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Thursday, December 20, 2012

It's the End of the World, Y'all

Well folks, today's the day before the last day of the world. Again. This, according to the ancient Mayan calendar. Am I bummed about it? Sure I am. but there's a bright side too. I am supposed to open for brunch on Saturday morning and rather than calling in sick, I will be able to call in 'end of the world."  I also know that tonight when I am closing I will not worry so much about getting all the silverware rolled because, who cares? No word on what time the end is coming tomorrow. I assume it will be in the middle of the day, so my plan is to roll enough silver to get us through lunch and if the world is till going on by dinner, the night crew can deal with it. I do wonder how the Mayans came up with December 21, 2012.

Technically, tomorrow is the end of an era on the calendar and it's just where their calendar stops, so maybe it's not actually the end of the world. Maybe there was a continuation of the calendar and it just got misplaced somewhere, like in a closet or under some crap in the cabinet. Or maybe the guy who was making the calendar was like, "Fuck this shit, I'm tired. I already made the calendar for way too far in advance. Enough already." Or maybe the wold is in fact going to come crashing down around us tomorrow and I did laundry last night for absolutely no reason at all. Assuming that today is your last full day on earth, there are some things you may want to do before you never have the chance to do them again:

  • When a customer asks you if you have a restroom, just say no.
  • Instead of cleaning all the ketchup lids, just throw the bottles away and replace them with new ones.
  • When the lady at table six tells you her coffee isn't hot enough, stick your finger in the cup and say, "You're right." And then walk away.
  • Make up some crazy extravagant specials of the day like lobster thermidor for $9.99 or all-you-can-eat prime rib for five bucks and let people order it. Go back to their table two minutes later to apologize and tell them it was 86'ed.
  • Call out that cook who always takes really stinky dumps.
  • Add zeros to every credit card tip because by the time they get their credit card bill, we'll all be dead.
  • Don't wash your hands after using the restroom and see if anything happens.
  • Taste every cocktail before you serve it as an act of quality control so that you can be sure that your customers are having the best cocktails possible. It might be their last one and you want it to be good.
  • When someone orders a bottle of wine, uncork it and just pour it without letting them taste it first. It's the end of the world; be crazy.
  • Tell your boss that you find his wife annoying and after working there for almost two years you think she should at least acknowledge your presence when she comes in. I mean, c'mon. I have worked there for 22 months and she can't say fucking hello to me when she walks past me??
  • Don't iron your uniform, use a dirty apron and wear whatever shoes you want to wear to work.
  • If you get to choose the music you listen to at the restaurant, say on Pandora or something, create a Rodgers and Hammerstein station and turn it up really loud when anything from The Sound of Music comes on. (Spoiler alert: done it. It's fun.)
  • If someone sends their food back say, "I don't think we're going to be able to make you happy here tonight so why don't you just let me comp this so you can go somewhere else?"
  • Serve only regular coffee. We need people to be alert tomorrow.
  • Refuse to serve any hot tea. If you end up with me in hell tomorrow, you know you we'll be making hot teas for eternity so why not give ourselves a break from it?
  • Ask for a raise. The answer may be "when pigs fly" or "when hell freezes over" so you might have a shot at it.
  • Smile. Your last day on earth is always a good time to try new things.
Good luck tomorrow. I hope that everything works. Again, I'm good either way. Worst case scenario, I have to go to work on Saturday morning just like I always do. Best case scenario, the world ends and no more side work. Please enjoy this video of REM singing about the end of the world, as we know it.

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Anonymous said...

Love it! Wish I could do all of these at my job.

jenn said...

I've done the first one. The 86'd special one sounds like fun!

anne marie in philly said...

(snorts) I love a good laugh, bitchy!

maybe "springs1" will miss the endtimes celebration and be left allllll alone on earth with her ranch dressing.

The Cheese said...

Yes! I want to stick my finger in someone's coffee! Preferably after I've had that same finger up my nose, or in my armpit, or somewhere worse.
I hope its not the end of the world. I'd be sad without my BW blog to read!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Regular cold coffee for all. Happy end of the world everybody, it's been a slice.

California Girl said...

You're right and if I had your job, I'd do every one of those things.

For some cartoonish "end of the world" humor, visit:

Yes. I'm totally using your blog to promote mine.

Mary said...

Oh my Gosh! thanks for the laugh! I really needed it! You crack me up!


Gluttondan said...

I would love to witness you sticking your finger in someone's coffee...and then walk away!

Confessions from the Hairdresser said...

♪♪♪ ...I haven't heard that song since I used to sing it at karaokeeeeeeeeeeeeee... ...and I feel fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine ♪♪♪

Ghadeer said...

I just want to thank you before the world ends for your stream of awesome posts.

Caveman said...

Hilarious! You fucking crack me up. Now I am wondering if I can get away with an...end of the world...sick call tomorrow.

Mrs. Squishy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrs. Squishy said...

I can't tell you how many times I've lied my ass off and told someone we were out of bags for hot tea. Occasionally it backfires on me, and they've thoughtfully brought their own so all they need is hot water. Maybe I should say we're out of that, as well.

Anonymous said...

Fuck people who order hot tea!
Reading this is both cathartic and exhilarating :)