Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I ♥ Rusty Nails
(This posting will have no mention of spooge. Just sayin'.)
As always, I am looking for a new job. Yesterday I put on my snow boots and went tromping through the city hitting up restaurants with resumé in hand. Thanks to my good friend craigslist, I found several places that were actually hiring so I went to them. All of them. It took a good few hours and lot of Metrocard swipes, but I did it. Do I have a job yet? No, but I am certain that Colleen at that one place really liked my energy and would love to have me write about her restaurant behind her back. She'll be calling any minute.
One place I went to was a brand new restaurant still under construction. I know there are a lot of drawbacks to opening a restaurant, but I'm a desperate ho who needs a job. I walked in to the construction site where I was handed an application and a quiz. "Oh, great...a quiz." I banged out the application portion and then focused my attention to the quiz section. Of course it had the usual bullshit like "What is hospitality?" and "Who is the most important person in the restaurant?" I vomited out the answers and got to the more interesting stuff. They had a list of twelve liquors and we had to say if it was vodka, gin, or whatever. Easy enough except for a couple of them. And then a list of six drinks and they wanted us to write the ingredients and garnish for each one. Cosmo? No problem. Long Island Iced Tea? No problem. But a Rusty Nail? Who the fuck remembers that shit unless it happens to be your drink of choice. So I did what any self respecting waiter would do in that situation. I pulled out my trusty smart phone and looked that shit up. Yep, according to the website that Google sent me to, a Rusty Nail is made with scotch and Drambuie. I also looked up a Kamikaze because I have unlimited Internet access on my phone. At one point I looked around and every single person had their phone in their hand doing the same thing I was doing. Oh, sure we were all trying to look like we were looking up the addresses to our personal references, but we all knew what we were doing. We were cheating.
At another place, the application was handed to me by the host who told me to sit at one of two tables and fill it out. Well, there were about a hundred people at those two tables, so I squeezed my skinny ass in there and started writing. I noticed this one girl was just sitting there looking around. She whispered to the guy next to her, "Do you have a pen I can borrow?" Who the hell goes out looking for a job without bringing a pen? Why don't you just write on the top of your resume "unprepared" and be done with it? You are trying to be a sever and you don't have a pen? Her friendly neighbor dug into his bag and handed her one.
"Dead, "she said.
"What?" said he?
"I think your pen is out of ink."
"Oh, well...sorry then." He didn't care and now she was just sitting there again.
I felt bad for the poor helpless thing and told her I might have an extra one she could use. I dug through my man purse and found the one extra pen. "Oh, all I have is a purple pen, sorry." I didn't think anyone would want to fill out a job application with a purple pen, but she took it. As soon as I gave it to her, I regretted it, because I was almost finished and now I was going to have to wait until she was done if i wanted my pen back. And you know I wanted my pretty purple pen back. I turned in my app and then went back to the even more crowded table to see the girl still filling in her information. I patently waited as I watched her write in cursive with big looping letters. With the purple ink, it looked like she was writing a note to her BFF that she was going to give to her at lunch in the cafeteria. I can't be sure, but it looked like she dotted her i's with little hearts. About an eon later she put the pen down and I gently asked, "Are you all done? Can I take my pen?"
"Oh my God, were you waiting for me? I am so sorry, I didn't even think." She handed me my pen.
"It's alright. I just didn't want your application to be in two different colors of ink if I took the purple pen too soon."
"Thank you, you're so sweet," she said not realizing that I was going to blog about her stupid ass the next day.
I went on my merry way and began to wonder if her application was going to now stand out because of her bold color choice. If I find out that she got the job and i didn't, that bitch owes me a free Rusty Nail the next time I go in to that restaurant.
And the job search continues...
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