(A server steps to the table with the cupcake and birthday candle.)
Birthday Girl: Oh my gosh! That is so sweet. Oh, how cute. Thank you!
(The guest start to sing "Happy Birthday" as the server places the cupcake in front of Birthday Girl.)
Random Guest: Lemme take your picture with my phone before you blow out the candle!
Birthday Girl: Oh, that is such a good idea. I want to remember this moment forever.
Random Guest: Get closer, I can't get you and the cupcake.
(Birthday Girl puts her face closer to the cupcake.)
Birthday Girl: Is this better?
Random Guest: Closer.
Birthday Girl: Is this close enough? I don't wanna get too close because- OH MY GOD! Sweet Jesus, my hair is on fire. My hair is on fire!
Random Guest: (click) Got it! That's totally a new Facebook profile picture!
Within seconds, the smell of Birthday Girl's singed follicles permeated the room. Tables began to question what the smell was, of course. Since I didn't want anyone to think that it was our high quality, organic, farm-to-table food, I told every single one of my tables that the horrible odor they were smelling was burned hair. From the lady at table 26. I then pointed to table 26 so they would know exactly who just had the most embarrassing moment of her life. It was fun and I think my customers really appreciated me letting them know what was going on around them. My hateful, miserable, bitchy managers would probably not have been happy to know that I shared that info with so many people, but my tables deserved to know.
Reminds me of this time in high school when this girl got pissed off at some other ho. So she went up behind her during the passing period when the hallway was really crowded and put a Bic lighter up to her hair. Her whole head went up in flames, because it was the 80's and her hair was saturated in mousse, hair spray and Dippity Doo. That smell lingered for days. She was alright though. It still makes me laugh.
The moral of the story: hair and fire do not mix. But if you insist upon catching your hair on fire, please make sure someone takes a picture or video of it, so it can go viral.
Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.