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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I ♥ Rusty Nails

(This posting will have no mention of spooge. Just sayin'.)

As always, I am looking for a new job. Yesterday I put on my snow boots and went tromping through the city hitting up restaurants with resumé in hand. Thanks to my good friend craigslist, I found several places that were actually hiring so I went to them. All of them. It took a good few hours and lot of Metrocard swipes, but I did it. Do I have a job yet? No, but I am certain that Colleen at that one place really liked my energy and would love to have me write about her restaurant behind her back. She'll be calling any minute.

One place I went to was a brand new restaurant still under construction. I know there are a lot of drawbacks to opening a restaurant, but I'm a desperate ho who needs a job. I walked in to the construction site where I was handed an application and a quiz. "Oh, great...a quiz." I banged out the application portion and then focused my attention to the quiz section. Of course it had the usual bullshit like "What is hospitality?" and "Who is the most important person in the restaurant?" I vomited out the answers and got to the more interesting stuff. They had a list of twelve liquors and we had to say if it was vodka, gin, or whatever. Easy enough except for a couple of them. And then a list of six drinks and they wanted us to write the ingredients and garnish for each one. Cosmo? No problem. Long Island Iced Tea? No problem. But a Rusty Nail? Who the fuck remembers that shit unless it happens to be your drink of choice. So I did what any self respecting waiter would do in that situation. I pulled out my trusty smart phone and looked that shit up. Yep, according to the website that Google sent me to, a Rusty Nail is made with scotch and Drambuie. I also looked up a Kamikaze because I have unlimited Internet access on my phone. At one point I looked around and every single person had their phone in their hand doing the same thing I was doing. Oh, sure we were all trying to look like we were looking up the addresses to our personal references, but we all knew what we were doing. We were cheating.

At another place, the application was handed to me by the host who told me to sit at one of two tables and fill it out. Well, there were about a hundred people at those two tables, so I squeezed my skinny ass in there and started writing. I noticed this one girl was just sitting there looking around. She whispered to the guy next to her, "Do you have a pen I can borrow?" Who the hell goes out looking for a job without bringing a pen? Why don't you just write on the top of your resume "unprepared" and be done with it? You are trying to be a sever and you don't have a pen? Her friendly neighbor dug into his bag and handed her one.
"Dead, "she said.
"What?" said he?
"I think your pen is out of ink."
"Oh, well...sorry then." He didn't care and now she was just sitting there again.
I felt bad for the poor helpless thing and told her I might have an extra one she could use. I dug through my man purse and found the one extra pen. "Oh, all I have is a purple pen, sorry." I didn't think anyone would want to fill out a job application with a purple pen, but she took it. As soon as I gave it to her, I regretted it, because I was almost finished and now I was going to have to wait until she was done if i wanted my pen back. And you know I wanted my pretty purple pen back. I turned in my app and then went back to the even more crowded table to see the girl still filling in her information. I patently waited as I watched her write in cursive with big looping letters. With the purple ink, it looked like she was writing a note to her BFF that she was going to give to her at lunch in the cafeteria. I can't be sure, but it looked like she dotted her i's with little hearts. About an eon later she put the pen down and I gently asked, "Are you all done? Can I take my pen?"
"Oh my God, were you waiting for me? I am so sorry, I didn't even think." She handed me my pen.
"It's alright. I just didn't want your application to be in two different colors of ink if I took the purple pen too soon."
"Thank you, you're so sweet," she said not realizing that I was going to blog about her stupid ass the next day.
I went on my merry way and began to wonder if her application was going to now stand out because of her bold color choice. If I find out that she got the job and i didn't, that bitch owes me a free Rusty Nail the next time I go in to that restaurant.

And the job search continues...

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Bonnie G said...

Had a regular at an ancient job of mine who always had a Rusty Nail. He always ordered a chablis for his "blushing bride." He had amazing BO, so we always referred to them as "Stinky Nail and his Blushing Bride."
Thanks for the nice memory. I always remember what's in a Rusty Nail thanks to those two.

Bouncin' Barb said...

If you came into my restaurant (when I had one) trudging in the snow, I'd have hired you on the spot just for dedication. Bravo.

Mary A. said...

Scotch & Drambuie? I think I'd rather taste the spooge.

Venom said...

...dotted her i's with little hearts? Little purple hearts?
Why, how very precious.

Anonymous said...

You've better gotten that pen back bitchy! the chick that gave it to you would have been PISSED you givin away her favorite pen.

Kara Hoag said...

I bet she's the kind of jerk who uses red ink at the bank too!

So glad you got your pen back. I couldn't stop reading until I found out whether you did or not!

visions unto myself

Marsha66 said...

Funny, good luck with the job hunt! Voted for your blog. If you want you could vote for mine, its new or food? No harm in asking is there?!?

Practical Parsimony said...

No one asked, but if I had a restaurant or bar and someone filled out the application in purple ink, I would never read the application. It would go in the round file. Okay, so if I got an application filled in purple ink at any job anywhere, I would put it in the round file.

However, I would carry a pocket of purple, yellow, orange, and blue pens for others to use if I were applying for a job. That way, the competition would be less. At least the person reading the application would have an easier time eliminating applicants.

The Restaurant Manager said...

"Who the hell goes out looking for a job without bringing a pen? Why don't you just write on the top of your resume "unprepared" and be done with it?"

AMEN! 99% of the time if you come in looking for a job I will not hire you.

jaimegunn said...

Who does that? Comes to a job to fill out an app w/o a pen?? OHHH it's the same person that calls and asks "are you hiring" when the effing ad says no phone calls please.... or the same person that comes in the middle of lunch or dinner service... and they have restaurant experience.. sure you do buddy SURE YOU DO.

Anonymous said...

The restaurant where I work in now in the process of hiring, and you wouldn't believe how many people come in to fill out an application with no pen. I don't get it. Were we supposed to supply them for you? I don't think so. And when they look at my apron, full of pens, I always walk away like I'm busy. You won't be stealing my pens today!

I also hate when they get called back for interviews and constantly look at their watches like by having to wait for about 5 minutes we're holding up their day. I'm never surprised when they don't get hired.

By the way, way to use your resources! ;)

Maryx said...

Of course she wasn't *THINKING*. Why would you want to do something so silly?! =) Hehe

Anthony Kimber said...

Awesome Bitchy, hilarious as usual!

Kim said...

I know this is dumb, but "when you step on a Rusty Nail, you say Ouch! Ooie! That's how you know it's Scotch and Drambuie." I have never forgotten a Rusty Nail because of that, and I think I've only made one in my 6 years of bartending. Useless knowledge, yay!

wendyalas said...

haha, that's funny. your blog is hilarious. let me know where you find a job (which I'm pretty sure you will) and I'll go try the food and then blog about it & hope that you are my server.

Bagel Fairy said...

Part of my job is front desk reception, and it never ceases to amaze me how unprepared some people are. They wander in the visitor center at a huge complex with hundreds of employees, announce, "I, um, have an interview with Mike..." and expect me to automatically know who they're talking about even though they can't give me a last name or even department.

These are typically the same people who get an attitude with me because THEY'RE late, yet can't spare two minutes to get a visitor badge.

The point of me telling you all this is that you shouldn't feel bad about being called a "lifer" (per your other post), as you will get the same bullshit in any profession. So you might as well do the job you know, which gives you the flexibility you need.

Toni said...

Rusty nails are the drink of choice for a few of my family members. Otherwise I would've had no idea what the hell you were talking about. I think it sounds disgusting so I've never actually tried one.

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