you can follow her right around the corner-
Clueless Husband: Hi, we're the Smith party of 6.
Me: Yes sir, Smith party, you can follow her-
Other Host: Smith party, this way!
Them: S-M-I-T-H, at 7 pm
Me: Yes sir, right around the corner, you can follow her.

Me: The dining room has a 30-minute wait but there are bar booths available now and you can get the full menu there, they're first come first serve.
Them: Nah, we don't want the bar, put us on the list.
(They then proceed to stand next to an empty bar booth for several minutes.)
Them: Hey, are these booths open?
Me: Yes, they're first come first serve.
Them: Can we get dinner there?
Me: Yes, the full menu is available in the bar.
Them: So, do we just grab one?
Me: Yes, they're first come first serve.
Them: Can we take this one?
Me: Yes, they're first come first serve.

Oh, I could go on and on.

ADR said...

Q: Would you like a lemon for your water?

A: No. (customer wants a lemon just as SOON as I come back with their water)

Customers _must_ be in cahoots, doing this shit on _purpose_.

Team Jen said...

Me: "Hi, how are you this evening?"

Me: "How is everything so far?"

There is nothing worse than being completely ignored. I love when they ignore you then seek out a manager or other server and proceed to say they haven't seen their server in a while. WRONG AND STUPID

Shannon said...

I worked as a bartender in a long term stay hotel. After one guest had been in house for about a week and at the bar every evening, he asked me, "So, what do you do for a living?" REALLY??

rlm said...

I worked in fast food for all of high school and most of college. The most common and annoying question/answer: "Would you like the chicken on your sandwich grilled or crispy?"

Usually I picked whichever I felt like...which was 99.999% of the time the wrong one.

jMAN5 said...

Me: Alright 2 today?
Them: No 20
Me: Did you make a reservation
Them: No

Me: Will that be a booth or a table
Person 1: Booth
Person 2: Table

maxi said...

Me: Right, what can I get you to drink?
Guest: Err... what beers do you have?
Me: We serve Peroni and Peroni Gran Riserva by the bottle.
Guest: Do you have -insert random beer here-

Oh yeah, cos I totally lied to you before about what beers we had!
Guest: What about cider?
Me: Sorry, just those 2 beers.
Guest:What? No cider at all?!?!? eleventy111one11!!!!

No shit for brains, I was lying to you, again! It's how I get my kicks in this job.


Anonymous said...

(Ordering at a wing restaurant with over 20 different sauces, traditional and boneless)
Me: What can I get you?
Customer: Wings.
Me: .....

Anonymous said...

Me: What would you like to drink?
Customer: What do you have?
What I would like to say: the same freaking thing every other restaurant in the country has.

Anonymous said...

Me: Hello, how is everyo....
Customer: Diet coke.

Anonymous said...

After the food comes out...

Me: How'd everything come out for you?

Customer: I need another beer.

Me: Right. And how did everything come out for you?


Anonymous said...

I greeted two people at the door last night," hi, how are you tonight?" ....they both continued to walk towards the dining room, without acknowledging me. I then grabbed menus and walked towards them again, and repeated myself, and asked if theyd like a table or a booth. The woman responded, but then ignored my attempt at seating them and just headed towards a booth. ( my section..:/) i go to take a drink order, but rather than what theyd like to drink they told me they had to catch a movie soon, and would like their food fast. ( both sides of the restaurant were full....)

Unknown said...

When I get those answers,it usually goes like this.
"Hey. How are you guys doing?
"Good. Glad to hear it. I'm doing well too. How about a bud"

It's not difficult to be polite.

Unknown said...

My personal favorite is...

Me:"Would you care for ice water, still water, or sparkling water?"


Pick one you stupid cow.

Iheartserving said...

I hate it when I walk up to a table, that is still taking their coats off- and they say, "oh, THERE you are" like they've been waiting hours for me to get there.

Darren said...

I was a waiter for many years, and after a while, you almost become immune to customers' stupidity and/or rudeness. Still, how some people could be so self-absorbed never ceased to amaze me. An example: Me: Good evening, how is everyone tonight? Customer 1: (sitting with people who've barely opened their menus) Well, I know what I'M having! Me: How nice! And is everyone else ready as well? Customer 2: No, we haven't even looked! Me: OK, I'll give you some more time. Me:(a few minutes later) Has everyone had enough time? Customer 1: Did you put my order in? Me: Well sir, did you want your food to arrive at a different time than everyone else's? Customer 1: No! Why would I want that? Alas, this happened all too often.

hello jamie: said...

Q: would you like still or sparkling water to start?
A: yeh, that sounds good.
A: what do you have on tap?
A: what's good?
A: * blank stare *


The Enemy said...

I will bring you another soda and some extra napkins, will there be anything else you might need?

I want more soda. Oh, and get me some napkins!

Unknown said...

Me: what would you like to drink?
Customer: tea
Me: unsweet or raspberry?
Customer: sweet

Umm...was that an option?

EmilyH said...

Q: What is your soup of the day?
A: We have clam chowder, tomato bisque, chili, chicken tortilla or chicken noodle.
Q: Do you have french onion?

Q: Would you like thin or steak-cut fries with that?
A: No, I would like fries.