As servers, we are constantly being asked dumb questions. "What's in the spinach and mushroom tortellini?" "What's the difference between the fried chicken breast and the grilled one?" "What do you do for you real job?" Yes, all of these are actual questions that have been tossed at me but the one that seems to bother me the most lately is, "Do you have a restroom?" Of course we have a restroom. Who doesn't have a restroom? I would like it better if people simply asked where it is and operate under the assumption that we do in fact have one, even though, asking where it is can sometimes rub me wrong too. No new news that I have a very short fuse when it comes to customers asking questions. Actually, my fuse is rather short when it comes to customers period, but at my restaurant asking me where the restroom is is a quick way to make me hate you a little bit more. It shouldn't bother me, but it does.
At my restaurant, the front is all windows. One wall is lined with booths and the opposite wall is an open kitchen. Let's think for a minute where in the world the restroom could possibly be. If we are to assume that it is through a door on one of the four walls and one wall is windows, one is booths and one is an open kitchen, where oh where might the restroom be located? How about "in the back" like it is at practically every other restaurant in the world?
"Oh, you mean back there where I see two doors with the word 'toilet' on them?"
"Yes, back there."
If I ever open my own restaurant (God help us all, but you never know. I will be accepting applications right here on the blog if it ever happens.) I want to either build the toilet right in the center of the room, put an out house in the back yard or just not have one. That way, people will have a reason to be confused as to where it might be. Or how about I really make their question worthwhile and put the restroom far far away?
"Oh, you are looking for the restroom, my friend? Good question. The world has been searching for my restroom, but it is hidden and you must pass a series of tests to obtain the map to it. Once you have answered three questions from the Sports and Leisure category of Trivial Pursuit, you will be given a map but the map will be inside a bottle that you have to break open first. Once you read the map, it will lead you to a bridge where there lives a greedy little troll named Springs1 who will decide whether or not you are worthy to cross. She will base her decision on your manners, sense of style and physical attractiveness. (Clue: if you give her some Ranch dressing, she will let you cross right away.) If she deems you permission, you will cross the bridge, crawl into an underground tunnel that will take you to the finest toilet in all the land. It is made of gold and the toilet paper is made of the wings of butterflies. Instead of a bidet, there is a woman named Elke Kravat there who will clean your bum with Evian water that she first gargles with to warm it up and then shoot a steady stream of water from her mouth onto your nether regions. (For a two dollar tip, you can have Reichen Lehmkuhl do it instead but he'll probably want to web stream it, so I would just say no thanks.) The sink to wash your hands is made of diamonds and the water that flows from the faucet comes from a deep well of purified water from the fountain of youth. The soap is Dial. Your hands are blown dry by angels (Reichen will blow you for a dollar...) and when you are finished you are driven back to your table in a horse-drawn carriage and given a free iPad mini, just because."
Yeah, that's what I want in my restaurant. I'm so tired of saying 'it's in the back" that this would be way more fun. It makes me think that maybe I should open up my own restaurant just so I can do that. Although the out house is a good idea too; a wooden shanty built over a hole in the ground with a circle cut out of a piece of plywood and Marcal toilet paper. It probably makes no difference because no matter what kind of restroom the restaurant has, some idiot is going to come up to me and say, "Excuse me, but do y'all have a bathroom?"
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