Maybe my psychic powers have gone. I certainly hope not, because I still play the lottery numbers that I dreamed about 23 years ago and I know that someday they are going to come up. Yolanda Vega is going to whisper those six sweet digits into her microphone and they will be handing over one of those gigantic checks made out to The Bitchy Waiter. I will now look into the bottom of my cup of tea and read the leaves to see what else I see in the near future. These are my latest predictions:
- Bristol Palin will win Dancing With the Stars prompting her mother Sarah to follow the surge of victory and run for president in 2012 with Bristol as her running mate.
- California will finally have "the big one" causing Los Angeles to break off and float into the Pacific Ocean making it one gigantic island where marijuana is legal and movie tickets cost $28 each.
- Lindsay Lohan will revive her career in a film adaptation of Gilligan's Island. She will play Mary Ann. She will win a People's Choice award for it. That girl who plays Joan on Mad Men will play Ginger Grant.
- It will be determined that high fructose corn syrup isn't really all that bad for you.
- A massive tsunami will hit a tiny island in the south Pacific but no one will die because by sheer coincidence the entire island will all be seeing Mission Impossible 4 which will be playing at the lone movie theater which happens to be on the highest part of the island. Tom Cruise will be designated a national hero and he will move there and become their God/President. Suri will stay in the United States because she "needs a break" from her dad.
- Gay marriage will become legal in a slew of states because all of a sudden people will realize, "oh, who fucking cares anymore?"
- Oprah Winfrey will decide that season 25 is not her final season after all and she will take her show on the road playing Knights of Columbus Halls across the land.
- Vice president Joe Biden will admit that he had some "work done."
- American Idol will play its final season because no one cares about the new judges and its time to out a fork in that shit.
- The whereabouts of Amelia Earhart will finally be discovered. It turns out she has been in line at the Whole Foods in Columbus Circle.
- The Bitchy Waiter will have something new to bitch about.
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