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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Cook Puts Pubic Hair in Sandwich

Perusing the great wide Internet web of technology this morning, I happened upon a story that caught my eye because it is something we have all thought about doing. (Or maybe it's just me.) A line cook from New Jersey was sentenced to 15 days behind bars because he laced a sandwich with his own pubic hair. Yes, it is true. But he had an excellent reason: the customer was a cop who had stopped this cook for a traffic violation a year earlier. So the cook did what any normal person would do, right? Right? Okay, no. Even for me that is a bit too far. Had he put two or three stray hairs from his head he probably would have gotten away with it, but to pile a big ass bunch of fucking pubic hairs on a bagel? Dude, how would anyone thing that is an accident? No one is going to believe that you were simply doing some manscaping in the kitchen and you got the pubic hair mixed up with the mayonnaise. It's not like you put ham instead of turkey or Swiss instead of cheddar. You put hair instead of lettuce. And what kind of super human is this cook who can simply pull out a chunk of his own chest and pubic hair? The guy plead guilty and was sentenced to the jail time that he will serve on the weekends (so he can keep on giving that exemplary service during the weekdays) and he also got two years of probation.

I want to offer this cook some advice: in the future, you might consider cat hair because cat hair can never be traced back to you via DNA. Simply do not leave home without a bag of cat hair for other people who may deserve hair in their sandwich. People such as:

  • Your ex-girlfriend who broke up with you two months ago because all you do is play Wii and Angry Birds.
  • Your seventh grade teacher who gave you a C- on your science project about pubic hair.
  • That lady at Bed, Bath and Beyond who refused to accept your return of the back massager because it was sticky.
  • Anyone from your high school who made fun of you.
  • The bus driver who you always tell that your car is in the shop even though he knows damn well you don't have a fucking car.
  • Michael T. who bounced you off as Mayor of Burger King on Four Square.
  • Your high school guidance counselor who told you to get your act together before you end up being a line cook at some lame ass restaurant.
  • Your boss who fired you from your last job for putting pubic hair on a cop's sandwich.
This poor guy let his bad decision get the best of him. I understand. Many years ago, I got a ticket for parking too close to a fire hydrant. I went to court, which was across the street from my job, to fight it and the judge recognized me as a waiter. I recognized him too. He did not reduce my ticket. I waited for months for him to come sit in my station but he never did. I wasn't going to put pubic hair in his food though. I would never have done that, but I did finally throw out that bag of cat hair I had in my locker all that time. I decided to let it go. Maybe that's what this guy should have done too.

Now you know you want to share this nasty ass story on Twitter and Facebook, right?

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Stephanie said...

LOL! Reminds me of Just Waiting! Love that movie!

But yeah...wasn't being all too smart there, was he? And to cause yourself so much pain just to give this guy a mouthful of public hair...yikes.

Maybe I should start carrying a bag of cat just never know when you might need it! Now to find someone with a cat who will let me pluck some hairs.... :) LOL!

The Empress said...

That guy had some major balls to do something that he would obviously get caught for doing. Although I imagine the opportunity to see the look on the police officer's face when he bit into his sandwich must have been priceless.

PS: You outdid yourself with that graphic visual accompanying the story : )

Bouncin' Barb said...

Oh I won't tell the story of what the chef did to the general manager at the country club we worked out eons ago. hahahaha. This guy was pretty stupid to use his own dna. All in all it's funny.

Anonymous said...

If I ever caught someone putting something in my food, I would be back with my assault rifle!

Practical Parsimony said...

I just love stories of people who leave behind their DNA, bank deposit slips, and keys or driver's license when they commit a crime. Dummies deserve an extra long sentence!

This story makes me want to never eat out again.

The Restaurant Manager said...

Great advice! Love the cat hair idea.. and yes I felt the need to tweet this nasty story!

Cielo Gold said...

I have never done anything like this intentionally. I did have this one bitch who came into my bar years ago. She got in my face over something really stupid. I refused to get on her level. Instead, I mindlessly grabbed a glass to make the drink she had re-ordered and proceeded to make her drink.

It wasn't until I had given her the drink and she took a sip out of it that I realized I had grabbed the glass from the top of the dishwasher-where all of the dirty glasses were. Whoopsie!

Athena said...

Wow, pubic hair might indeed be taking it too far! It must have been one expensive parking ticket. Poor cop, that's one nasty sandwich.

Mrs. Hyde said...

I can always count on you to gross me the fuck out. Thanks! This helps tremendously with my diet.

a bitch called mom

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