I hope that the next time you are in the weeds up to your ass crack and you are hating your life, you can think of this song and know that you are not alone. I also hope you will share this, tweet it, like it or do whatever you can for more people to see it.
76 Big Hos
music by Meredith Wilson
lyrics by The Bitchy Waiter
My I have your attention please, attention please?
I can deal with this trouble my friends with a wave of my tray, my heavy tray.
Listen now, but hear me later, for I'm The Bitchy Waiter.
And I'm about to knock some sense up in these here bitches heads.
Oh think, my friends, how can this many people ever hope to get every single thing that they need?
"I need more Ranch dressing for my salad."
Remember, my friends, you're not the only person who's sitting in my station and I haven't even had my first cocktail yet.
Old lady at booth four, you settle down.
Oh a drink will do it, my friends, oh yes, I mean a cold drink, do you hear me?
I say Bitchy Waiter's gotta have a big drink and I mean he needs it today.
When The Bitchy Waiter has a drink in his hand, it's time that all the servers now take a stand and as sure as the Lord made little green apples, that stand's gonna be bitchy.
Table two, booth three, ten-top and kids: can see the glimmer of sweat on my forehead?
Did you hear me say, "I'll be right with you?"
The whining of ladies, "I need more Ranch!"
And you'll feel something akin to the electric thrill I once sustained when the church crowd, a group of teens, foreigners, a great big ol' douchebag, Elke Krivat and the Red Hat Ladies all sat in my station on the very same historic day!
76 big hos sent their coffee back.
While 110 all asked for separate checks.
They were followed by rows and rows of people needing boxes to-go.
I scream and want to wring their necks.
76 dumb kids spilled their chocolate milk.
With 110 dads asking for grilled cheese.
And as that mom breastfeeds, I am getting in the weeds.
I would love to hear a "thank you" or a "please."
There was a flabby bottomed old biddy with a horse face.
Wondering, wondering, "Where is my food?"
A double wide perambulator needs more space.
There's no more space.
I'm in a real bad mood.
There were fifty senior citizens with a Groupon.
Wondering, wondering, "Do we have to tip?"
Yes, you do it, it's not included.
Eat fast food where you're better suited.
Get out or I'll break your other hip.
76 minutes later we were finally closed
With 110 campers falling far behind.
And when they said good bye I was so happy I could cry.
I picked up their vouchers and they all were signed!
76 huge tips in my apron pouch.
Plus 110 bigger tips on credit cards.
With the sound of "ka-ching ka-ching ka-ching"
My bank account begins to sing
And I know that tomorrow I will do this all again!