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Friday, August 6, 2010

Bitchy Waiter Advice

Someone sent me a Facebook post asking for my advice about how to deal with a co-worker. That's right. Someone was looking at me as their own personal Dear Abby. My plan was to copy that post and respond to it here, but they removed it before I had a chance to extol my wisdom. So I shall paraphrase her quandary:

Dear Bitchy Waiter,
First off, let me say how totally and completely amazing you are. You are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. Anyway, I need your help. My friend works with a woman who constantly steals tables from other people and no amount of reminding her what her station is seems to matter. I can't go to management with this problem because there basically is none at the restaurant. What do you think my friend should do?

Worried Waitress

Dear Worried Waitress,
This girl that your friend works with sounds like a total bitch ass pain in the hoo ha. First off, I would take the matter to management. Even if she thinks the manager won't help, they are the ones to go to first. If they are so completely unhelpful, maybe another place to work is the answer. I would also go to the ghetto bitch and gently remind her that she is taking care of a table that are not hers. If that does not help, you have my permission to go passive aggressive on her ass.
This may not affect what tables she takes but it will make your friend feel a whole hell of a lot better. Get her cell phone number from the contact sheet. You then open up your handy dandy Word application and draw up a flier for an imaginary iPod that you are trying to sell for $50. Just explain that it's basically new but you got a new one for your birthday and want to get rid of the old one. Post the phone number of the table stealing whore on the flier. Then make sure that you say that she works odd hours so the only time to call is after midnight or before 8:00 AM. Make about a hundred fucking million of these fliers and head to your nearest college campus. Put these bitches up everywhere. I guarantee it will make her cell phone ring like crazy. I would also suggest that they text her so that she may go over her minimum texts for the month and have to start paying for them. Just to make sure that it's working, go to a pay phone (not a number you want traced) and call the number to ask about the great deal on the iPod. If she responds with "Stop calling me!! It's a wrong number!! Stop fucking calling me!! STOP!!!" then you know your work is done. Not that I have ever done this. Why, that would be mean and bitchy and horribly unlike me. Uh huh. Sure. Good luck.

The Bitchy Waiter

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mainiac said...

Love it! I am going to use this advice one day!

Maria said...

That is hilarious and excellent advice!

Janet said...


Unknown said...

I am *so* doing this.

J9 said...

alternately, she could just pick up all of those tips. Bitch complains, answer with, "my tables, my tips."

Anonymous said...

Brilliant as usual. Kudos!

Clear thinking said...


The Back Nine said...

You never disappoint Bitchy Waiter. I just wish I had an equally bitchy and ultimately satisfying solution to my neighbor problem, as detailed in my blog's most recent entry.

Usually, I have found that servers tend to view this is a pretty bad offense and often stick up for each other. If several waiters are getting shafted, then gang up on this person and read them the riot act.

Andrew said...

We had a lady who did the same thing when I was a host so I helped solve the problem (at least on my shifts) by never including her in the rotation. Whenever she would ask when I'd seat her, I'd tell her she was next but always give her the bad looking tables.

The other servers appreciated me hosting, would tip me under the table, & were really sad when I got "promoted" (or demoted) to serving.

Unknown said...

Sounds like you're getting into Jacky Maille Territory. Bravo!