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Friday, December 21, 2012

An Open Letter to Table 15

Dear Table 15,

Congratulations to you! You have the distinct honor of being my most annoying customer of the night! Although it was a tight race between you and table 16 who told me they were so hungry that I should put down my water pitcher and take their order right away, your overall consistency of annoyingness took the lead. Kudos to you, assholes!

When I say hello to a table, a nice response would be a salutation directed back at me and not "I want a cheeseburger." That is just plain rude, sir, but I will blame that on your very advanced age and your need to eat one final meal before departing this earth. Of course, me being eager to please, I was ready to take your order and get that burger cooking as quickly as possible seeing that you must be severely underfed. However, no one else at your table, your wife or grown son, was ready to order because you had only been sitting there for about thirty seconds. Slow the fuck down. Death may be knocking at your door, but I have a sequence of events I try to uphold. I went ahead and placed your well-done burger (with cheddar, I decided, since you were in too big of a hurry to read the menu and make your own choice.) I would come back momentarily to take the rest of the order. That's annoying.

Finally, the other two people were ready to order. "Can I get the roast chicken?" asked the man who was at least 35 years old. "But can you have the chef cut it up for me? I don't have the use of my left elbow." I did see that there was some fancy-looking-bionic-arm Steve Austin kind of contraption on it and let him know that the chicken comes out from the kitchen sliced. But that wasn't good enough. He needed it to be cut into bite-sized pieces. The kitchen was already going to be annoyed with me that I am placing this order in shifts, but now I get to ask the cook to cut the meat too. For God's sake man, you're sitting eighteen inches away from your mother, can't she do it? Perhaps you would like me to chew it for you as well and then partially digest it and then regurgitate it directly into your mouth like a baby bird. Would that be helpful? But I asked the cook to cut the chicken up and he hates me now a little bit more than before which I didn't think was possible.

The old lady wasn't hungry because she had already eaten a full dinner and a dessert before she came in. Too much information and I certainly didn't need to hear it three times. A brandy and ginger ale for the lady. And without ice. Of course, ma'am. And of course you don't want ice. It wouldn't be table 15 without me having to type some extra shit into the computer notating your special needs.

When I returned with the brandy/ginger ale, that is of course the perfect time to ask what the soup of the day is, old man. I would have told you earlier had you not ordered your cheeseburger before allowing me to announce the specials. And of course you want soup now. Another addition to your check is just what the kitchen wants from me.

Everything seemed fine after your food arrived (at three different times) so imagine my surprise when I saw you flagging me down fifteen minutes after the chicken made it to the table. I rushed over because I assumed you wanted a salad now or maybe some bread. But what's this I see? Your credit card? You're waving your credit card around as if I have made you wait forever to make payment. That is not the case. Customarily, I let my tables enjoy their meal for at least twenty minutes before attempting to clear plates but you were in such a hurry to pay that you wanted it done right that very minute. I understand that when the grim reaper is breathing down your saggy neck, time is of the essence, but it's not necessary to freak the fuck out.

I was happy when you left, table 15. I made far too many trips to your table for things that could have been condensed to one or two visit and your neediness took time away from other tables. Thank you for the 12% tip. It was exactly what I expected from you and you did not disappoint. . I am happy to say I was never rude to you and I was always respectful. Too bad you can't say the same. Learn what  "please" and "thank you" mean and congratulations on your most annoying attitude.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter









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31 comments:

JoeinVegas said...

I'm impressed it was 12% and not a quarter.

Josh A. said...

I have a coworker (at my day job) who loves to announce how cheap he can find deals. Just today he told me about the place which has carryout pizza and breadsticks for $7.94 and I wanted to ask him if he asks for the 6 cents back. He plays on a softball team and wonders how I get my bar to pay our entire team's entry fee and his bar only pays half of their fee. He doesn't drink. There's your answer. When my team comes in after a game we probably spend an average of $30 each on food or drinks and we probably tip 25% average.

Some people just don't understand that being rude and cheap will come back to bite you in the ass. I get free drinks all over town because I am known as a polite and generous (albeit sometimes loud and boisterous) drinker.

Anonymous said...

In the 4th paragraph you said table 16, I'm assuming you meant table 15?

Nathan Partyka said...

I think that people should have to pass an exam to be allowed to eat out at restaurants. If you fail, then you can stay at home, make babies and order some delivery.

Anonymous said...

So annoying when people order first, ask questions later. "Excuse me! We're ready to order! Do you have steak? What does that come with? Where's that on the menu?" If you're in such a hurry, sit down, shut up, read the menu, choose your meal, THEN worry about where the waiter is; don't make us come over and then instruct you on how to conduct your evening!

Anonymous said...

Oh, my. I wish I could say that I have never felt like this, but, I would be lying. I really do enjoy when I say "Good afternoon folks, I'm...(interupted by guest)'LEMON-WATER.....and that is a water with lemon in it' (Me, interuping the guest) "oh, thank you....but I do know what a water with lemon is.." OMG

Anonymous said...

I hate when one person orders right away but nobody else is ready. I just wait until they have all ordered to ring it in because fuck them. I also hate it when your table yells at you as you are walking by "We are ready to order." OK, good for you, let me finish what I was doing and I'll be right over. It's so rude and annoying. YOU are not the only people in the restaurant. Assholes

Anonymous said...

When I have a customer that is asking a million questions, doesn't even know what type food we serve, and seems to think they are my only table I just have to tell them I can see they need a few more minutes to look over the menu and then leave the table. I have to do that before I say something that might get me fired!

Springs1 said...

"I made far too many trips to your table for things that could have been condensed to one or two visit and your neediness took time away from other tables."

Did you come to the table with a PAD AND PEN *READY* to get what they asked for?

Did you *OFFER* things, because that helps customers remember what they want as well?

Did you walk away so quickly they COULDN'T have asked for more?

That's what *WE* go through at times so servers can't get 3-7 things at once.

I am just curious? You want to blame the customers, maybe in this case it was their fault, but not always.

I am SOOO TIRED of the servers that they come to the table, at times they ONLY ASK ONE PERSON and leave or they will won't write things down when I am saying a bunch of things they leave **BEFORE** I can get through my entire list of things I want to say.

"I would have told you earlier had you not ordered your cheeseburger before allowing me to announce the specials."

You could have asked *AFTER*, DUHH!!

Like when he ordered his burger, you could have asked "Is everyone ready to order" and then when he would have said just him, you could have still announced the soup of the day to them.

No one made you not say it right after taking the customer's order. WHY are blaming the customers when it's *********YOUR FAULT*********** he didn't know the soup of they day, huh?

Also, if he wanted to order when he was greeted, since *YOU WANT *HIS* MONEY*, well he RULES how the service goes, **********NOT************** YOU************!!

It's his service, NOT YOURS, so you don't get to have it your way. If you want to pay his tip, *THEN* you can be mad and say it doesn't go this way, UNDERSTOOD CONTROL FREAK?

"But can you have the chef cut it up for me? I don't have the use of my left elbow."

I think in the case of the cutting up the chicken, that man should have tipped the cooks if he wanted that(ROYALTY SERVICE) OR I do agree, someone else at the table, they can cut it, DUHH. I agree with you about that one. It's just like a mother cutting up a child's piece of chicken. I see mother's doing that all the time at restaurants.

"It wouldn't be table 16 without me having to type some extra shit into the computer notating your special needs."

You sound *************VERY LAZY ASS**************** to say that. LAZY, LAZY, LAZY, LAZY to be annoyed about doing more work. WHY be a server then if you don't want to *****************WORK******************, huh?

"That's annoying."

Again, more work you are complaining about. If you don't want to be a server, DON'T BE ONE!! Seriously, quit complaining about being a slave to the customers. That's your job to get EVERY SINGLE THING THEY WANT AT THEIR WHIM. You don't want to do that, don't be a server!! It's that simple!

Anonymous said...

Why did you let Springs1 back?

Anonymous said...

Hey Springs 1, you don't strike me as someone who has much experience in working in food service. You seem more experienced in being an insulting, obnoxious customer. When you go into a restaurant you are a customer, not an emperor. Good service not only depends on the server's abilities to serve, but the customer's abilities to listen to the server and allow them to pace the service adequately. Customers often don't realize that there are steps of service. By not allowing your server to follow the steps accordingly, your service ultimately suffers. Why is it so irrational that a server would expect for their customers to be attentive and respectful? Your behavior as a customer dictates your service, so I am not at all surprised at your comment:
"That's what we go through at times so servers can't get 3-7 things at once." (Chances are your servers are consistently running away from your table because they are eager to get away from you.)

The Bitchy Waiter said...

Fuck you, Springs1.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, BW, why did you let that obnoxious Springs1 c^nt back? She's the stupidest (and might I add ugliest) poster ever.

The Bitchy Waiter said...

Got tired of moderating comments so just yesterday stopped doing it. It's like Springs1 sniffed out a "comment moderation disabled" switch and threw her ranch covered dildo out the window and made her way back to my blog. Moderating again.

Anonymous said...

I've read this blog from the beginning and for the love of ranch dressing will someone punch Springs1 in the baby maker...but wear a glove that's a scary, nasty, crabby place. I heart you Bitchy Waiter, you make my day somewhat tolerable (seriously I deal with people that come into your restaurant). XOXO The Bitchy Concierge

Anonymous said...

"they won't write things down when I am saying a bunch of things they leave **BEFORE** I can get through my entire list of things I want to say."

that's cause they wanna get away from you, your ranch dressing, and your ugly face!

Anonymous said...

God, I hate Springs1. Shut the hell up. If you don't want to read about servers talking about their jobs, here is an idea: DON'T COME TO THIS BLOG. God forbid you see your time at a restaurant from the server's point of view for once. We have all been customers, too, so we know it from both sides, that's why we make awesome customers. We have understanding and patience. Don't bother replying to this Springs1, I have better things to do then read your 20 paragraph long, incoherent reply

Anonymous said...

People like you are absolutely ridiculous. You're probably someone that drives us crazy. The point is that at any given time, a server probably has multiple things to do. You read these posts and comment on them, knowing nothing about the job. Servers don't hate everyone. We're not lazy. Throughout my day, if I have 20 tables there were usually a couple of people that really got on my nerves. This is what these blogs and posts are about, the SELECT FEW customers that need to calm the fuck down. It's basic human communication skills that these customers lack. Patience. Kindness. Many people know that "ROLLS" or "COKE" are not proper responses to "Hi, how are you all doing tonight?". What we wish people would get from reading these posts is how not to act in a restaurant. I've been serving since I was 16 years old. It bought me my first car and has put me through 4 years of college. I'm a server because I need the flexibility and the money is decent. However, it would be great if customers, like yourself, would realize that we're human. We can only do so much. You're not my ONLY priority. We make $2.13 an hour busting our asses for your picky, ridiculous requests for what will most likely be a 10% tip. You really missed the point. Just be a decent human being, asshole.

Headset Hellion said...

Holy shit, this is like a bad dream. Am I really reading this bullshit comment from Springs1 or have I finally lost what's left of my sanity? What a fucking cunt.

Anonymous said...

Oh, wow.
Springs1 got past your defenses like a ranch-soaked ebola virus in the olden-days Europe.
Such a glimpse into unhinged mind is entertaining though, I must say.
With regards,
PolishSpring

OnPointKing said...

First off, i <3 TBW and his constant stream of pessimistic ranting always makes my day better.

Anyway; this is my theory on Springs1;

Springs1 knows that her comment are dumb as shit. She KNOWS that TBW is totally in the right. Springs1 is one of those people who find primal amusement in stirring up conflict by acting like a dumbass. I bet Springs1 enjoys your content. Bitchy; but what she enjoys even more is seeing people rage over a complete dumbass.

Either that. Or Springs1 is just really stupid.

OnPointKing said...

First off, i <3 TBW and his constant stream of pessimistic ranting always makes my day better.

Anyway; this is my theory on Springs1;

Springs1 knows that her comment are dumb as shit. She KNOWS that TBW is totally in the right. Springs1 is one of those people who find primal amusement in stirring up conflict by acting like a dumbass. I bet Springs1 enjoys your content. Bitchy; but what she enjoys even more is seeing people rage over a complete dumbass.

Either that. Or Springs1 is just really stupid.

Fool Critic said...

Have you ever noticed you can cut words out of Springs1’s arguments to make it yours? Examples:

-It's Bitchy Waiter’s blog, NOT YOURS, so you don't get to have it your way. UNDERSTOOD CONTROL FREAK?

-Again, more Springs1 complaining about servers’ blogs. If you don’t want to read about things from a server’s point of view, DON’T COME HERE!! Seriously, quit complaining about other people’s blogs. That’s your job to GO VERY VERY FAR AWAY FROM BLOGS YOU DO NOT LIKE. You don’t want to read that, don’t come here!!! It’s that simple!

-I am just curious? You want to blame the servers, maybe in this case it was their fault, but not always.

-I am SOOO TIRED of trolls that come to the blogs I read, at times they ONLY SAY THE SAME THING and leave or they won’t make any sense when we are trying to have a discussion and they leave **BEFORE** we can get moderation switched back on.

Anonymous said...

"Seriously, quit complaining about being a slave to the customers. That's your job to get EVERY SINGLE THING THEY WANT AT THEIR WHIM. You don't want to do that, don't be a server!! It's that simple!"

Yeah, I think someone is a bit confused about just what a restaurant is.

Anonymous said...

I love your blog! It confirms what I learned from my wonderful Mom that has served me well for 50+ years: treat people in service jobs with respect and kindness and they will repay it with excellent service, slight them or treat them like slaves and they will punish you if they can. I always get fantastic service when I return to a place where I've eaten before and here's how I do it: communicate with the server the same way I would with an important professional contact, listening attentively and expressing reasonable needs and desires clearly. Avoiding blaming or criticism.(If something is wrong, I inform the service in a neutral way, for example, "I realize you didn't prepare this salad, but I need to tell you there is dirt on the lettuce.") Keeping in mind that I am not eating at home, so things may be prepared differently than I like them to be. I have to treat this as an opportunity to experience something new. And finally tip a minimum of 20%, more if the service is excellent. But here's what on rare occasions makes me a mean customer who leaves only 10%: a server who persistently corrects me and argues with me. For example, saying things like "you have to expect dirt in an organic salad" (I was really told this!)

servingblowsbutineedmoney said...

Whoever left the comment..."Seriously, quit complaining about being a slave to the customers. That's your job to get EVERY SINGLE THING THEY WANT AT THEIR WHIM. You don't want to do that, don't be a server!! It's that simple!"

You are clearly not in the service industry. You have NO idea what its like to have 35 tables a day for 7 days a week treat you like you are a robot with no feelings or emotions. It is emotionally draining to have 80% of your customers demand things fromt you, expect you to be PERFECT, and people that think they are the only table in the whole place. So if servers wanna come on here and bitch about their horrible tables, LET US! We all see the same bullshit everyday and it feels awesome to vent!

Oh and yes if serving is so horrible, we should get another job. Well unlike a lot of people, my parents are not paying for all of my college, housing, and food. So getting through college and getting a "real" job has not been a breeze. Therefore some of us must wait hand and foot to make your snotty ass family's dining experience as pleasant as possible without telling you to "shut the fuck up and go to Mcdonalds".

Bakedcraypas said...

Springs1 this is a bitchywaiter blog.. bitchy.. waiter.. meaning he is going to bitch. There is two sides to every story and if you don't like his don't come to his blog.

Bakedcraypas said...

hahahaha nice

Anonymous said...

Bitchy Waiter, you are my hero.

Anonymous said...

Some people just don't understand that being rude and cheap will come back to bite you in the ass. I get free drinks all over town because I am known as a polite and generous (albeit sometimes loud and boisterous) drinker

YESYESYES!! It's funny how that works eh? I give gifts to my friends and family without expecting anything in return and funny they are just as generous back.
I routinely tip waitstaff and my hair dresser 20%-25%, treat them like the professionals and humans deserving respect and I get great service.
(and once in a while extra sauce or what not if I ask.)
(NOT comp shit. Wtf is up with that?
I blame the resteurant shows so ubiquous on tv.)

p.s. Who is this Springs 1 creature and what's the history with her? Dets dets!
pitbullgirl65

maikopunk said...

I just looked at the profile for this Springs1 character and ... well, there's an hour I could have been reading Bitchy Waiter instead. Wow.