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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

What's White and Sticky and In a Napkin?

As servers, we are used to getting our hands dirty. Whether it is reaching into that nasty ass bus tub to get a fork because table 18 needs one right away and you'd rather get a dirty one right here and wash it than walk all the way to the dish room or cleaning the fucking ketchup bottles, our hands are constantly filthy. Thankfully, we all wash them continuously so that our hands are clean and sanitized when we handle the bread for our customers. (That's funny.) Anyhoo, I was re-setting my station the other day and going through the room picking up all the trash off the tables so they could be wiped down. The usual was there; bev naps, straw wrappers, cocktail sippy straw thingies, etc. I was just making a sweep grabbing it all with my hands when I picked up a napkin that was sopping wet. The napkin was balled up and inside it was some wet sticky substance that oozed through my finger and got all up in my joory. My mind raced:

Oh shit, what the fuck is in this napkin? Did somebody just blow their nose and leave the Kleenex here and now their snot is all in my hand? This better not be fucking snot. I will be so pissed off if I look down and see a fucking booger hanging off my ring. Or spooge. Do not tell me someone just spooged all up in a bev nap and now I am holding it. I do not get paid enough to hold spooge in my hand. I get $4.65 an hour and spooge-holding definitely requires at least $7.00 an hour. And it's sticky too. Oh shit, it's spooge. I know it's spooge. I have the spooge of a stranger in my hand. Okay, I'm gonna look down and see what it is. Here I go. Oh God! It's white! And creamy! And sticky. It is so totally spooge. Goddammit, who the fuck leaves spooge in a bev nap? That's it, I quit. If I am gonna be a spooge catcher I may as well place an ad on craigslist and get paid the big bucks. I can see the ad now: "let me catch your spooge in my hand and you pay me seven dollars." Yuck. Gross. I am gonna throw up. I am so totally going to throw up. This is nastier than a soggy biscuit. It's spooge. Spoooooooge!

As I started to pass out from anger, frustration and disgust, I noticed a coffee cup on the table and remembered what the lady at the table had ordered. She had an Irish Coffee. With whipped cream. Apparently, she didn't want the whipped cream so she scooped it off and placed it on the napkin that was now in my hand. "Oh, it's whipped cream. Never mind."





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27 comments:

HostessTwinkie said...

You almost made me vomit at my desk. :-) Nice.

trippingtiffies said...

I'm sitting here at work, silently laughing as hard as I can. You are too funny.

Susan said...

Our hands are constantly filthy. I just dropped a hefty penny at Bath and Body works trying to repair the hand damage washing them 78 times a day does.

Love your blog.

Susan

Ashley said...

I know how it feels...
Once a guy handed me napkins full of his son's pee. The kid had an accident on his chair and they used their CLOTH napkins to wipe it up. Incredible.

donna reed said...

Omg, I truly just threw up a bit in my mouth remembering a similar situation I encountered as a bartender at a strip club. It wasn't a happy ending.

That moment of pure fear, just for a second, the total disgust, then bam, saftey. Nice.

Bouncin' Barb said...

Whewwwww...glad you figured that one out before you passed out! Must have been pretty damn gross.

The Empress said...

Two words, vomit chunks!

Thank gawd it was only whipped cream but you just know that some arsehole somewhere has unkindly left a nasty jizzwad in a napkin that some poor server has been forced to removed. EEEK!

http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

PS: The word verification for this comment came up as: NOCOME!

Practical Parsimony said...

That was so disgusting. I was feeling a little queasy. Good writing.

Noelle said...

eeww! I don't think I would have let my imagination go that far. lol! At least it was only whipped topping.

Dudes really do blow there noses in cloth napkins. Staff watch dogs pass that info onto others. They are so nice to each other at least when it comes to snot. ugh!

Noelle said...

Pee in a napkin? how kind of him! gross!

Venom said...

Dry hands suggestion: a farmer's friend. Says so right there on the tin - Burt's Bees hand salve. Totally exceeds it's own promise.

Have added Bitchy Waiter to my scrolling blogroll, just fyi. Please feel wecome @ Venom, Secrets, & Lies anytime.

Jennifer Kay said...

Dude I totally knew it was gonna be spooge. Thanks for keeping me on the edge of my seat until the end.

Mrs. Hyde said...

I don't know how you work without rubber gloves. I think I was more grossed out by the snot.

Mark W said...

... and spooge-holding definitely requires at least $7.00 an hour.

That made me laugh out loud, literally.

I'd do it for $5, though... Tough times and all that.

(ps. MY verification word is "dirty.")

Derby Wallus said...

Oddly enough, I had a similar experience at my place of work. I was the newb at the time, so I ended up being delegated to clean the bathrooms. Since we only have one bathroom for each gender, and they are both wheelchair accessible I didn't think it would be that bad. Two toilets, sanitize a sink...no problem. However, when I got to the boys bathroom a young, and probably very drunk, couple stumbles out. My first clue should have been their messy hair and clothes but I went in anyways...
I won't tell you what I saw...but it was horrific.
I walked right out of the bathroom, straight to my manager and said "You cannot pay me enough to clean up the mess in the boys bathroom," handed him the mop, and walked back to my regular position.
Thank god I'm no longer the newb at work. Now I delegate people to clean those messes for me. xD

Bar Harbor Waitress said...

yeah, friggin gross! It's way worse than the parents leaveing their kid's mess... but one day i had a father leave his kid's vomit all over the table and chair... and i don't mean a cute little baby spit up... i mean 7 year old kid's upchuck!
Thanks pal!

Mary A. said...

my gag reflex is still going. And who the fuck doesn't want whipped cream??? Whipped cream is good on everything. It sure as hell makes spooge easier to swallow. I'm just saying.

Kathryn said...

OMG - that was hilarious!!!!

Simone said...

Thanks for the laugh! I was so waiting for it to be spooge.

Dan-kun said...

That was really funny

Maryx said...

OMG that's disturbing. But I can relate... Waitresses unite! I was def sure I had spooge right there!

"Professor" M. said...

Never before have I heard a spooge rant, but you, in your usual style, made it work. Hilarious thoughts that ran through your head as you guessed the contents of the napkin! Thank you for a hilarious, albeit disgusting post. Each time I read you, I remember why I chose to do stop waiting tables. Of course, now I am a middle school teacher, so the contents of napkins is always in question for me now, too.

Jeff said...

Holy Shit. I laughed so hard I almost SPOOGED!!!!

Toni said...

Hilarious.

Diane F. said...

OMG! I can't breathe! I can't stop laughing. Hysterical is a great color on me, by the way.

DirtyDisher said...

Jebus, that was hilarious. Thanks. I once had someone leave a colostomy bag in a booth.

Stephanie said...

OMG!!! That is hilarious!!!!!