Get some Bitchy Waiter in your email!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Hair on Fire

Working in the world of restaurants and catering, there are always candles around. And when there are candles around, it is only a matter of time before some bitch catches her hair on fire. I have seen it happen on more than one occasion and it never fails to amuse me. As long as I know they are safe, I mean. I don't want to see anyone rushed to the burn unit but when someone's hair catches on fire for five or ten seconds, it always brightens my day. Most recently, it happened at The Place that Shall Not Be Named. I was at a table making up the specials when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a bright light. A woman two tables away was frantically throwing her head around while everyone else at her table was freaking out. The woman started to scream and it was then that I realized she had done got her hair caught on fire. I guess it was her birthday, so the server brought out a cupcake with a candle on it and before you know it, the Aqua Net that only seconds before was keeping her coif in place, was now aflame. Since I wasn't actually at the table I can only imagine how it went down.

(A server steps to the table with the cupcake and birthday candle.)
Birthday Girl: Oh my gosh! That is so sweet. Oh, how cute. Thank you!
(The guest start to sing "Happy Birthday" as the server places the cupcake in front of Birthday Girl.)
Random Guest: Lemme take your picture with my phone before you blow out the candle!
Birthday Girl: Oh, that is such a good idea. I want to remember this moment forever.
Random Guest: Get closer, I can't get you and the cupcake.
(Birthday Girl puts her face closer to the cupcake.)
Birthday Girl: Is this better?
Random Guest: Closer.
Birthday Girl: Is this close enough? I don't wanna get too close because- OH MY GOD! Sweet Jesus, my hair is on fire. My hair is on fire!
Random Guest: (click) Got it! That's totally a new Facebook profile picture!


Within seconds, the smell of Birthday Girl's singed follicles permeated the room. Tables began to question what the smell was, of course. Since I didn't want anyone to think that it was our high quality, organic, farm-to-table food, I told every single one of my tables that the horrible odor they were smelling was burned hair. From the lady at table 26. I then pointed to table 26 so they would know exactly who just had the most embarrassing moment of her life. It was fun and I think my customers really appreciated me letting them know what was going on around them. My hateful, miserable, bitchy managers would probably not have been happy to know that I shared that info with so many people, but my tables deserved to know.

Reminds me of this time in high school when this girl got pissed off at some other ho. So she went up behind her during the passing period when the hallway was really crowded and put a Bic lighter up to her hair. Her whole head went up in flames, because it was the 80's and her hair was saturated in mousse, hair spray and Dippity Doo. That smell lingered for days. She was alright though. It still makes me laugh.

The moral of the story: hair and fire do not mix. But if you insist upon catching your hair on fire, please make sure someone takes a picture or video of it, so it can go viral.


Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.

13 comments:

Bouncin' Barb said...

Oh that stinks so bad! Would lose my appetite instantly.

Stephanie said...

LOL!!!!! I think I would have to laugh too!!!

Masie said...

I have not seen hair catch fire but I have seen alot of menus and newspapers catch fire from the table candle.

crystalmarie1303 said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCR4HHN52GY


This was the funniest "hair on fire" moment Ive seen in a while....and the best part is that the comedian that is commentating just laughs and makes sure that the camera got everything on film! hahahaha Priceless.

Bunny said...

Sadly...been there, done that. Mostly in the late 80's drunkenly lighting that Virginia Slim 120.

Scarlett said...

As a former server, I saw it happen more than once, too. Most hilarious moment ever was when this really snotty girl has attempting to put the moves on her date. You know, the giggling, hair tossing, fake laugh...anyway, she was twisting her hair around a finger, and twisted it right over the candle!

She was fine, of course. But I couldn't help but think it was karma in action, considering she'd snarked at her server moments before.

Tracy said...

When I read the title I totally remember the event in high school. It was on the second floor right outside my German class. Saw the whole thing. Classy. and yes, it stunk for days, though I don't how you could tell from the other stenches that was our highschool.

Noelle said...

At least if you catch yourself on fire you will notice it more quickly than this guest the other night. She somehow drops her purse strap in the candle by the time someone noticed the table tent the wine menu and her purse all on fire. It was flaming up high enough no one wanted to put their hands on it. Bartender used
wet towel. It marked the table.

James Smith said...

I actually saw this happen in church once. Christmas eve- the ministers passed out candles so everybody could sing "silent night" One woman caught her hair on fire. then we all left....

Eden said...

Why do they always flail about. Didn't anywone ever teach them that more air = bigger fire. Somebody dump some water, or coke (sans rum) or tea (southern, not LI) on their friend for goodness sakes.

Eden said...

anyONE - cuz I can spell




Incidently my verification word was "harre". (amused)

Anonymous said...

This is my absolute favorite post ever!

Michele Fraichard said...

Classic hair on fire moment, LOVE the pointing out of the 'victim', btw you are pure evil! ;) how I wish I'd seen this.