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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Truth About Taco Bell Beef

It seems like only yesterday that I was writing a post about tacos and shouting out my love for all things Taco Bell. No sooner did I press "publish post" did I hear something that shook me to my core. No, I am not talking about the fact that Oprah has a half sister. I am not talking about the State of the Union address which I tried to watch but ended up watching Modern Family on Hulu instead. I am talking about the lawsuit that came out against Taco Bell claiming that their meat is only 35% beef. Some cocksmack (new word I stole from a cranky waitress) filed a lawsuit saying they were upset that testing showed that much of the beef in a crunchy beef taco is simply fillers like water, wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodrextrin, modified corn starch and an anti-dusting agent. Hello, it's Taco Bell. Who the fuck thought they were getting 100% grade A fucking beef? This person probably thinks when he goes to McDonald's and orders chicken McNuggets he's getting chicken. That's funny. It's McDonald's. And Taco Bell. These are not places that people go to find healthy eating options. It is where we go when we need something cheap, fast and delicious and we have the rest of the day to spend on the toilet. I want to examine these mysterious ingredients that are allegedly in my Taco Bell meat and see if I want to continue eating there.

  • Water: It's good for you. Our body is made up of water. Seriously, I think we are like 98.6% water or something like that. No biggie.
  • Wheat oats: Again, these are good for you. Oatmeal, wheat bread, oatmeal cookies? These are all things we should be happy that make it into our bodies because wheat oats have been proven to soak up all the alcohol.
  • Soy lecithin: Not sure what this is, but I like soy sauce so I say go with it.
  • Maltodrextrin: Again, not sure but it is probably something that just makes it taste better. I think it is the official name for cumin or red pepper flakes.
  • Modified corn starch: I have this is my pantry right now. I use it to make gravy. Gravy is good. Hurrah for modified corn starch!
  • An anti-dusting agent: No idea. As long as it's not a dusting agent like Pledge furniture polish or something that comes from a crop-dusting plane, I'm okay with it. And since it's the last ingredient, it means it is the least amount. Therefore, even if it is something from a crop-dusting plane, it's not really enough to make it worth a goddamn fucking lawsuit.
Taco Bell came out with this statement:

Taco Bell prides itself on serving high quality Mexican inspired food with great value. We're happy that the millions of customers we serve every week agree.

You notice that they left out the part that said "And, yes it is too 100% beef, so shut your lying ass-face." What will happen now? Taco Bell will go to court and fight they they have a right to call their beef "beef" and the other folks will be all, "but it ain't all beef" and then Taco Bell will cave in and just change the name on the menu. They will call it a "beef-flavored taco" or a "crunchy Beaf® taco." And people will continue to go to Taco Bell because we all know that anyone who goes there isn't going because they are looking for health food. They are going because they want some cheap-ass lunch for under six bucks. Yo quiero Taco Bell? Hell yes yo quireo Taco Bell. 35% or 100% beef, yo quiero fucking Taco Bell.

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31 comments:

The Restaurant Manager said...

"Soy lecithin: Not sure what this is, but I like soy sauce so I say go with it." <-- This was Laugh out loud funny!

Great post as usual!!

Professor M... said...

The entire post was laugh out loud. I say go with it! I think person filing that lawsuit needs to go spill some really hot coffee on their crotch!

Greg Becerra said...

Any good Taco Bell lawyer will win this in a second. The tortilla isn't beef, but that doesn't stop it from being a beef taco.

I like that they call it Mexican inspired food. They come up with some of the most bizarre shit.

Dee said...

I'm 68 yrs old. I love TB's 7-layer burrito. Would rather leave this world with a belly full of TB yummies than the taste of dried kelp and tofu on my tongue. ... Love your blog, BW!

Mary A. said...

And that 35% is mostly comprised of lips and assholes, but you don't hear me complaining! dd a dollop of sour creme (not cream) and enjoy!

Practical Parsimony said...

Mary A, you sold me on never buying ANY ground beef product just when BW had me convinced to buy it and eat it.ewwww

jdracecar said...

This is exactly how I feel about the whole scandal!! Haha, its Taco Bell people! You are the best, and so funny as always!

Stephanie said...

So true!!!!! Whatever it is, it tastes good and is cheap. Sometimes that's all we need out of life!

Bekki said...

Oh dear. I find you via Serious Eats and you had me laughing until I cried. Taco Bell is pure comfort food to me and I don't care if it's not gourmet, healthy, authentic Mexican or made from 100% beef... it's good, it's cheap and I'm still going to keep ordering my usual number 9 combo.

Noelle said...

Isn't this just tiring. Are people in some sort of denial about what fast food is?
I read this today it said the woman isn't looking for monetary settlement she just wants Taco Bell to tell the truth. Taco bell knows 'WE CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH'. Wonder if she is a disgruntled employee. ?

Mark W said...

Soy lecithin is good for you. It helps prevent gout, according to my dad.

LottieSpartacus said...

I can't believe the things people will sue for! Seriously, if you want to know exactly what it going into the food you are eating - bloody cook it all yourself from scratch, dick-face! Sorry...glad to get that out of my system! Next they'll sue McDonald's for making them fat!

lee said...

so taco bell doesn't serve 100% usda prime beef, but instead a potpourri of other non-beef crap? BRAVO! so i'm just that much closer to being a vegetarian! so taco bell IS healthy for you?

Kitten with a Whisk said...

The site now claims that they purchase the same beef that you can at a grocery store. That being said, this is the same BS lawsuit like "McDonalds made us fat".

Long live the cheese gordita crunch!

PS- Cocksmack is my new favorite word. =)

Krissy said...

Gross. No more Taco Bell for me. Subway samaches for now on

Anonymous said...

They took the Taco Bell out of the mall that I go to once a year (yah, Christmas) and put in a MEXICAN RESTAURANT. If I want authentic (tex)mex food, I will go to Chillis!!!!!

Really, you have to order three of the same thing. Gross.
Taco Bell: one hard shell, one soft shell, and one fantasy thing. That is like, two of three bucks.
Other place: 8 bucks for three lame tacos. Hate it.

Give me my junk food back or I am not going to your damn mall ever again!!!

Anonymous said...

This is probably an urban myth, but someone somewhere said Taco Bell got a delivery labeled "Grade D Beef, Still Edible". I always wondered if this was a cow that dropped dead in a field. Love your writing.

Waiter (Server) At Arms Wife said...

On that ingredients list: here is what the stuff really is, not that I think you, or many others, really care:
wheat oats is a natural filler that takes on the taste of what it is in. Soy would have been a better choice, but it would cost more and that is a no-no,

soy lecithin is fat from soy, the same stuff that Pam spray is.

maltodextrin is a sugar compound commonly used as a cheap sugar replacement with meat,

modified corn starch is not the stuff that you have in your cabinet. It is chemically changed to stabilize the meat consistency, what little meat there is.

So all in all you are eating a ton of chemicals that just tastes good, because it definitely is not good for you.

Ela said...

Hell to the fucking yeah! TACO BELL

SarcasmInAction said...

I don't mind the semi-beef deal.
But I swear if they tell me the lettuce and cheese is fake, I'll go postal! Cuz that's just uncalled for... fake cheese and lettuce.

purplegirl said...

Thanks for the link, got a nice jump in traffic. :) And cocksmack is still my favorite new word!

Orca831 said...

hysterical, and yes I still Love taco bell too!

Eden said...

He's probably the same moron that will sue when he discovers that velveta isn't actually real cheese.

Maryx said...

South Africa doesn't know Taco Bell. Go figure. Haha! Good thing? Maybe

Anonymous said...

Micro Farmer said...

Love that bitchy style of writing!
Also love/hate how some might choose to soft-pedal they're knowledge of food. Just a bit more clarification will show that in the food business, anything like soy lecithin, modified corn starch or maltodextrin will be processed from genetically modified vegetable crops.

Can we get a little bitch slap on this one - please?!

CGambee said...

You tell em girl! It costs 89 cents. So we all know it's just tasty shit or oats or whatever.

Mrs. Hyde said...

WTF? There's beef IN it, right? People will do anything for a lawsuit.

a bitch called mom

candice said...

"Soy lecithin: Not sure what this is, but I like soy sauce so I say go with it."
HILARIOUS. Soy sauce makes everything delicious so I say you're right.

Pshh... Who doesn't enjoy a taco from taco bell every once in a while?

Haruka said...

I used to work in Taco Bell and we never knew what was in the beef; it came to us in frozen bags.

I don't really like the beef myself, so I just have it replaced with the refried bean. :D~

Ester Jean said...

aw this is one of my faves so far - just true lightheartedness, Bitchy. Hell fucking yes!

Also, when I used to smoke cigarettes, I figured I COULD be eating mud pies for dinner and they would be much healthier than me chiefing down a bunch of cigs all day, so I wasn't picky. Seriously, not picky about random cat hairs, unwashed hands... now that I quit smoking, I am a picky bitch food snob. You'd think I would have waited til I was a non-smoker for more than 90 days or whatever, but... well, guess I was just looking for any excuse to start complaining about eating mud for dinner.

Anyway.

Hell fucking yes Taco Bell.

Anonymous said...

Nothing like American's too defend ignorance and idiocy. Translation of all these messages. I don't care whats in it, I didn't expect it to be good. The sheer anger at the response. Gee I wonder why things are so bad with dumbfucks like you that actually get mad at being told anything true or that doesn't support you opinion. What a bunch of backwards ignorant fucks. Yeehaw!